Sometimes I find myself going against a man's opinions on the rules of dating, simply for the fact that there must be some hidden agenda which I've yet to figure out. Oh, and as for that Swingers film that coined the term "money" and "baby" in relation to women, what I wouldn't give to sit down at a table with one of those Favreau or Vaughn characters for a little discussion on Dating 101. As I've for some odd reason been banned entrance to the Hollywood Men's Club, I decided instead, to venture as far into the minds of these men as I could without crossing the stalking line. By conjuring up, then casting down those so called dating do's and don'ts from their book, "The Swingers Rules", I'd take the shwing out of Swingers and expunge all that subliminal Jedi mind crap he'd placed into the heads of men out there. Um, let's just say I have a feeling this particular search was going to find me eating my words.

The Swingers Dating Rules (as interpreted by The WoMan)

Rule #1: Genuine Contact Vs. Being an Ant

"It's like we go through life with our antennas bouncing off one another continuously on "ant" autopilot with nothing really human required of us. I want real human moments. I want to see you. I want you to see me. I don't want to give that up. I don't want to be an ant." ~from the film Waking Life by Art Linklater

There's surely enough manure spread about in the dating game to make for quite the odious pick-up joint, and where does it leave us anyway? Sure you got the girl, but you've had to wield so many lies to get her, that you're now going to spend the next couple of days trying to find a way to win that job as a Pediatric Oncologist, purchase a new Porsche, and somehow turn your 1 bedroom flat into an 8 bedroom estate overlooking a Tuscan vineyard. Given that you've only just been promoted to Assistant Manager at Wal Mart, you've got your work cut out for you. As Favreau puts it, wouldn't it be a whole lot easier to skip past the bull, and try to win her over through an actual moment of genuine contact, and real human connection. Rather than feeding her lines or falsities, why not make your approach without rehearsing what line you're going to spew at her next. Believe me, if you connect with a girl by speaking the truth, even if she's not interested, she'll at least appreciate your effort, which could in turn lead to a reconsideration of your worthiness.

Rule #2: Thou Shalt Not Covet thy Friend's Territory

Here's where that old "plenty of fish in the sea" adage comes in. If you and that guy pal of yours have your eye on the same catch, step aside and cast your line back into those murky waters. Competition amongst friends is not a pretty sight. To take it one step further, as if you didn't know this already, never, and I repeat never, think of moving in on already chartered territory. "But they broke up 6 months ago!" you say. If you thought dating was filled with complications before, try taking your friend's ex for a little joy ride, and see how complicated life can truly be. Again, with plenty to go around, why not stake your claim on fertile ground that hasn't already been harvested.

Rule #3: The Quiet Cat Catches the Mouse

It's not about what you say, it's about what you don't, so keep her guessing by dealing the cards out slowly. If you exude an aura of mystery, perhaps that sweet kitten who's got your whiskers all in a knot will find you purrrrfectly fetching. By, as Favreau puts it, "filling the blanks in slowly", she's bound to draw her own conclusions. Considering the fact that all us kittens want to stumble upon perfection, she'll surely surmise from all that silence that you're one sweet dish-o-milk ready for the lickin'.

Rule #4: Ms Smarty Pants

Women are smart, and we definitely don't appreciate having the wool pulled over our eyes. Trying to spin your way into her life by playing mind games ,or creating a false impression, is simply going to leave you dead in your tracks, or worse, with her heel up your.... (you know where I'm going here). By manipulating her, you're basically signaling in big flashing letters, "I think you're an idiot, and therefore I feel I can get away with feeding you crap". Insulting her intelligence is just plain foolish if you're aiming to get beyond that first hello. Here's a huge clue! Love a woman because of -- and not despite -- her intelligence. Yes, even if she's oodles smarter than you.

Rule #5: The Truth Shall Set you Free, or at Least Get you Conjugal Visits

If you're in this game for a round of hanky panky, by all means, say so. Don't come at us with praises of our swanky choice in attire when all you really want is to tear it off for a romping roll in the hay. If you're direct in your wants and she's not game, so be it, but don't think you can first approach us in guise of a friend and then make your move. We're too smart to fall for that jive, remember?

Rule #6: Just as the Truth will set you Free, a Lie Will Fuel a Death Sentence

If you have to resort to a lie to get us in your good graces, you're certainly not worth our time, and it's more than likely a tell tale sign that you're lacking something in the way of confidence. The worst bit about lying, once you start, you simply can't stop, and the web of deceit you spin is simply going to get larger and more complicated as time goes on. Oh, those swingers do mention one situation in which lying is justified. If you have to tell a little fib in order to come to the rescue of a friend, under the swingers rule, go right ahead. Apparently when you lie in order to help a compadre, even if they've done something wrong, you're granted a pardon from a lifetime sentence in the house of liars.

Rule #7: My name is Bond, James Bond

There is nothing more attractive to the opposite sex than a man who's comfortable in his own skin. You know the type? He exudes confidence without being lofty. He knows just the right way to demonstrate his strong assets without making himself appear self-absorbed. He's also the type that women drool over. Think you have to look like Bond to exude this quality? Think again, my friend! That so-so Joe who floats into a room with an air of confidence is a hell of a lot sexier than the drop dead Ted who hides in the corner like a shrinking violet.

Rule #8: Make a Grand Entrance, but not too Early

There's nothing more important that knowing when to make your entrance. Appearing too eager immediately casts you into the loser pool. Arrive after the crowd (with the confidence noted above) and you'll catch the eye of everyone in the room and make it appear that you're considerate enough not to pass up the invite, but "man about town" enough to only have made it after you'd stumbled downtown from that classy uptown record release party.

Rule #9: King of the Jungle

As with any sport, competition is fierce in the dating game. Wasting time in contemplation will only give the other guy more opportunity to score. Play to win or don't play at all!

Rule #10: Sexual Healing

You don't have to act like a 16-year-old horny toad, but by all means, be the sexual creature that you are. Don't play it down! Get her reeling with lusty thoughts of sexual healing whispered gently in her ear.

Rule #11: Be the Man With an Easy Touch

If there were any rule I'd love to plaster on a billboard for the entire world to see, it would be this one. To put it in the words of singer/songwriter Jack Johnson, "Slow down everyone, you're moving too fast!". Rushing is the wrong way to catch that honey, and worse, your eager beaver reputation will spread like wild fire.

Rule #12: Leave it at the Beep

Um, we know who you are, so repeating your name into our machine 2 to 3 times is not going to somehow inspire us to return your call. Rehearse and you'll sound rehearsed, stutter and you'll sound like a dweeb, and pour out your heart only to earn yourself a one man stand-up act wherein we playback your sappy message for all our friends to hear.

Rule #13: Rules? What Rules?

As the swingers put it, "Don't let stupid rules from a book get in the way". Given the fact that you're a money swinger on the prowl, why would you need rules anyway?

Rule #14: Trust your Instincts

If it feels right, go for it! Games will get you nowhere, but being yourself and feeling your way into the dating groove will make you look like someone who knows he's got it, and isn't afraid to give it away. As long as she's a money baby that is!