Monday: Received a box in the mail filled with vibrators of various hues. Apparently I am to review something called the Mini Pearl Essence Vibe. Contacted James to protest but it's either the vibrators or the fake vagina. I stick with the vibrators, but vow the week will not end up with a plastic cock in my rectum.

Tuesday: Asked my ex-girlfriend, Christina Aguilera to help me with product testing. She obliged, very magnanimous of her. Was impressed with her generosity considering I had only purchased the one week plan, invoice #244453. Once while eating dinner with her, saw boyfriend #56 bleeding to death on the street. Xtina (as she prefers we address her) didn't even look twice. A three week guy, no less, and she even remembered his name. Rough.

Wednesday: While eating out, left vibrator on table in effort to inspire new methods of review. Waitress noticeably averse to annoying the hell out of me every other minute. Potential unintended use to explore here.

Later while riding the bus I placed a single obtrusive vibrator in the seat beside me. Bus filled up, and still nobody sat next to me. Conclusion: public display of vibrator an anti social jerk's best friend.

Thursday: Used vibrator to beat eggs today. Very effective. Turning vibration on helps greatly. Site of egg white dripping off the tip of the vibrator compelled me to stop and wash my hands repeatedly.

Xtina returned the one I loaned her. She used it to service herself between #3460 and her five o'clock with Justin Timberlake.

Its condition - damaged beyond repair. I remind myself however that my review would be for the benefit of human women. Conclusion: durable.

Friday: Saw a dude using a laptop computer at the local café instead of just drinking his coffee and getting the fuck out.

I was of course morally obligated to put him down. Reached for my GLOCK 17 but unfortunately grabbed the Mini Pearl Essence. Stood there for an awkward few moments pointing a magenta vibrator at man. Noticed that this created an instant of dissonance processing, thus freezing him for a crucial half second. Took the opportunity to bludgeon him nearly to death with vibrator. Excellent. The authorities would never even believe such a story. The perfect crime.

The vibrator has been very useful and multi-faceted. And yet I feel I am not doing justice to the product without using it to anally pleasure myself.

I decide that I will not do the product justice.

This is a vibrator. If you do not know what a vibrator is then you are probably a Mormon. Can you get me Steve Young's autograph?

Look / Feel / Design

The Mini Pearl Essence Vibe is only five inches long. This is bad if you prefer an above average penis. But this is good if cops are using it to sexually assault you. Believe me, that means it's very good.

It also comes in many colors. Black is conspicuously absent as it would be incredible to see a black phallus so small. Consumer suspension of disbelief has its limits. Remember when Denise Richards played a nuclear scientist? Yeah.

Durability

It almost survived Xtina's industrial strength twat. Should be just fine for standard issue vaginas.

Features and Settings

The primary feature of the Mini Pearl Essence Vibe is that it vibrates. This is intended to produce sexual pleasure when inserted either vaginally or anally. Whether it is effective in this I cannot say as I do not pleasure myself or other men in that manner. As far as pleasuring females I am far too much of a chauvinist to bother with such a thing.

Volume

How quiet does a vibrator need to be? Do you intend to use it on a commercial flight or something? If so I want to sit next to you.

It's quiet enough that you can use it in private, ok? Fucking exhibitionist.

Quality vs. Price

I don't know how much vibrators usually go for. But since all men are whores and access to a real live penis costs absolutely nothing, I have to say the Mini Pearl Essence Vibe is overpriced. Then again, a real penis doesn't vibrate. Thus highlighting the fundamental and woeful inadequacy of the male genitalia.