 Location location location, therein lies the rub. You see, the trick to getting laid, as it is in so many other cases, is Location. It's not who you approach, it is where you approach them. It is not where you run into them, it's where you go to get them. Past Digits have been a whirlwind tour through the psyche of the fairer sex, as we connived, convinced, and cajoled our way into their hearts (well actually, pants, but what of it?). Digits has pitted you in situations you probably find yourself in each and every day, and every time the spoils have been yours, Victor. But we're doing something a little different this time around. Instead of guiding you through your encounter with a chick so you can later find out if you can get her pants off, we are taking you right to a chick whose pants you can get off quicker than a teenage Mormon boy at a bukkake convention.
That's right folks, a pre-arranged encounter. Does it get any better than that? Hardly. Basically the gist is: less dialogue, more psychology. Not that Digits has been heretofore bereft of psychology, but you get the point. Yes men, today I am removing chance, and providing you with a sure thing. So go get your shoes, we're going to the mall! Now before we get to the 'hook' I need to quickly explain why the psychology behind this makes it a sure thing. While there are exceptions to every rule, there are three things that 95% of mall clothing store managers (AKA Mall Tramps) have in common: A. Lack of education
B. Poor family life, lack of positive influence
C. An overwhelming sense of rebellion combined with poor decision-making ability. A + B + C = tramp. Argue this if you want (and if you are a member of the 5% non-tramp club, good for you), but extensive field testing was employed in order to make such a bold theory valid. They like to drink, they like to party, and they hate to be tied down. They go for cheesy lines, and cheesier guys. They are fun while they last, but a terrible long term consideration. They defy logic, and resist telling the truth. They are easy, and you are ready. At least you will be, when you are done reading this. (Please note, it is highly advisable to stick to jean stores and smaller clothing stores within the mall. Larger stores such as the Gap are more likely to pay their employees reasonably fair wages, and therefore they are more likely to come bundled with intelligence, education and cunning. Three things you want to avoid.) Hook This time around, we go for broke. This deal is done quickly, as the Mall Tramp isn't going to wait around forever for you to make your move. Once you get to the mall, you want to seek out the clothing stores playing today's music loudly, that's where the babies are. Typically, the managers will work this sort of schedule: Monday and Tuesday: 10am - 5pm
Wednesday: off
Thursday and Friday: 12pm - Close
Saturday: Open to Close
Sunday: Off Before we continue, please note that all the information in this edition of Digits specifically refers to full-time employees. The managers are the easiest ones to spot, because they are carrying paperwork, directing others, and moving around the quickest. Plus, they probably look tired, featuring that 'I've been around the block 'cause I'm from the north end' face. That said, let us continue. The times you want to avoid coming in are the first and last hour of her shift (paper work) and peak business hours (evenings and any time after noon hour on Saturday). You want and need her attention, because even if she is an easy mark, she still needs to size you up. Make sure you go to a store where the selection is to your liking -- I highly encourage that you actually buy something while you are there. Normally I'd give you many options for an opener and then expand upon them in the Rush Forums, but in this case I'm only going to give you two options, because that is all you'll need: 1. Get her opinion  Seek out the girl you are after, and make sure she helps you find stuff. You can monopolize a great deal of her time by asking what she thinks of everything you try on, and it serves the dual purpose of making her serve you and showing her you respect her opinion (whether you do or not is besides the point):
"I'm not sure these colors go together very well... I'm just a dumb guy, what do you think?.. Oh no? What would you suggest then?" Fucking aces, mate. Not only are you taking up her time and regarding her opinion highly, but you are letting her dress you. And since she has control issues created by constant feelings of inadequacy during childhood, she already likes where she stands with you: "How does my bulge look in these jeans?" I said go for broke, not be an asshole. Give her a few hours to warm up to you first. Unless she either mentions your bulge in a positive manner or grabs it and adjusts it, at which point you can skip directly to Sinker. 2. Lead her These girls like to talk, so it's easy for you to get details about them. Find out where her and her slutty mall friends party. "I need a good shirt for the club tonight. I'm going with the boys cause I hear it's a crazy party. Have you and your friends been there/going there/going out tonight? Oh yeah? Where do you go?" This is the essential info gathering phase. Let her talk about where she goes, and if she sounds excited about going out, mentions drinking in volume even briefly, or talks about a scene being 'lame' then you've found your mark. If she plays herself up to look a homebody, she probably is, so fake an illness and get the hell out of there and find another store. Line  Promise her the world, deliver her a sausage. That is the game plan, and if you've gotten this far (you better have, this is shooting fish in a barrel), it's time to take it to the next level. What we have to do now is get her name, so that when you see her around, or when you come in the store again, you can make your move.
She might be wearing a name tag, but do not just read it and start calling her by her name. That is rather creepy, even for this dirty. Instead, do something cute and playful, point at her name tag and say: "Oh hey... [name here] eh? Drat, I forgot my name tag." Then simply extend your hand and introduce yourself. So fresh and so clean, see? Try to avoid asking her if she's ever stabbed herself in the tit with her name tag pin. Of course she has, she's a moron, remember? You know how you always hear chicks complaining about cheesy guys, and the cheesy lines they use? Well, go ahead and use them on this broad. I'm dead serious. Compliment her, tell her she looks good. She'll eat it up if you do it right. The key to 'doing it right' is to sling the shit, then leave it at that. Try not to ask her out two minutes after you tell her she should be a model. It's too obvious, even for Mall Tramp. Just walk out of the store and wait for your line to play back in her head a thousand times until the next time you meet. Your patience will serve you well, soldier. Alternatively, lets try a different way of getting her name. You found out what club she hangs out at? Make her an offer she cannot refuse: "Oh yeah, I go there sometimes. Tell you what, if I see you there I'll buy you a drink." A drink? A free drink? It's like holding a plate of cookies in front of Star Jones. But what is her damned name? "Oh wait a second. My mother told me not to buy drinks for strangers. What's your name?" Bam! Again, a loaded sentence with a dual purpose. You got her name, and she thinks you're a strapping bachelor who listens to his mommy. She can't wait to break you in. Finally, here is another tactic to use as your final 'in'. Find two pieces of clothing you like, but only buy one, and tell her you aren't sure about the other. Since you know her schedule, you know when to come back to get it. This gives you the opportunity to ask her out very shortly after you meet her. Try something like this while you are ringing up the second item on your return trip to Levi's 1850: "We've gotta stop meeting like this, it is getting expensive. I'd much rather spend my money on dinner. Care to join me?" (Make sure you've had a solid conversation with her again this time around before using this line.) She'll look down at her feet, smile, blush and give a little laugh. She was caught off guard yet impressed by your bold, no nonsense approach. Sky is blue. Grass is green. I am right. She is yours, stud. Sinker inlineAd(alRight); If the dinner line worked (53/47 odds in favor), then you've already got her number. If not, keep this in mind. You are going to sleep with Mall Tramp very shortly after scoring her number. As I mentioned at the start of this very special Digits, mall manager is like no other. Your end goal here isn't so much getting her number as it is getting in her pants. Now, when getting mall girl's number, I ask that you kindly think twice about your wording. This is no time to start playing yourself up as a nice guy, or an overly interested one. Once you're certain she will hand it over at your request, use a simple line like this: "Hey, let me grab your number and we'll hook up some time." Don't expect her to hand it right over, as she'll be mulling over the somewhat cocky nature of your request. Be persistent, and paint a vivid picture of the two of you enjoying each others company without sounding desperate. Again, this is shooting fish in a barrel. She likes your attitude, she likes being pursued, and she's just about ready to give it up: "No seriously, let's hook up some time. We can have some fun." The best part is, if she is a mall flake and is actually into relationships and commitment, you'll bring her out of hiding with this statement. She'll either be down for it, or she won't. Either way you can't lose cause you are either good to go, or wasting your time, and can then move on to the next store. As a final note, a word of caution. You've spent much of your pursuit trying on clothes, and I'm going to strongly suggest you try something else on before you tea bag Mall Tramp. Condoms. At least a couple of them. You think you are the only guy to discover this shore? You'd be lucky if you were the only one this week, bro. She is dirty, and she has accepted as her course in life. Now its up to you to sail the ocean pink. |
