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“Two men enter. One man leave.” That’s the principle here behind The Arena. Because we at Chaser know that after women and wine, there’s nothing. So we whittle our time away with bullshit conjecture about ridiculous hypotheticals. We take two things, pit them against each other in The Arena, poll our staff and see who comes out on top. Then you tell us how fucking stupid we are. Begin.
Tim | I like to think that the United States Military is loaded with intelligence. I also like to think that Britney Spears is my secret bedmate. The only way the US Military could hold a candle to Superman is if they imported millions of tons of Kryptonite from Uzbekistan, and dusted the entire landscape of the countryside with it. Even the Earth's Evil Empire can't fuck with Superman.
Choice: SUPERMAN
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Jon | Army, hands down. The U.S. has the best equipped army in the world. And, we'll spend a lot of money to make sure it stays that way. Schools, aid for our elderly, and research for cancer and AIDS? No thanks baby, we're America - just make sure we have guns. If we can go to war because someone from another country tried to kill our leader's father, wink, then I'm sure we can equip everyone in our army to be Superman killing machines. I'm talking Kryptonite rimmed glasses, Kryptonite gum and Kryptonite emblazoned T-Shirts that read, "Bend over Superlover." (Military guys have that sense of humor you know - just think Hudson in Aliens) Go home Superman, this is the United States. We don't need you.
Choice: ARMY
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Courtney | My choice is Superman. Sure, theoretically the army could develop kryptonite rockets and cover themselves with kryptonite armor. However, they probably wouldn't have the budget to produce them for several years, plus all the protesters would deem kryptonite to be cruel to superman/animals/the rainforest and would chain themselves to the kryptonite. Superman would become a hero and have millions of followers threatening to riot in the streets and destroy Starbucks and Old Navy. Besides, once in the arena, all Superman has to do is fly away.
Choice: SUPERMAN
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Louis | Army, being smarter and more devious. As we've learned in the later editions of the Superman saga, the tendency to act human is a real weakness for him. He tends to really appeal to the fragility of life and, therefore, is an open target for those more cold blooded and heartless. Not that the US Army doesn't perform an incredibly valuable service to keep us safe and waving the flag of freedom, but they certainly employ tactics that Superman would be suckered by especially if it came to international blackmail or the holding of millions of lives at stake for Superman to surrender. He would, Army wins.
Choice: ARMY
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James | With all of the trouble that the United States is having control the people of Iraq, it can be surmised that even should they defeat Superman, the US would likely be involved in a prolonged occupation of The Fortress of Solitude. Granted, nobody lives there with the exception of Superman, but that is irrelevant to any hawkish president. He wants to fully demonstrate the complete victory on behalf of the United States to the world. With the economy the way that it is now, the US would be foolhardy to attempt such an action against the Man of Steel. They can ill afford another costly occupation. Superman without having to throw a punch.
Choice: SUPERMAN
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Cyprian | Superman came back from the dead. The U.S. Military can't come back out of debt. He's invincible, for Pete's sake. If we can't find WMD's in IRAQ, how are we gonna find any Kryptonite. There's no way. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em. That's why we call him an All-American. 'Cause we'd be in trouble if we messed with him.
Choice: SUPERMAN
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Morgan | It’s actually not difficult to kill Superman. You just need to wait a few years until he gets paralyzed in a freak equestrian accident, drinks himself to death, or is murdered by his transsexual lover. Army.
Choice: ARMY
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SUPERMAN 4; ARMY 3 |
