“Throw your hands up in the air, it’s a stick-up…”
- Kelis

Wait. I thought this said “Digits” at the top. What the hell? Cyprian? Digits? There must be some mistake.

Welcome to the new American nightmare. Kyle is out in the world, living the glamour life while I'm stuck here to write about it. The torch has been passed. The mantle has been handed down. When Kyle retires in a few years becoming the new Hugh Hefner,’ maybe he'll let you know how to pick up Jennifer Aniston. Till that day, you'll have to deal with me telling you how to pick up the chick with braces serving you curly fries.

Or your bank teller. Those of you who are dumbfounded obviously are going to the wrong bank. There are plenty of twenty-somethings with no career goals, ambition, or college degrees that loiter aimlessly behind the green glass everyday, enchanted by the vast amounts of cash that pass through their soft, manicured hands.

Maybe you are, too. The way she mispronounces your name as she’s fumbling with your loan payment. Perhaps you are trying to bring that Bonnie & Clyde bank heist fantasy of yours to fruition. You've been casing the joint and you need someone on the inside. Someone sexy.

And whether or not you want to be co-defendants, you sure are ready to commit some crimes with this undercover slut. She knows how much money is in your bank account, how much you make, and where you live, but you've got to have her.

Hook

As the aforementioned con man you dream of being, you must do some scouting. You need to case the joint. If a particularly cute bank teller catches your eye, you need to take note and begin what will be a long campaign for the jackpot. Not long in the sense of “My money long now” (50 Cent), but in the sense that it will take a few visits for you to secure this vixen.

Why? Namely because as with many of the flirty women you've tried to pick up on your everyday adventures, you only have a few minutes to interact. With banking going digital in the past few years, they have more incentive to be polite to you as incentive for you to come in and physically do your banking, because as long as you're coming in, they have a purpose and therefore a job. So, just because they're smiling at you and asking about your weekend doesn't necessarily mean they want to hand you the key to their safety deposit box.

Make sure you have enough banking transactions to take care of to go to the bank a few times a month. You can go once a week and innocently seem like a “regular,” but you really don't want to go any more than every 4 days. Be presentable; don't go on a Saturday morning in a fisherman’s hat and a John Belushi “College” t-shirt. They have to look upstanding in their attire, so should you. Try to gauge the pattern of the line so that you land at her counter every time, but in the same vein, you may want to hit another line to switch it up, so she doesn't get the idea that you're aiming for her.

Lastly, some standard procedure. Check for a ring on the finger, and if you can stand at an angle to see their little personal station wall, check for pictures of a boyfriend. Also kids. The ring, not so likely; illegitimate kids, indeed very likely.

Line

I’ve studied a lot about the English language, and the media, and communication. Also, I charm women like a Tiffany’s salesman. One thing I can attest to is that the most common conversation topic is the weather, and it’s what people talk about when they have nothing else to say. So unless it is remarkably gorgeous outside after a period of nasty weather, or snow or maybe a hurricane is threatening to shut down shop, don’t bring up the weather. Be creative.

When she asks you how you’re doing, you should have something innovative to say. She’ll expect you to say you’re fine, or whatever other standard cookie-cutter answer you would normally spew. Actually answer her question, but make sure it’s relevant. And by relevant, I mean dealing with money. Make yourself sound successful and constantly mention financial acquisitions and purchases. Always embellish, and it’s ok to just blatantly make shit up.

See what I did there? Caught her attention and made her hip to the fact that I’m rich and stylish. Of course this isn’t true. Point is, you want to get her attention and simultaneously let her know you’re interested in actually holding a conversation with her. You can actually use that line as a joke and then segue into how you’d rather be out for a drive than in a stuffy office. She will relate.

Throw in a detail or two about your day at work or where you live, and this acts as bait. If she’s game, she’ll ask you where you work, what you do, etc., and where you live. You can reciprocate and build a decent conversation. Always say something non-standard as you leave, too. Throw her a “take care” or something.

The first encounter is basically an attempt to throw your face out there and possibly get stuck in her head. You’ll need to return on subsequent occasions, letting the conversation flourish. The next time you see her, give her a “heyyyy!” Seem as if you recognize her from before and it is fortuitous you’ve landed in her line again.