Okay, so if you haven't bought THE GIFT yet, you truly have my deepest sympathies as even this article won't help to make up for the fact that you are going to be one of those unfortunate fools wandering the malls aimlessly this weekend. I hate to crush your hopes as I'm just beginning this little ditty, but I'm not going to be of much service, except to warn against those things not to get her in a last minute rush to 'put something under her tree' (no...that kind of gift won't do either boys).

I will admit to being a little stereotypical here in stating that I do believe that most (but not all!) men wait until the last minute to run out and fetch that gift for the girlfriend or wife on their list. I'm not sure why you subject yourselves to this sort of torment, except for the fact that you're completely baffled as to what to give that special female in your lives.

The Don't Ask, Don't Tell Policy

The best gift I ever received came from a guy who truly surprised me with his memory. Six months prior we were strolling through a museum when I was awe struck by this beautiful painting. At Christmas I opened my gift to find a small print of the same scene that had captured me all those months prior. Most women want you to know what they want without them telling you. Yes, it's another one of those little games we play. We don't want you to ask us "So what do you want this year?"! We want you to know us well enough to pick up on the hints without being told. At this point, you have very little time to pick up on those hints, but if you think back perhaps to a recent stroll through the mall or window shopping excursion, I'm sure you'll be able to recall one or two items she wishes she had. Having said that, just make sure that you pick up on the right hints (see next item).

"I Hate Washing Dishes" does not mean "Buy me a Dishwasher"

I will never forget my mom's sermon on the #1 clue that you've found yourself a non-keeper! I'll also never forget the Christmas my dad gave my mom the wonderfully loving and romantic gifts of a vacuum cleaner and microwave oven. (Hint! They divorced soon after). Whatever you do (unless in the rare occasion that she specifically asks) don't buy her a blender, toaster, food processor, broom, mop, what have you. Anything that says "cooks quicker", "dries faster", or "helps clean to streak free shine" should be avoided at all cost. Nothing says "you are my cook and my maid" faster than a 2002 model Hoover upright with the super suction hose". Think "Want" over "Need" and you're sure to avoid all the "bound to be dateless by New Year's" gifts.

Steer clear of certificates

You remembered that she wanted a CD, but couldn't remember which one, so you came up with a brilliant plan. You'd go to the local music store and buy her a gift certificate. No you don't boys. Certificates for anything (unless it's Bulgari or Tiffany & Co.) states in big bold letters, "I didn't care enough to find you a real gift". Most women would prefer that you pick the wrong CD rather than get a piece of paper stating just how much credit they have toward the purchase of their own gift from you.

The Good Ol' Gift-n-Grab

Women really love it when they know that their gift took forethought and planning and that you truly had to think about them to pick it out. If you're still looking for that gift, you're really going to have to work at making it look like you didn't wait until the last minute. Perhaps you should think about driving to the next town over, or going to her favorite store to pick up a gift that still reads: You mean enough to go out of my way. The key here is not to buy her gift at any store that ends in the word Mart, or has a supply of milk, bread, or liquor. The last thing we want to think is that you stopped somewhere quickly on your way home from work or school in order to get out of looking like a giftless fool when it came to the exchange.

It's the Thought that Counts...really!

Most women, unless they're the money hungry, looking for the sugar daddy type, will truly appreciate a gift that comes from the heart, or even by means of the hands, even if it didn't cost you an arm and a leg. If money is an issue, why not make her something. I once received this frame with an ex-boyfriend's attempt at a picture collage. It was one of the most thoughtful gifts I'd received and despite the fact that it wasn't a Picasso, it was still beautiful in its own right. So draw her a picture, write her a poem (or copy one onto paper in your own handwriting). You could also make her a little coupon book with items that don't cost anything to give (e.g. a back rub, bubble bath for two, romantic dinner cooked by you, etc...). The idea behind gift giving should definitely be thought over monetary value, and any girl worth having is sure to appreciate anything that you took the time to make.

It's all in the details

Women have this thing about small details. It must be something that's ingrained in us from early childhood or something. Given this, when it comes to gifts, always include a handwritten card. I know, it's a pain! We gals are all for the personal and with just a few words, the gift itself will become all that more special...even if it is that odd attempt at artistic expression in the form of a Santa Playdough sculpture. What about the packaging itself, you ask? We also understand that unless you have a sister, mom, or female friend around to help in the wrapping process, we should pretty much expect a present in what looks to be wrapping paper. Never mind the fact that it has Happy Birthday all over it and is otherwise very hard to get open due to the excessive amounts of tape you used to piece it together. Even better is the gift that comes in the bag from the store you bought it from. Don't do this guys, unless of course you're going to cut it up and make it wrapping paper in an attempt at being environmentally conscious and creative.