The Non-Apparent Pick-up

It began with a Neanderthal grunt, moved to "What's your sign?" and has since become a commonly used tool of the trade amongst men on the prowl. Having heard the worst of them, I have to wonder, does the pick-up line actually do the trick? Is it something men should work on perfecting or is it time to come up with more refined methods for bagging your prey? By now, we cavegirls recognize the club when we see it, and we will surely run like hell before letting you wallop us with it one more time. Given this, if you're going to subject us to your pick-up tactics, at least know which to stay away from and which may keep us entertained just long enough to realize that you're at least a little more ingenious than the average cave dweller.

Put Away the Club

Contrary to popular belief, women don't like feeling that they are the preyed sustenance of men every time they join friends for a night on the town. Sure, some may be out prowling too, but the key is differentiating between those that want to be hunted, and those who simply want to be left alone. So rather than making the hasty approach, camouflage yourself in the bushes awhile and simply observe the prey in its element.

One of the easiest observations you can make is to simply watch her maneuver her way through the meat market jungle. Is she engrossed in conversation with her female clan or is she herself looking about the room for her next victim? If she looks to be caught up in a chatter fest with her entourage, let her be. Even if she thinks you’re grade A beef, she'll be peeved that you interrupted her girl time, and thus you'll never even make it to "What's your sign?". Besides, who wants to be turned down in front of a slough of on lookers? If after careful observation, you note that she too is checking out all the 2 legged creatures that cross her path, she's prime for your tactics and you should by all means get that club ready! So let's discuss those tactics, shall we?

No Cheese Please

There should be a sign posted on every bar entrance that reads: Do not enter without your slime repellant! "I lost my phone number, can I borrow yours?" "I just had to tell you, you're the most beautiful girl I've ever seen." "My name's American Express...you better not leave for home without me!" There's nothing that will turn a woman off quicker than a run in with some slime ball exuding one of these brilliant pick-ups. You may be talking, but the only thing we hear is "Let me into your pants". Most of you know better than to even try one of these methods, but there are the Rico Suave's out there who will persist, and unfortunately it's the cheese spewers that ruin it for the rest of you.

The Scene is Set

So enough about what not to do, right? Here's the scene! It's a Friday night, you're looking like the dapper cat on the prowl that you are, and you've made your way to the trendiest joint in town. You walk through the door and "wham!", like a bolt of lightening, you are struck by a breathtaking creature sitting at the end of the bar. Like a dog in heat you let out a howl and strut on over to sniff her up. Put on the brakes right here super stud! I repeat, STOP, DROP, and ROLL back on over to your side of the playing field. Park your rear at the other end of the bar awhile and simply observe her from a safe distance. After 10 minutes of observation, you note that although she's sitting next to a gal pal, the divine specimen you have an eye for is keenly observant of her surroundings. O.k., now let's ease into, shall we?

The first thing to remember in the "non -apparent" pick-up is to keep from looking too obvious or desperate for attention. After observing her for awhile and noting that she seems open to conversation, make your way to her side of the bar. Nudge your way into an open seat within close proximity to hers and just chill. After ordering yourself a drink, turn to her and casually say "Hey!". If you're witty, you could throw in a Joey Tribiani "How you doin'?", but only if you think you can pull it off without sounding like a moron. From this point you should be able to pick up on whether or not she's vibing you. If she's laughing, has kept her eyes focused on you, and her body turned towards you, proceed, but keep it smooth and casual. If after the first "Hey!", she turns her nose up and poises her body away from you, stop right there! She's not into it, and there's no way you're going to change her mind. Besides, if you've truly been "non-apparent", you haven't made an ass out of yourself, and can therefore move on to your next victim unscathed. Thank goodness you’re a smooth cat with the non-apparent know how!

Other tactical maneuvers

This approach is not only reserved for the bar scene my friends. Whether you’re struck with lust at first sight in a bar, the grocery store, a wedding, or even your cousin Melvin’s bar mitzvah, using the “non-apparent” pick up will prove your best bet when trying to club your cavegirl. The key here guys, is to let her have it without ever giving her the forewarning that it’s coming. Get it! This way she has no time to run, and with luck, after waking from the force of your blow (and downing a few aspirin), she’ll be happy to have found her way into your cave. Either that or she won’t remember what hit her, and you’ll get one more attempt at working your “non-apparent” magic on the cave girl without a clue.