Your Best Friend

It may sound cynical and reek of paranoia, but it's true. If you spend equal amounts of time with your old lady and your best friend, chances are they spend a lot of time together. You love your girlfriend in a different way than you may love your best friend, but your best friend no doubt sees your girlfriend as the statuesque and buxom vixen she was born as. Even the most trustworthy of friends still have human impulses.

How do you think Jerry Springer is still on the air?

The Football Team

Although clichéd, it seems these men among men are the biggest culprits of womanizing. Obvious, yes. But some women fall into the trap of muscles and vapidity faster than lobsters into a pot of boiling water. For every crude, brainless, and unoriginal thought uttered by one of these heathens there is a panty getting moist. It has something to do with the way they are built. And if your girl is a sports reporter, you’re screwed. Or is that, she’s screwed?

Her Guy Friends

This doesn’t refer to ex-boyfriends, but her straight friends or co-workers. Extra caution if she is the type to have more guy friends than girl friends (an obtuse effort to whittle down the competition), and if she's known these guy friends longer than she's known you. Worse still is if she has more than one buddy around. It just raises the odds of something happening exponentially.

Her Co-worker

No doubt there is someone at her place of business trying to get with her. Be wary of any guys she meets that are friendly, or worse yet, flirtatious.

You know the type because you've been there. You wouldn't mind a little tongue-on-tongue action in the stockroom if no one found out. So, guess what? The same slimeball is thinking the same thing as your girl bends over for the hostess in the breakroom.

Don't buy into the crap that he has a girlfriend, because even if he does, you know it doesn’t matter. You know.

Explain to your girlfriend the mentality involved. Inevitably, she will not understand and think you are jealous. Warn her you will not be sympathetic when the jerk-ass makes a move on her. Throw it in her face when he does, and then, beat the guy's ass with a spiked bat anyway.

Her Ex

He's arrogant, rude, and treated her like crap. She only stayed with him so long because he could make her toes curl like no one else and scream out for him to never stop. Now she has you to take her shopping and to plays and listen to her problems and he can stick to what he's good at, sticking it to her.

And since you’re a jerk too, that’s just another shoulder to cry on.

Her Purportedly Gay Stylist

You gotta watch this guy. It could all be an expansive ruse, allowing him to earn her trust in only 1 day a week. He could be playing 10-20 women at a time...depending on how quickly he can shampoo and cut hair. And come to think of it, this could be a great way to meet new women. Perhaps if he is messing around with your girl, you should get some pointers. Who knows, it could be such a great angle that you adopt it as your own.

The Single Guy with a Kid

Pay attention to the singular. Single guy with a horde of kids means Michael Jackson, and he won’t be doing your girlfriend any time soon. Single guy with kid, however, is like the devious angler fish. The cute kid is that grotesque worm hanging from his surreptitious appendage.

What single guy has a kid anyway? That’s already suspicious. Either he’s just borrowing it for the day from his baby’s momma or he and a group of opportunistic guys bought a kid from China and time share it for exactly this purpose.

A woman smart enough to see past this ploy has not yet been invented. Beware.

Kyle Skinner

He's hotter than you, he's smarter than you, and his cock makes a fire hydrant blush. He will undoubtedly run across your woman someday. And if she's hot enough, you better get used to a loose caboose if you stick with her.