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#6: Mike Tyson on acid vs. The Gummi Bears on Gummi Berri juice |
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Written by Chaser Staff
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Monday, 17 November 2003 |
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Introduction: You see he needs the acid to even the odds because he can’t box anymore. Then again, these bears are only a few feet tall. Then again again there are many of them and they are on bear crack. You figure it out.
“Two men enter. One man leave.” That’s the principle here behind The Arena. Because we at Chaser know that after women and wine, there’s nothing. So we whittle our time away with bullshit conjecture about ridiculous hypotheticals. We take two things, pit them against each other in The Arena, poll our staff and see who comes out on top. Then you tell us how fucking stupid we are. Begin.
Tim
| There are no rules in the Arena, but facts still stand. Fact one: Mike Tyson owns you. Fact two: Even if Mike Tyson doesn't own you, he could still beat the shit out of some cartoon bears. Forget the fact that he is on acid - that just makes things worse. Break out the cartoon body bags, this one's not even close.
Choice: TYSON
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Jon
| After taking the LSD, Tyson will become a lesser Neo, and thusly, will be able to see the Matrix. By doing so, he'll realize the Gummi Bears are not only inside the Matrix, but he'll also realize they're cartoon characters inside the matrix. Consequently, he will concurrently become cognizant of his intrinsic gargantuan prowess and augmented athletic adroitness inside the Arena, and will simply beat the shit out of the little bears. He will pause only to rape the female ones. Afterwards he'll ruminate on their severed ears while he contemplates the meaning of choice. Good game bears.
Choice: TYSON
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Louis
| Tyson. The fear and anger buried in his soul will erupt all at once and destroy any bear, Gummi, care or Jungle Book character. He will then turn his wild jowls and fearsome fists on himself and try to stabilize his melting visage with violence. The only avail be his untimely demise. Tyson but not for long.
Choice: TYSON
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Courtney
| Gummi bears are clearly victorious. Mike Tyson will flip out once he realizes that the colorful and lively creatures before him are not an acid induced hallucination, but real beings sent to the arena to kill him. He will run towards staircases in the ground and doorways in the wall that only exist in his imagination. It would be a sad spectacle indeed, if not for the opportunity to make fun of his whiny little voice as he runs away from the Gummi bears.
Choice: GUMMMI BEARS
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Alec
| Tyson is a man that wants to eat children and has bitten off an ear, all without the benefit of mind altering substances. Biting the head off of a Gummi bear is a given. Grammi will be spared and have a tempestuous relationship with Tyson ending with the filing of rape charges.
Choice: TYSON
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Kyle
| Tyson takes this battle, not in a walk, rather in a come-from-behind victory out of nowhere. The acid heavily affects Tyson (this is his last fight because the 'trip' never quite ends and he 'never quite' regains his mental faculties) to the point of incoherence, and total loss of motor skills. Towards the end of the battle however, he learns that three of the Gummis spent their afternoon sodomizing Tyson's precious pigeons, and this sends Tyson into a blinding rage, resulting in victory.
Choice: TYSON
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TYSON 5; GUMMI BEARS 1 |
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