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Written by Drew Abbott
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Tuesday, 23 January 2007 |
The work day is over. You trudge through miles of traffic and see it on billboards along the highway. You turn the radio on and it’s unavoidable. At last, you arrive home and have a quick dinner. You sit to watch your favorite evening program and there it is. You can’t get away from it. You need it. It needs you. You’ve even called the “800” number from time to time and you’ve sampled the product, always with zero success. Piles of machines and benches and video tapes clutter your basement or attic like so many forgotten Christmas gifts. Thousands of dollars worth of broken promises sit and collect dust as you continue to search for the next breakthrough.
“Results Not Typical” is the favored catch-phrase for these “miracle” products. It’s the ultimate cover-my-ass statement. It means you pay hard-earned money for a product that may or may not work. And if it doesn’t work, you’re stuck with it. We told you, not everyone responds the same way. Perhaps you weren’t following the instructions properly. Oh, perhaps you failed to read our other disclaimer. You know the one. “…when used in conjunction with a low-calorie diet and regular exercise.” Please see your doctor or dietician for more information.
Yes, you were guaranteed a miracle. “Satisfaction in 30 days or your money back.” How does one quantify “satisfaction”? Does it mean you look like the “after” picture? No, that can’t be true, that was an atypical result. Mick Jagger couldn’t get no satisfaction and he’s pretty damned skinny. But for a weight-loss product, satisfaction means you lost weight. Did you lose weight; even 2 pounds? You did!? There it is, please continue to make 6 easy installments of $39.99.
“But the before and after picture, that person looks so good now!” you say. Well, yes. That’s the point. That person was paid to lose weight, get in shape and take an “after” picture. Most of these models already have the body for the picture; all it takes is dropping the fat. Have you ever seen an amateur body builder 2 months after a show? Some of them look downright pudgy. When you see a model in a catalog, do you really think you’ll look as good wearing the same clothes? These people are hired to make a product look good. The same is true for weight-loss and exercise products. Why are you only shown the atypical results? That’s simple really. Because the typical result looks like… you.
So how do you spot the bullshit products? How can you tell the good from the bad? The easiest to spot are chemical weight-loss gimmicks. Any kind of pill, powder or liquid that guarantees results with side effects ranging from stomach cramps to lightheadedness to involuntary bowel movements to internal bleeding to death is probably NOT a good idea. It’s amazing that people will suffer through incontinence to lose weight, but won’t follow a simple diet plan. Any product with a list of side-effects is a loser; don’t waste your money on it. Sure, you may lose weight, because the product is destroying your insides.
Another sure sign that you’ve purchased a bogus product is the actual function of the product. If you look like an absolute moron while using the product, it’s probably not worth the box it came in. If it seems way too easy to perform the exercise, it’s not doing a whole lot for you. There are even products that send electric current through your body to “stimulate the muscles” so you don’t have to do any work at all! Enjoy the smell of burning flesh.
The products that truly work will not be plastered all over the media. You won’t find them on late-night infomercials after Roseanne is over but before the early morning cartoons come on. The products that work don’t need marketing or flashy advertising because they actually work! Results beget sales. Gimmicks and tricks sell units, but the sales quickly die off as there is no real guarantee of satisfaction. There’s no money back. There’s just you and your pile of junk, waiting for the next great thing. The best fitness companies spend their money on research and development and customer service. They actually WANT you to be happy. They aren’t wasting money on infomercials and full-color billboards. They want the product to work and they want you to talk about it. For every supplement or piece of equipment that really does what it promises, there are hundreds that are absolute garbage. Learn to spot the difference.
There really are no short-cuts. Any fitness program involves commitment and sacrifice. The short-cuts won’t do anything but drain your hard-earned money and leave you wondering why this amazing machine works so well for the “atypical” guy, but not for you. There’s nothing an “Ab-Lounge” can do for you that you can’t do by lying on the floor and doing some sit-ups. “Lipozene” and “Trim-Spa” (baby) both work well when accompanied by a low-calorie diet and regular exercise. Well, something tells me you can accomplish the same thing without spending the $200 or going through the side-effects. Anyone can have the body he or she wants with the right knowledge and the right attitude. There’s not a man alive that wouldn’t like to have a body like Mariusz Pudzianoski or even Michael Vick. But I promise you, they look the way th |
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