So you clubbed the cave girl, managed to fool her into believing that it was actually her stimulating discourse rather than her great ASSets that appealed to you, and now you're preparing for the dreaded first date. I wish I could tell you that the hard part is over, that you can now let out that sex crazed mating howl and pounce, but whoa cowboy, the shootin' match has just begun, and you must make sure that your gun is nice and shiny before facing the opposition. Just to clarify here boys, this does not mean that you're allowed to discuss the 1001 ever so stimulating factoids relating to your Smith and Wesson gun collection, or for that matter, anything related to the thrill found in the hunting of small furry animals. Save that for the second date. O.k., let's begin!

Where to Park Your Horse (the Watering Hole)

I don't care if you have to sing for pennies on a street corner, pull nickels from the sofa cushions, or worse, ask your parents, you must scrape together enough of the green stuff to at least bypass the Mickey D's counter for your first date with Calamity Jane. No, you don't have to take her to some yuppie watering hole, but she won't appreciate your asking her to get on her knees (uh hum, to pretend that she's young enough to order the Happy Meal) either.

If you're low on cash, opt for a place with great atmosphere or a fun theme. A retro style burger joint would work, or if your town houses one, an old school diner. The best 1st date watering holes are often those that don't require a lot of cash, or knowledge of proper French culinary verbiage. Who wants to spend time worrying about which fork to use, or how they'll manage to force down Pate Garni Maison, when the primary focus should be on the date sitting across from you? Find a restaurant with a laid back atmosphere, friendly wait staff, and if possible, a low noise factor.

Hose Them Choppers Down, Cowboy

Dirt and grime may have come with the territory in the days of Wyatt Earp, but in 2001, good hygiene is essential. Quick countdown: Shave the stubble, get a trim, cut and clean the nails, brush and floss them choppers, reach for the Speed Stick, and by all means, please don't bathe in the Aqua Velva. If we can smell you coming, we're going to make a quick escape out the back door. Just a little hint: Those of you who decide to swim in the smelly stuff leave us girls wondering just what you're trying so hard to cover up.

Wear them Chaps, Cowboy

Do clothes make the man? In the case of the 1st date, that's an affirmative, partner. As you strut out that door, have a little "who's the fairest of them all" chat with your reflection. If the image reveals anything with holes, tears, neon or pastel colors, shirts with lewd languages, or a tribute to your love of stripes and polka dots, turn right back around and change them chaps and spurs, my friend. Otherwise she's bound to take a look-see out the peephole and decide that washing her hair is a much better way to spend the evening. You never saw Butch Cassidy dressed in a pastel pink Izod, or better yet, a busty Big Johnson t-shirt, did you?

When preparing for the shooting match, aim for simplicity and a fashion flare that won't cause a stare. This is not the time to decide you've always wanted to go grunge or punk, unless of course that's your normal dress code. No chaps look hotter than that which you're most comfortable in. Dress to fit the atmosphere, but don't overdo it. If you have a sister, or female friend, this would be the time to take up their offer to accompany you on a little shopping excursion.

Your Ammunition

No cowboy would ever leave the house without the proper ammunition, and in this case, that means giving thought to all the little "extras" that are sure to give you better aim at hitting your target. Just a few suggestions:

1. Flowers - Whether you bring one, a dozen, or wild flowers picked from your neighbors yard, no matter the gal, she's sure to give you major bonus points from the get go with this one.
2. Open her door - This one's a hard guess upon your first outing, but better to deem her the type to appreciate this gesture than not. If after opening the door she gives you a lecture about her equal rights and your disobedience of feminist practices, tell her you're perfectly o.k. with her opening your door the next time around. Oh, and this includes all other doors you pass through during the course of the evening as well.
3. Foot the bill - This is a given. If you later decide that you'll take turns, or go dutch, that's fine, but don't let on that you're a cheap skate from day one.
4. Elbows off the table Mabel - This is the one time to remember everything your mother scolded you for not doing at the dinner table. That mouth is to remain closed during consumption, napkin belongs in lap, and there will be no hitch hiking at the table (e.g. thumb raised while hand clenched in fist sits to the side of the dinner plate).
5. Hard sarsaparilla - When it comes to the hard stuff (liquor that is), lasso the urge to substitute the appetizer and dessert with too many pints. The last thing she wants to sit across from at the table is a drooling drunkard. One is good, two is pushing it, and at three (unless she's joining in the rounds), you can expect to find your horse Trigger as your companion for the remainder of the evening.
6. Hold thy tongue - As much as you want to go on for hours about that new Jackie Chan flick or your Marvel comic book collection, be cautious not to consume the conversation. Revert back to Chronicle #1 and ask her questions. Being that it's the first date, you're not likely to run out of topics to chat about. Just be sure that you're talking time doesn't outweigh your listening time.
7. To pucker or not to pucker - This is the gun match that can either leave you dead in the water or in the running for a second date. Here's the indicator. Was she grabbing for your gun (er, your hand, arm, leg) during any portion of your rendezvous? Did she make eye contact through a good portion of your conversation? If you're extremely confident that she's digging your cowboy cool, go for it! I warn you though, if you have to question it, it's best to give her a peck on the cheek, or a warm hug, and save the saliva swapping for date #2.

Ready, Aim, Fire