Chaser recently sent intrepid reporter, and resident pimp Kyle Skinner out onto the Internet to look for loving. He reports as follows:

Pre-Game Show

I am sick and tired of going to bars on the weekend and trying to meet new women.

Or at least I was. And this bold revelation is what finally brought me online in my latest get laid scheme. See, some months ago a friend of mine had been spending copious amounts of time in the Yahoo! Canada chat rooms in a thinly veiled attempt to meet women. His efforts finally brought success, and before you can say bring a rubber he was off on his real world mission to nail his cyber world cohort. It was only after this incident that I learned he had fielded many other opportunities with women he had met online, but just now had he finally worked up enough nerve to meet one of the women in real life. He is glad that he did, because they still get together for a game of hide the sausage every month or so.

At best, I am a naturally cautious and pessimistic person. My friend swore to me that there are good looking women online, but perhaps my own ignorance prevents me from believing this to be true. I was on the internet long before it was cool. When it was the tool of the loner. I watched the internet during the transition from geek to chic, and yet still, something has convinced me that there isn't a desirable woman to be found online.

I was again informed that I am sadly mistaken. That there are attractive, lonely women out there, and that they are just waiting for an intelligent, attractive geek like myself to sweep them off their mouse pads. So I took to the internet, with the hopes of tracking one or two of them down.

The first stop on my journey was the online personals. After seeing what was available, I decided on one of the popular 'friend' finder services, which claims to have over seven million registered members world wide. Wow, that is truly an impressive number, and should make for a lot of choice. I decided my ad should be descriptive, yet as short as possible, so as to not give away too much about me too early on. It read as follows:

Tall, dark, handsome. Hi, my name is Kyle and I'm a 6'6, 225lb male with a boxers body. I enjoy nice dinners, good conversation and lots of laughs. I'm looking for someone in good shape, who likes to have fun and is as open to trying new things as I am.

Simple and to the point, I expected my pimp-hand to soon explode in size. After all, who could resist such a well rounded man with such a beautiful body?

Vivica

The emails started coming just 24 hours after my online profile was approved. The first was a from a lady with the enticing and exotic name Vivica. She described her self as a molado with cocoa brown skin, 5'10 tall and a very hot body. Claiming to be adventurous and sexual, she went so far as to provide me with a link to a web site containing a photo of herself. The site contained only one photo of her in all, and I found it quite odd that the photo was so small. Odder still, her face was blurred out in the photo. On top of that, the web site didn't look like any other personal site I'd ever seen, and there were several other photos of Toronto area girls on there, equally as small and all with their faces blurred out.

Regardless, Vivica had an incredible body, and in her email she did promise to show me good time. This was much easier than I thought, as only two short days after beginning my adventure, I had a line on a total babe. I replied to her saying that I would very much like to get together with her for a drink. My email was subtle, but contained just enough enthusiasm to peak her interest.

She replied back without haste, suggesting that we meet at the bar in the Toronto Marriott hotel. I found this rather odd, then tried to explain to her that there were much better places to go in downtown Toronto for drink, but she insisted that we meet at the hotel. I told her I would call her the next day for directions, but she wouldn't let me. I told her repeatedly that it was necessary to speak to her on the phone before I came down to Toronto, but she told me that she was not allowed to speak to clients before meetings.

I was completely baffled by this. After much thought, I concluded that she must do her emailing from her place of work, and was afraid of making such arrangements on her work phone, for fear of getting fired. Why else would she have called me a client?

The morning of our date, Vivica emailed me to remind me to bring cash, because she couldn't accept credit cards. It turns out that Vivica was an escort, who is paid for sex. Everything became clear to me in that instant, and I kicked myself for not seeing it sooner. The photo, the web site, the hotel.

Undeterred by such a laughable experience, I pressed on with my mission.

Kari

Five days after my final contact with that whore Vivica (if that was her real name) I got an email from Kari. Comparing her email to the first one Vivica sent me, it was certainly less business like. Kari seemed to be a warm and caring person, and she didn't hesitate to tell me many things about herself right from the get go. As involved as her email was, it didn't seemed somewhat form-like to me, but I considered that there are many online guides that help people write their personal, so she probably followed something like that when deciding to email me and describe herself.

Upon being directed to her web site, I was relieved to see that she was the only female on the site, and it was a much more personal site. In addition to that good news, she looked absolutely stunning in the three small photos of herself in a bikini. I've always had a bit of a fondness for short haired blonde women, and Kari fit that image to a tee.

We exchanged emails for an entire week. I told Kari all about myself, and in exchange she gladly returned the favor. She seemed like a very driven and goal-oriented 24 year old woman, which is a quality I absolutely love. We agreed to meet for dinner that Thursday night.

Dinner was wonderful. We met in a restaurant high atop the city, and as with our previous emails, the conversation flowed. She told me everything about her past, family life concluded, and I was comfortable with her willingness to lay everything out on the table so early on. It showed me that she was comfortable with me already.

I couldn't have asked for things to be going any better. This is exactly what I wanted to get myself into when I set out on my mission, as I was having a great time, and was positive my date was as well. Only one thing was missing, the physical contact. And after dinner, as we stepped out of the restaurant, I moved in for the kill, and snagged the first kiss.

Or tried to at least. She stopped me dead in my tracks.

She went on to explain that she loves having someone like me to talk to, because she doesn't really have many close friends. She enjoys my company immensely, and would love to hang out with me again in the future. She told me we couldn't get involved physically, because men normally pay her for sex.

What the fuck?

Candice

At this point I had become quite bitter, but not yet defeated. Both of the contacts I had made through the online personals turned out to be prostitutes, and my month long membership to the service expired without me receiving any more emails. I decided it was time to leave the friend finder services, and find a new means by which I could score some poon.

On a hot tip from my aforementioned friend, I decided to check out the Yahoo! Canada chat rooms. Upon first entering I had horrible flashbacks to my early days on IRC, as everyone was so immature, and the ones who weren't making asses of themselves seemed mostly uninteresting. Just as I was about to leave, someone with the nickname SeasonedHottie69 said something I found to be rather intelligently worded, and I private messaged her to discuss what she had said. After our brief discussion she decided to tell me a little bit about herself. Her name was Candice and it turns out she was 34 years old (admittedly, older than I was looking for, but not necessarily a terrible thing, given her nickname) with no children and recently divorced. We exchanged email addresses and I left the chat room.

About a week later I received an email from Candice. She said that she enjoyed talking to me, and would like to continue to get to know me through email. I was cool with that, and after a couple of weeks of email exchange, she sent me a photo of herself.

I was blown away. Candice was an incredible looking woman with an incredible body. Her decorated past apparently included a brief stint as a stripper, but this photo was taken less than a year ago she told me. I was very impressed, and my hesitation to meet this older woman was now erased. We scheduled a meeting for drinks, and agreed that there would be no pressure to pursue a physical relationship.

A more accurate statement I could not have made.

When we finally got together, Candice was not at all as she described, and look nothing like she did in the photo she emailed me. She looked more like Carnie Wilson after being locked in a chocolate factory for a week than she looked like the 'ex-stripper' in the photo she sent me. She went on to explain to me that she didn't want to miss out on the opportunity to meet me, because I seemed like such a nice person, someone that would understand why she did what she did, and someone who was capable of looking past her physical appearance.

She was wrong.

Monica

Bitter. Dejected. Almost defeated. I had been to the plate three times, and three times I had gone down on strikes. A lesser man would have hung his head in shame, and accepted the defeat. Not this man.

In a last ditch effort, and perhaps a pathetic one at that, I went searching on ICQ. My filtered search sought out anyone classified as a female in my general area. As you probably know, not many people are willing to put their real information into the ICQ program, so the pickings were rather slim. My shot in the dark effort was not in vain however, as my search eventually turned up an 18 year old named Monica, who was willing to chat with me.

Monica was a real techie chick, into the whole computer hardware scene. This seemed pretty cool actually, except it painted a rather ugly mental picture in my mind. I sent her a photo of myself and she was actually impressed enough to return the favor. To my delight, she was actually quite cute. She had several piercings, but they gave her this certain edge and I found myself very attracted to her.

She sent me a couple of emails with more photos of herself, but as you can imagine, I had become quite skeptical from my previous experiences. I told her what had happened to me, and she told me she had a way to prove to me that she was who she said she was. She set up a web cam for me, and I was able to watch live video of her, and this was enough to convince me that she was, at long last, the real deal.

In addition to her obvious physical beauty, Monica was really intelligent. Her emails were filled with intelligent ideas and deep thoughts. She had big plans for her future, and apparently was ready to make quite an impact on the world. She was also very rebellious. She mentioned on several occasions that her parents didn't understand her, and that she hated them. Monica told me that she felt much older and mature than 18, but that her parents weren't ready to deal with that simple fact.

We decided that it was time we met each other. She told me that she would love to get together and have some fun with me, but that she had no intentions of getting into a long term relationship at this stage in her life. This was great news for me, as a relationship was the last thing I was looking for.

The morning of our planned get together, I received an email from Monica stating that she had a change of heart, and that she couldn't go through with it.

Head hung between my legs, I finally gave up on my quest.

Monica

Bitter. Dejected. Almost defeated. I had been to the plate three times, and three times I had gone down on strikes. A lesser man would have hung his head in shame, and accepted the defeat. Not this man.

In a last ditch effort, and perhaps a pathetic one at that, I went searching on ICQ. My filtered search sought out anyone classified as a female in my general area. As you probably know, not many people are willing to put their real information into the ICQ program, so the pickings were rather slim. My shot in the dark effort was not in vain however, as my search eventually turned up an 18 year old named Monica, who was willing to chat with me.

Monica was a real techie chick, into the whole computer hardware scene. This seemed pretty cool actually, except it painted a rather ugly mental picture in my mind. I sent her a photo of myself and she was actually impressed enough to return the favor. To my delight, she was actually quite cute. She had several piercings, but they gave her this certain edge and I found myself very attracted to her.

She sent me a couple of emails with more photos of herself, but as you can imagine, I had become quite skeptical from my previous experiences. I told her what had happened to me, and she told me she had a way to prove to me that she was who she said she was. She set up a web cam for me, and I was able to watch live video of her, and this was enough to convince me that she was, at long last, the real deal.

In addition to her obvious physical beauty, Monica was really intelligent. Her emails were filled with intelligent ideas and deep thoughts. She had big plans for her future, and apparently was ready to make quite an impact on the world. She was also very rebellious. She mentioned on several occasions that her parents didn't understand her, and that she hated them. Monica told me that she felt much older and mature than 18, but that her parents weren't ready to deal with that simple fact.

We decided that it was time we met each other. She told me that she would love to get together and have some fun with me, but that she had no intentions of getting into a long term relationship at this stage in her life. This was great news for me, as a relationship was the last thing I was looking for.

The morning of our planned get together, I received an email from Monica stating that she had a change of heart, and that she couldn't go through with it.

Head hung between my legs, I finally gave up on my quest.