Son, when a man and woman love each other … no, seriously, there comes a point in certain relationships where you realize there is something special happening, something unique. You start to forget the meaning of the word "casual," and Monday night with the buddies becomes cumbersome. People start to think of you two as one functional social unit, and the coupling seems inseparable. You stop noticing cleavage on trashy blonde girls from the Eastern Shore. (Now, who am I kidding? That never happens.) You can't see yourself with anyone else, and think about being with her (or him, I guess) every waking second of every (suddenly more joyous) day. Let's face it buddy, that febrile tumbling in your tummy is not indigestion; you're in love.

After coming to terms with the fact that you actually have emotions and they are going to have their way with you, and best yet, you are ecstatic at the prospect, you have no other choice but to let your mate know. Unfortunately, that deviant toothy smile that looks like your First Communion photo is not going to tell all. More than likely, she's feeling it too, or soon will anyway. Yet, you cannot rely on telepathy, the powers that E.T. gave you, or John Edwards to help you on this one. You're going to have to tell her.

Before you willingly become an uxorious slave and hand over the so-called "pants" in the relationship, you're going to have to consider a few things. This will especially ring true if you've been in this so-called "boat" before. There is a remote possibility she does not feel the same way. And not only will that "suck," but it will definitely make things "awkward" if you tell her how you feel. This will leave you in a so-called "hellhole."

Of course, this is a so-called "touchy, feely" subjective type of situation, so there is no so-called "formula" for "success." But I have a few guidelines and suggestions that should help. Also, I'll stop with the whole "so-called" thing.

First off, even if she looks like Caprice, can cook like Emeril, and makes you feel like the Greatest American Hero, you can't tell her you love her 15 minutes after meeting her. A general rule of thumb here is that at the very minimum, a month of solid dating should pass first. From my dedicated, in-depth research; also, my personal experience of courting myriad skillful lovers, it seems that if love is in the stars, then the realization and subsequent confession will occur somewhere between 2 and 3 months of honeymoon-stage bliss.

Then again, if you wait too long, the so-called "window" of opportunity will close. (Dammit; sorry, I couldn't help it.) Truthfully, you have to feel it out. If phrases such as "I've never been this happy," "I can't wait to see you again," "You'll be so good with the kids," etc., become part of the common relationship vernacular, it's a safe bet the L-bomb can be dropped with minimal casualties. Sometimes, if things are going great and the rose-colored glasses are still on, but the partner isn't quite sure, your admittance of such unchained carnal passion will serve as quite the swift kick in the ass, and speed things along nicely.

Let me be frank, for those of us oblivious. What I just said does not mean that if you've been dating someone for 3 or 4 months, you are automatically in love and must fess up to it. As your mama told you while she sat at home, smoking cigarettes, watching Days of our Lives during your formative years, "honey, you'll just know." If you really think you're in love, and every day seems like a movie, and you start noticing sunsets, with music mysteriously playing in the background, you're in love. If you manifest this in your daily behaviors and treat your "loved" one like you're Prince Charming, and she seems to be going through the same kind of metamorphosis, she's probably in love too.

Timing is everything, in this life of uncertainty, so knowing when to strike is absolutely essential. However, tact rules too, and the "how" is just as crucial as the "when," if not exponentially more so.

Again, by negation, here are ways not to tell her.

You do not want to tell your little lady you love her over the phone, by e-mail, through instant messenger, etc. Although it is somewhat chivalrous to write it in a love letter, nothing beats saying it face-to-face. So, even if you're a Timid Thomas, try to build up some nerve over the course of a couple of days, practice in front of the mirror with a picture of her, and then let her have it! Shazam!

Do not tell her when she is mad; do not tell her in front of her dad. Do not tell her in the car; do not tell her in a bar. Do not tell her in front of friends; do not tell her before the movie ends. Do not tell her during sex; do not tell her arguing over the check. Do not tell her by sneaking it in; do not tell her reeking of gin. Do not tell her when you're drunk; do not tell her messing around in the trunk. Or else you can say goodbye to special treats; no she would not like green eggs and meat.

Aside from making you giggle over your childhood and spreading out some general guidelines, I have grazed over one important, important factor in this equation. Notice the repetition of the word "important." That is for importance.

Do not, under any circumstance, tell her while you are drunk. A wise man once said, "relationships built on alcohol never work out." This is true. Always. She does not want to hear about love while you are passing out on her. Or with your head in the toilet. Or smelling like you just told the same thing to every girl at the bar.

There's just no feeling of warmth and genuineness. She's also apt not to take you seriously. Believe you me, this is a good way to ruin the moment. I did this drunk once, and completely regretted it. It was also after an argument. It was pathetic.

It should be special and romantic. It should have meaning. You're going to want to remember this, or at least, you're going to want her to remember it. Do it with a gift, surprising her after work. Take her to the park, and do it in front of a pond filled with ducks. Don't do it on her birthday, or any other holiday or occasion of significance; it takes away from the moment. That will force meaning to be shared between the two occasions simultaneously.

Do it as you're about to say goodbye. Say it after a long journey together, one that is about to close and be followed by an even longer time apart. Say it if you won't get another chance to for a long, long time. Don't let it be meaningless.

Look her deep in the eyes, kiss her softly on her lips, hold her as close as you can, and tell her how you really feel. Make her get chills down her spine and tears in her eyes. Do it as you've always pictured it done, and how she's always dreamed of it.

What are you waiting for? You love her, don't you?