Writing is the act of saying “I”, of imposing oneself upon other people, of saying, listen to me, see it my way, change your mind.
~Joan Didion

Someone great once remarked that the best finale leaves you without the knowledge that you ever said goodbye. Okay, so the someone great was me, and this is yet again one of those times wherein I twist an all too irksome habit into something which reads well on paper, but leaves quite the bad impression in the real world of relationships. Yes, this innate tendency to hide the truth behind words coated in candy is the real reason I became a writer. This ability at times extends itself beyond the confines of paper, whether it be the cyber or pulp variety, and into my personal life.

If there were an Alt-Control-Delete of the relationship variety being tested in the quiet haven of a scientific laboratory somewhere, I would most assuredly be the first in line to feed from the concoction cooking on the Bunsen burner. When it comes to bowing out of relationships gracefully, many people might as well be pardoned to that place they put all the dancers that can’t keep in step with the rest of the group. I am no exception.

It seems that there are quite a few of us out there with an allergy toward those moments of confrontation which tend to end in goodbye, see you later, or worse, “I hate your guts!”. Ah, yes, so rather than confront, we simmer and stew, and rather than making a change, we choose complacency.

How many of us have found ourselves in relationships that we truly don’t see standing the test of time, but also don’t leave us with any sort of major angst? The relationship is simply “Okay” (said with a shrug of the shoulders and glazed over look in the eye). We cannot be found walking on air, or skipping down the street in a love tranced stupor, but instead choose to simply exist in something that does not leave us particularly happy or unhappy. We are content in our current state, so rather than freeing ourselves from something ho-hum with the hope that we are doing so in order to find that thing which does propel us completely over the top, we choose to remain stagnant. We choose comfort and complacency over the sort of extreme jubilation that can come from a pairing with the right person.

I hate to say this, but I’ve noticed that the perpetrators of the above scenario are most often of the male variety. I have known one too many men who have stayed in relationships that leave them feeling less than fulfilled simply because they either don’t want to fess up to the fact that they are no longer happy, or dread the thought of hurting the woman in their life. Hoping not to sound too akin to a goody two shoes adage, honesty is always the best alternative. In this case, your benevolence is not helping her any. If you’re going to hurt her sooner or later (and in this instance you will) best to do it sooner, right?

It would be wonderful if there were a block sender or delete key of the relationship variety; if it was as simple as one touch of a key to rid yourself of the person that no longer puts the happy in your ness (thank you Ben Harper). Unfortunately we cannot at all times hide behind the technological saving graces of our computer. Well, unless you’re by chance a relationship columnist who writes in an on-line forum.

Over the years it seems I’ve either been privy to or been confronted with some of the most comical break up excuses ever devised. Perhaps I’ve even used them myself in my younger, less mature days. Okay, my “I’m sorry I can’t date you, I’m joining a convent” utterance last week doesn’t count.

So the things not to say when you want to rid yourself of that ho-humdrum relationship or

Don’t go there Break-up Maneuvers

Do not say:

Hooray, I’m gay!

And no, contrary to what your best friend Studly Stan (there’s an oxymoron if there ever was one) says, this is not a sure fire way to ditch the girl unless your aim is to throw yourself into the well of singlehood for all eternity. This especially rings true if you live in a small town where news of this nature spreads like wild fire. I mean, we girls talk and if you think you can jump from the kitten that no longer makes you purr to the tigress that makes you roar, think again. The fact that you’ve chosen to trade suits will be funneled down through the intravenous veins of every single girl clique in town so fast that you will have to change zip codes to go back in your fake closet.

Bon Voyage, I’m moving to China!

Okay, you hated Chinese food up until the day you decided to pop the news that we must end our courtship due to your impetuous, out of the blue desire to high tail it to China. Perhaps if you hadn’t been so keen on explaining in intricate detail all the reasons behind your loathing of Dim Sum, and I won’t even start in on your ideas regarding Asian drivers, your plan would have gone over a little better. Oh, and I’ve heard you sing. There’s no way you’re going over there to join the Great Wall Barbershop Quartet either. Next time try, “I’m moving to Arkansas to marry my cousin”. At least then I could feel pity on you. Besides it’s much more believable on your account.

Dear John…or would it be Joan?

Oh goodness…please don’t even consider doing the whole Dear John letter thing. Let me just tell ya that I once did a Dear Jeff, and I’m still not quite over the guilt ridden after effects. Nothing says “Wimp!” quicker than a man equipped with a coupe de plume. Okay, Joseph Fiennes in Shakespeare in Love does not count in this case. I suppose it’s only a bad thing when the plume is used to pen a goodbye that you weren’t brave enough to do face to face.

We all know that once you finally get up the nerve to end the relationship with the deflating creature in your life, you want to make the break as swiftly and painlessly as possible. Whatever it is you choose to say, just make sure it at least sounds halfway realistic, oh and doesn’t leave her with the opportunity to catch you in a lie.

The best break up line is a short and sweet “goodbye” coupled with a gentle, yet firm, “I’m moving on to greener pastures”. You’re smart, you’ll think of a “nice” way to put the whole “I want a new cow” reference. If not, I do have a cute hairdresser named Claude I’d be happy to hook you up with.