“I hopelessly… helplessly… wonder why…”

...You don’t have a girl? Can’t figure it out, can you? You spend all your afternoons writing poetry, you’ve read all the great romantic classics, and you’ve watched every Meg Ryan comedy out there with your mother. You refer to women as “ladies” zealously, and you never refer to sex as anything other than “making love.” You’ve got women’s emotions down pat, and you are an ace at talking and relating to females on an emotional level. You’re such a gentleman! You have so much charm! You’ve never even kissed a girl! What are you doing wrong?Everything.

If you are a hopeless romantic, then this is for you. Everyone refers to you as ”such a nice guy.” You’re around a gaggle of girls, but they all think of you as “just a friend.”Stuck in this phase? You don’t have to eek out eternity in this limbo.Trying to be a renaissance man with the ladies is fine and good, but it has its proper place.

For all you guys that aspire to be Leonardo DiCaprio, save yourself the hassle. Most dudes think he’s a discredit to our gender. More significantly, he is portraying a role.One role of many. The best advice you can have is to be yourself.

You’ve heard that a million times! What is it supposed to mean? It doesn’t help! It should. What it means, in part, that when you are being a downright sap with someone you don’t know that well, it seems like you are “trying too hard.” Something that you’ve also probably heard a thousand times, if you’re a seasoned pro.

Nobody in real life acts like Casanova all the time. Basically, even Romeo was a ladies’ man for only about 2 days, or something like that. Think about it. If you had prime rib every day of your life, you’d turn to vegetarianism in about 3 weeks.Even good things can suffer from overkill. So, even if you dream of being Prince Charming and sweeping a damsel off of her feet, you have to give it a rest every once in a while. Even Superman took his cape to the cleaners.

I suppose romantics like to think they have an air of mystery about them, but often it’s quite the opposite. Painting a picture of yourself as a sweet, sensitive guy who likes sunset walks at the beach. You’ve just spilled all the beans. You’ve left out all the mystery. There’s nothing to find out. Nothing to chase after. Nothing to earn, no goal to reach. It’s much better to keep someone guessing, and to let out a little of the charm at a time. The element of surprise is a formidable one.

When meeting a girl, she wants to know about all of you, all of what makes you tick. Being romantic should be only one angle, only one layer. It’s like meeting a football player who only talks about football. Unless social status and money are involved, she’s going to get tired of the shtick pretty soon. Same way with the hopeless romantic. As truly selfless and loving as you may be, most women (or men) will get tired of it fairly soon, if it’s all you have to offer. Nobody wants to be shmoopy all the time, just like no one wants to talk about football all the time. You must save room for basketball and boxing, too.

You may like to write or dream, in your spare time, but there must be other elements to your life, and thus to your presentation. Do you like comedy? Video games? Bowling? Action movies? Hiking? Jenga? Beer? Nobody wants a jack of one trade, if that’s all there is. As deep as you may think or feel, this actually comes off as shallow. Or boring. It gets old fast.

Have you ever heard the phrase “too good to be true?” Usually, when women meet a guy who gets recommended as a “keeper,” and falls into this hopeless romantic category, they think he’s too good to be true. All her baggage plus all those self-esteem issues she’s probably been wrestling with since puberty are likely to add up to her dismissal of him, because she thinks she doesn’t deserve him. There usually follows some kind of internalized self-fulfilling prophecy that moves in cyclical fashion. She will be likely to be scared off, and will subconsciously self-sabotage the relationship. Being “scared off” is a big component – don’t take it lightly.

You’ve probably met girls who thought you were too intense. Or that’s what they told their friends after you left, anyhow. You’ve just got to relax and let things flow. Act the way you would upon meeting a new friend. Save the chivalry and sweet gestures for important dates and anniversaries. When you come up front acting like a knight in shining armor, or worse yet, talking about how you are, you will probably be turned down. Remember, actions always speak louder than words.

Women are looking for “normal” guys, in their opinion, because they swear they’ve met too many assholes or weirdos. You’ve got to take it slow; let her get to know you -- and most importantly, trust you -- before spelling her name out in the sky with a biplane.

The important thing that hopeless romantics miss is that they think that they know what women want, and so they give it to them in bulk up front, guerilla-style. It has to be eased into, though.Romantic things are to be shared between people who share an intimate connection or bond; there has to be trust there. Otherwise, it just seems creepy.

When you are trying to be debonair and romantic, and you get rejected by a girl you don’t know that well, it is because she is asking herself, “Why is he doing this?” It’s not something she would expect from an acquaintance; it doesn’t make sense unless it’s coming from someone special. Once acceptable boundaries are established, then you can begin to go ice skating, alone, in the dark to “Endless Love.”

Of course, many hopeless romantics try their hand at love by choosing the originality card, meaning that they try to do something unique (and most times totally bombastic) for their introduction. It’s true, gaining a person’s attention and separating yourself from the rest of the mob is crucial for success in relationships, and societal life in general. Just remember that everything is good in moderation (except moderation).

Also, never forget that no matter how awesome your introduction, no matter how stunning your entrance, it does not matter how incredible or well-received your actions are. There is nothing you can do to make a girl like you. If the feelings, the connections, are not there, no table-top serenade, no two hundred pound teddy bear will make them appear.

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The opening quote to this feature is from the song “Hopeless,” by Train, from the “Drops of Jupiter” album, a delightful work of emotional songs for the hopeless romantic. Fans of romantic films and Leonardo DiCaprio should check out Titanic, if they haven’t already. A ridiculous favorite among hopeless romantics is City of Angels, incidentally also starring Meg Ryan. An even more ridiculous story with a yet further ridiculous romantic subplot: Deep Impact. Yes, the one about the apocalyptic meteor attack. One of my favorite words that I thought of while writing this – pyrotechnics. THE best poem about heartbreak, EVER – here.