Since the early days of my childhood, when my mother’s parents visited the family on snowy holidays spent on the Great Lakes, I was astute enough to understand a single, pure truth that echoes throughout the empty, vacuous chasm of relationships: You must get along with the in-laws if you value your sanity.

There are no two ways about it. Unless your girlfriend or wife is an orphan, a beatnik, or a crack baby, she will have a fairly tight web of dependence to her nest throughout her life. (I’m going to use the generic term “in-laws” to denote parents of girlfriends, too, for convenience). Of course, many males do not get along with their partner’s parents; it’s all but a natural law. It’s one of those things that signifies the catch in the “too good to be true” misnomer. However, to enjoy your life in the least, you must make a careful, well-planned effort to find a common ground with the same people who made the happiness in your life possible, and at the same time took it away from you in the most sinister way.

These are examples of aspects of a person’s being you have to clearly analyze and reflect on, possibly making compromises or sacrifices over. You must look carefully at where you are willing to draw the line before it gets crossed, as it often does. What I mean here is if you believe strongly that your children should be punished with no dessert for a week, and your life partner believes that all punishment starts with the belt and ends with the belt, you should discuss this thoroughly before you end up on America: Undercover. It’s not the kind of thing you can just fly by the seat of your pants on. You have to decide what you can accept and deal with and what you absolutely will not (ahead of time).

Such a layer to a person’s being is the institution of parents. And I do mean “institution.” The aforementioned factors can honestly make or break a relationship. The relationship with your significant other’s parents is the same way. Sure, nobody is really great friends with the in-laws, but making them the enemy will make your life miserable.

Allow me to explain. Say your in-laws and you disagree on some issue of purported significance, say, procurement of retirement funds, financial planning. This can possibly get very heated because you basically have a match of two (or more) egos. The parents want to make sure their daughter (and grandkids, family) are taken care of after they are gone. They want to leave a granite-bound legacy. They do not want to see their family regress in socio-economic status and live in a trailer park.

You, on the other hand, do not want your ability to provide for your own to be called into question and ridiculed. The added pressure here will be that it will be coming from someone who is presumably already established, and no matter the circumstances, it will feel to you as if you are being taunted. You will feel like you have something to prove. Perhaps, you will not feel as if there is any faith in your decision-making.

All these emotions and ideas run together in an amalgam of frustration and cock-fighting. If such an argument takes place, the woman will feel torn between old family and new. She will panic and reject being thrust into this position. Rightly so. Then, she will most likely side with her parents to stop the debate and then the seals begin breaking. I don’t have to tell you what domestic disputes will occur over topics such as the woman’s loyalty and confidence in you. You will feel like an ass. They will feel like they’ve won, like they’ve conquered you, and they will throw it in your face like wedding cake.

This will of course be a problem to you. You will feel thrown into a constant position of defensiveness when these matters are brought up, especially around them. Even if the woman remains voiceless in the argument, she will surely voice her displeasure to you privately later. She will make you feel like you are on the wrong side of the battle because she will try to inevitably play peacekeeper, asking you to be the “bigger person.”

There’s also the contingency of you not saying anything at all in a debate with the parents. This will change the nature of the situation from debate to lecture, and if you are at the point of being married and dealing with in-laws, you have likely had enough lecturing to make your eyes twitch at the mere mention of the word. Thus, you will again be very frustrated and meetings with the parents will seem very cumbersome.

The fighting will then probably take place at home, because although you may have kept your mouth shut in front of the in-laws, you probably will run out of patience and need to vent it to your woman. So, she will take the defensive and vouch for her parents and then she will solely regard it as your problem.

Some parents like to act condescending to their daughters in front of company (yes, this means YOU). Alternately, they will talk down or over you. This should not be taken. It is rude, impolite, unclassy, uncourteous, and downright trashy. There’s no disrespect coming from you, so there should be no disrespect from their end. And that’s what that is. Disrespectful. And low. inlineAd(alRight);

You should calmly address this, although if they are the types to drop to that level, they will probably only use the conversation to insinuate another argument. If they are weak and love to argue just for argument’s sake; if they cannot accept anyone’s point of view other than their own, then they will probably eat up this opportunity to act like children.

They will not, however, understand you not retaliating. They may taunt you. They may try to get under your skin. But remember, you are not psychotic. Don’t play their game. If all they want to do is start a fight, then they will not listen to what you have to say. So, back off. You have done all you need to do. Their actions will speak for them.

Bitter interactions with the in-laws will slowly start to sour the relationship. You will be unhappy because of the friction stemming from the apparent conclusion that they do not understand logic. She will be unhappy because you’re all not one big, happy fucking family. They will secretly love (even if they do not understand that they do) that they have created an enemy in you, and have something interesting in their lives to deal with. They will feel closer to their daughter; they will feel they are fulfilling their parental role by antagonizing you.

What you should do is never let your emotions get involved. Be firm, but don’t lose your cool. If you have beliefs that you feel obligated to defend, go ahead and present them. If not, pass the time with small talk and laugh off aggravated lines of questioning with parent-testing lines like “life’s too short to worry about it.” Stick up for your woman if she’s being disrespected, but don’t let it get heated. Just let her know you’re trying to defend her honor.

Keep them at arm’s length. Don’t let them infiltrate your inner circle. Don’t let them get to you. Because that’s how they are testing you. To them, giving in to their petty games is losing. So, just grin and bear for the short visits you have to share, and never let it fall into that hostile zone.

Making relations with the in-laws civil will help your relationship prosper. And if the interaction is already ruined, be ready for troubled times ahead. Unless she’s worth the heavy bullshit that will follow, unless she’s the one, your relationship will suffer greatly. Play it safe. Play it cool.