You are lying in bed with a woman; your arm is around her as she leans her back against your chest. Your body is curled around hers in the same position, allowing you to be touching as much of her body as possible -- your bodies resemble two nested spoons. Yes, Gentlemen, you are spooning.

I often hear men complain and groan about how their partners always want to cuddle. Personally, I think it is all just a front. Who wouldn’t love to curl up with someone like two warm bugs snug in a rug lined in 300-plus thread count sheets? When it comes down to it, if you really care about the person you are with, spooning is one of the greatest pleasures you can share with someone, aside from sex. And you need to know why, don’t ya… I knew you did!

To sleep, perchance to… grope?

Over the years, I’ve developed several close platonic friendships with men. Once in a while, I’ll end up in a situation where I’ve crashed in the same bed with one of them because a bunch of us have rented a cabin together, or I fell asleep watching a movie in his room, or just because we felt like it. The great thing about this position is the close proximity of certain body parts. By laying in this position a guy can “accidentally” rest a hand on a breast or lodge himself firmly against a girl’s buttocks. Now, I am not condoning any kind of unwanted or unsolicited behavior, but if you think that there is some chemistry there, and you are pretty confident your feelings will be returned, this can be the perfect opportunity to make a move.

Usually, in my experience, the guy I’m spooning with will have his arm around my waist and his face buried close to the back of my neck. We’ll lay there for a while and close our eyes and lie very still to feign sleep. Then, he will slowly move the arm that is around my waist up until his hand is almost touching my breast. He might even stop a moment to caress the skin on my arm or my stomach. But men being men, we all know quite well where that hand is going to end up. The next step is to move his arm until his hand is resting on, or near, the closest available breast. This maneuver might happen slowly, one finger at a time creeping along softly and quietly like a cat stalking its prey. It can also happen in one deft movement while, say, attempting to “adjust his position”. His hand will conveniently land on my breast after stretching. The move can also be used when sitting next to a girl whilst watching a movie (for reference, watch reruns of Happy Days or the movie Grease as John “Mr. Scientology” Travolta makes his move on Olivia Newton-John during the drive-in scene).

Once the hand has made contact, you can take it to the next level. At this point, I’ll sense that he is pressing his groin against me and if I am receptive to this, I will lean back against him in return. This is taken as a sign of reciprocity and frantic making out will then ensue. If I do not respond, then he will make one more attempt at seducing me by nuzzling or kissing my neck. At this junction, all I have to do is turn my head towards him to accept his advances, or do absolutely nothing and pretend that I am asleep in order to show that I’m not interested. If he senses that I am not responding, all he has to do is lay back, relax, and resume the spooning position and all is well. Both of us will still enjoy the physical closeness and affection that comes from sleeping together in the spooning position without compromising our platonic relationship. Afterwards, I will act like I was asleep and had no idea he was attempting to seduce me, sparing both of us any potential awkwardness.

What do I do with my other arm?

You are lying in bed on your right side behind your girlfriend in the blissful spooning position. Your left arm is draped over her body around her waist, hugging her towards you. Where do you put your right arm? Do you lay on it with your own body? If you do that, you will lose all the circulation in your arm and end up waking up to the feeling of pins and needles. Alternatively, you could position your right arm in front of your body, but that will create a barricade between her body and yours which defeats the purpose of spooning. You really want to be able to feel her back lean against your chest, right? So you stick your arm underneath her body or her head and once again, your arm falls asleep... too bad you can't! There are a couple solutions to this. One thing you can try is placing your right arm underneath her neck. It won't weigh down as heavily as her head so you may be able to retain some blood circulation. The more common solution is to place your right arm underneath her pillow. You can position your arm straight out or bent at the elbow; it doesn't really matter because the pillow will act as a buffer between her head and your arm. You will find that it distributes the weight of her head more evenly so it is not blocking the blood circulation between your shoulder and your fingers. No matter what position your arm is under there, it shouldn't disrupt her comfort at all and it allows you to maintain maximum closeness between your two bodies.

Spooning and cocooning

"Many couples simply find the Spoon a comforting, safe cocoon," explains Shirley P. Glass, Ph.D., a psychologist and marital therapist. Hectic schedules often prevent couples from spending enough time with one another. Spooning together before falling asleep or in the morning before getting out of bed allows you to share precious quality time being affectionate and close. It is a tender and intimate way of expressing love and affection without sex.

How long do I have to hold her?

Don’t think of it as a painful obligation with a time requirement. You both should be physically and emotionally comfortable with the idea of cuddling together. If you are in a sexual relationship and you aren’t at ease with holding this woman in your arms, perhaps you should reconsider whether you should be sleeping with her at all. If you truly are attracted to this woman, you will naturally want to be as close to her as possible. Stay in the position for as long as both of you are comfortable. That can be anything from 15 minutes to 8 hours. It is normal to turn and change positions and perhaps do the reverse, with the woman holding the man. If you are sharing your bed with someone every night, after a while you will form your own sleeping and cuddling patterns. If the classic spooning position doesn’t work well for you, you might try some well-known variations.

Head on shoulder

Man lays on his back, woman rests her head on his shoulder or chest. In this position, the man can put his arm around her shoulders hugging him to her. Several men I know tell me they like this position because of the feeling of affection they sense from a woman laying against them in this way.

The Accidental Touch

Your bodies are separate from each other on either sides of the bed but at least one body part is touching the other. Perhaps her foot is leaning against his leg, or his hand is leaning against her arm. The point is to let your partner know that you are comfortable sleeping with them and still want to be close even if you sleep better 2 feet away with your legs sprawled out like a little kid.

Back to Back Butt Touch

Both parties are sleeping facing away from each other in a fetal position so that their butts are touching. An ideal position for those couples that prefer to sleep on their sides but need some space in order to sleep well. Like the Accidental Touch position, this allows a couple to maintain physical contact while sleeping independently.

Whatever position you choose, I hope that you will master the Art of Spooning.

Courtney Young is a master and teacher of Spooning and is currently taking applications for aspiring and enthusiastic tall male students with big hands. Morning people need not apply.