With every new partner with which you choose to become intimate, comes the unmatched excitement of discovery. With that discovery comes the revealing of a person's likes and dislikes; what feels good and what doesn't. How they like you to touch them, and how they like to be touched in return. The best part is, everyone is different, so every new partner is a new discovery, a new treasure map to be explored and conquered. Yet while everyone truly is different, there is one consistent pattern that emerges among men.

Ladies, there is no delicate way to put this. So, straight up, when it comes to the foreplay, the fooling around, the discovery of a partner's nethers, keep the hand-on-penis action to a minimum. A bare, and absolute minimum. It's not that we don't want you touching us down there, its just that you aren't very good at it. But you know who is good at manually manipulating us? We are. So leave it to us, if you would be so kind.

Hand Jobs: A brief history

1712 - The first documented proof of a handjob is recorded by one Hiram Hecklebauner IV, heir to the throne of the Scottish village of Pernouyth. His words read as follows:

"... Chancellor Adams delivered to me his youngest daughter this eve, and with it came the disgrace of a woman un-educated in the ways of a man. Rather then simply offering me her womb, she attempted to perform an act on me I dare not even perform on myself. Manual manipulation of the male genitals is an act best left for demons and rogues. May her palms grow hairy, her heart grow weary, and may she rot in the pits of a hell she has created."

1841 - Penile chaffing is first discovered.

1859 - A young chemist named Robert Chesebrough in Brooklyn, New York discovers Vaseline.

1892 - Prostitutes offer lower priced alternatives to the less wealthy population. The term 'Hand Job' is first coined, and customers leave satisfied, yet confused, and extremely red and chaffed.

1904 - Prostitutes begin using Vaseline.

1932 - A young Chicago mobster suggests his girlfriend try using some Vaseline when jerking him off. Her response is not pretty:

"I'm not your god damned whore! Whatsa matter? You don't like it when I touch you? I don't make you feel good? Why do you want to try and ruin an intimate moment by saying something so insensitive?" Not that it's acceptable, but she was later beaten senseless by the highly irritable mobster.

1967 - Fred Murray of Indiana stops his wife while she is stroking him and suggests 'maybe we should just stick to oral'. Fred does not have sex for another five months, and to this day his wife still brings 'the situation' up during arguments.

1984 - A married man in London England is caught masturbating by his wife, who sees him furiously pounding away at his manhood. She mistakingly equates speed with sensation. Worse still, she is an associate editor of a woman's magazine.

1985 - Cosmo publishes the article 'How to get your man off' in its October issue. Chaffing reaches an all time high.

1995 - The Council Of Masturbation Educators (COME) prepares for "Global Jerk '95 - Hand Jobs Across the World" which is an international orgy, a giant Jack & Jill-Off promoting self-love as an alternative to self-hatred and shame. This unprecedented release of sexual energy is expected to have profound healing effects on the planet. In the end, the planet is not at all affected, yet lubrication stocks rise a sharp 6.6% on the quarter.*

In this briefly outlined history, you will immediately notice that there is only one quasi-positive listing, and that would be the prostitutes' introduction of lubrication. However, as witnessed in the unfortunate incident involving the young mobster, trying to introduce lubrication in the heat of the moment is a bad, bad idea, one which I can personally attest to. I can see the woman's perspective on this. Sure, it's logical to use lubrication to get the job done, but it makes the act more of a mechanical gesture than an emotional, sexual one. So pulling a tube of KY out of your jacket pocket is out of the question.

While we are on the subject of logic, let's face the facts. It is completely illogical for a woman to give a man a hand job (or attempt to do so). Would Wayne Gretzky hire a hockey coach for his kids? Not likely. Would Luciano Pavarotti hire a band for his sister's wedding? Of course not. So then why, in the name of all things sacred are you trying to masturbate me ladies? I am the fucking Babe Ruth of jerking me off, so leave it to the Bambino to get the job done.

This column is clearly indicative of my own opinion, but don't let that fool you. This is less an opinion piece than it is a public service. I've spoken to more then enough men willing to substantiate my claims.

Dave 26, in Boston says: "I spent the weekend at nice hotel with my chick. We were in the hot tub to start, and she was playing with me under the water and it felt pretty good. Then knowing the dangers of underwater sex, we toweled off and moved to the bed. It was then that she continued to jerk me off, and after the first 30 seconds the sensation moved from pleasure to pain, then to extreme discomfort. I was red and chaffed all weekend, and I didn't enjoy sex once."

Mark 17, in Colorado adds: "It's frustrating that more and more women are seeing hand jobs as a realistic alternative to oral, or even sex. Wasn't Bill Clinton supposed to fix this?"

Andres 34, in Vancouver: "Just play with the balls."

Given that opinions are relatively uniform across the board, the logical next step is to define what exactly a hand job is, and when it has taken place.

Hand Jobs by definition:

I was unable to locate a modern dictionary with a definition of the term hand job. This doesn't surprise me at all, as it clearly indicates that the male editors of our most popular dictionaries stand with me on this issue. So if the panel will allow, I will attempt to define hand job, so that a solution to this problem can be outlined more clearly.

Quite simply, a hand job occurs when one partner in an intimate relationship is stroking the penis of the other in an attempt to bring them to orgasm. A hand job has occured when the recipient of the hand job ejaculates. However, since the likelihood of ejaculation before reaching the pain threshold is quite low, the term hand job is defined by the attempt itself, and not the desired (yet rarely achieved) result.

The committing of any sort of criminal activity (lets just call it that for the sake of argument) is defined by the physical action itself (actus reus) and the mental intent (mens rea) to both commit the act, and comprehend it.

Therefore, if your partner is stroking your manhood with the intent of bringing you to climax, they are commiting the act of hand job. This can no longer be considered foreplay once they have made the mental commitment to 'make you come', as they have no intention of progressing any further sexually (unless they are willing to wait out your refractory period).

The Proposed Solution:

The solution is really quite simple, and it involves mostly alloted time and mental intent. Firstly, its important that the proposed guidelines be adhered to strictly and that no deviation from code ensues. This is vital to ensure that no mis-interpretation of the rules occurs somewhere down the road. The guidelines read as follows:

For the Ladies:

1. You may not under any circumstances begin a handjob with the intent of bringing your partner to orgasm unless he asks you to.
2. You may only begin handplay under the basic assumption that you will progress to oral sex or vaginal penetration.
3. You are allowed a maximum of two minutes unless otherwise instructed.

For the Men:

1. The two minute rule must be strictly enforced in the event of discomfort. If no discomfort occurs, allow the hand job to continue at your own risk, all the while being wary of DOCC (Delayed Onset Cock Chaffing).
2. Any violators of the code must be reported to the council for entry into the databank. All offenders will have their records removed after 6 months barring further incident.

Simple to follow, and simple to implement. The key here, is to remember that we are not trying to rectify a problem that has gotten out of control, but we are actually trying to right a wrong that should have never occured in the first place.

Please direct any questions to the Chaser Sex and Relationships forum, where council members will be happy to answer any and all questions directly related to the new guidelines.

* - Editor's note - there is actually no such thing as 'lubrication stocks.'