Hand Jobs by definition:

I was unable to locate a modern dictionary with a definition of the term hand job. This doesn't surprise me at all, as it clearly indicates that the male editors of our most popular dictionaries stand with me on this issue. So if the panel will allow, I will attempt to define hand job, so that a solution to this problem can be outlined more clearly.

Quite simply, a hand job occurs when one partner in an intimate relationship is stroking the penis of the other in an attempt to bring them to orgasm. A hand job has occured when the recipient of the hand job ejaculates. However, since the likelihood of ejaculation before reaching the pain threshold is quite low, the term hand job is defined by the attempt itself, and not the desired (yet rarely achieved) result.

The committing of any sort of criminal activity (lets just call it that for the sake of argument) is defined by the physical action itself (actus reus) and the mental intent (mens rea) to both commit the act, and comprehend it.

Therefore, if your partner is stroking your manhood with the intent of bringing you to climax, they are commiting the act of hand job. This can no longer be considered foreplay once they have made the mental commitment to 'make you come', as they have no intention of progressing any further sexually (unless they are willing to wait out your refractory period).

The Proposed Solution:

The solution is really quite simple, and it involves mostly alloted time and mental intent. Firstly, its important that the proposed guidelines be adhered to strictly and that no deviation from code ensues. This is vital to ensure that no mis-interpretation of the rules occurs somewhere down the road. The guidelines read as follows:

For the Ladies:

1. You may not under any circumstances begin a handjob with the intent of bringing your partner to orgasm unless he asks you to.
2. You may only begin handplay under the basic assumption that you will progress to oral sex or vaginal penetration.
3. You are allowed a maximum of two minutes unless otherwise instructed.

For the Men:

1. The two minute rule must be strictly enforced in the event of discomfort. If no discomfort occurs, allow the hand job to continue at your own risk, all the while being wary of DOCC (Delayed Onset Cock Chaffing).
2. Any violators of the code must be reported to the council for entry into the databank. All offenders will have their records removed after 6 months barring further incident.

Simple to follow, and simple to implement. The key here, is to remember that we are not trying to rectify a problem that has gotten out of control, but we are actually trying to right a wrong that should have never occured in the first place.

Please direct any questions to the Chaser Sex and Relationships forum, where council members will be happy to answer any and all questions directly related to the new guidelines.

* - Editor's note - there is actually no such thing as 'lubrication stocks.'