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Written by Chaser Staff
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Sunday, 25 January 2004 |
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Introduction: The most controversial, yet intriguing Arena thus far pits two historical rivals against each other for one final confrontation. Will history repeat itself? Which state will reign supreme?
“Two men enter. One man leave.” That’s the principle here behind The Arena. Because we at Chaser know that after women and wine, there’s nothing. So we whittle our time away with bullshit conjecture about ridiculous hypotheticals. We take two things, pit them against each other in The Arena, poll our staff and see who comes out on top. Then you tell us how fucking stupid we are. Begin.
 
James | In this epic struggle, there is one all-important fact to note: the United States will back Israel for two reasons. One, whomever the President may be, he undoubtedly wants to retain the electoral votes of Florida and New York. Secondly, the entertainment industry is running out of plot lines and ways to kill World War II era Germans. Clearly, there is a need for another Allied-Axis struggle to continue producing these highly profitable ventures. Winner -- Israel by proxy of the US.
Choice: ISRAEL
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Tim | In an effort to disarm each country in the world with the exception of Israel, George W. Bush and the United States has clearly stated its allegiance to the Jews. This allegiance is responsible for mandatory Hanukkah appreciation week across the US, as well as the millions of German civilians imprisoned in European death camps. Israel wins easily with the help of the United States, stating that the whole operation in the Arena was an attempt to capture Germany's weapons of mass destruction.
Choice: ISRAEL
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Cyprian | Difficult. Although before, Germany had The Third Reich, now the Jews have their own Mafia and they run Hollywood. Not to mention suicide bombers out the wazoo. Germans, however have perfected the driving machine as evidenced by "the Beamers and the Benz. " Who knows? It's best to consult "The DaVinci Code." The Germans have given us Kat from The Next Joe Millionaire; the Jews have given us Jennifer Aniston. Germany supports David Hasselhoff, however, and that is just not something to be messed with.
Choice: GERMANY
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Jon | Both countries, being in full knowledge of the reality of God, call upon the Great One for help. Hitler is instantly dispatched to aid Germany, and Jesus is concurrently sent to guide the Jews to a redemptive and revenge-laden victory. Unfortunately, they do not recognize him as the Son of God, the Word in human form, earthly heir to the title of The Alpha and Omega, and thusly, they will not let him drive tanks and/or helicopters. Nor do they issue him a firearm. Hitler, flying in a very powerful helicopter, directs the Germans to victory, and history once again finds a way to repeat itself. They rematch to a game of soccer, and Germany wins with only three players taking the field. All-time stats: 3-0, Germany.
Choice: GERMANY
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Morgan | The Jews have spent the last half century manufacturing Uzis and killing Arabs. The Germans have kept up by listening to bad techno music and voting green. This is what routs are made of.
Choice: ISRAEL
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ISRAEL 3; GERMANY 2 |
