A great many random thoughts and questions have come to me in the past months in the schizophrenic limbo that is my world, and they all share a sort of loose (very loose) link:  they all concern issues of growing older, and of course sex.  Since there's no particular coherent order in all of this, I figured I'd write a FAQ; I'm getting good at those.

As always, there's a general disclaimer that you quite possibly might find inappropriate material for minors (or work) somewhere in this piece or linked off of it, so be careful.

What's the lowest age limit on a girl I can acceptably date without receiving social scorn?

This is perhaps the most important question I've been confronted with in the past several months, yet most men don't know the answer, despite its simplicity.  It follows a simple scientific equation backed by years of research:

y = ( x / 2 ) +7

Where:
x = your age
y = the lowest acceptable age of a girl you can date

To put it simply:  take your age, divide it by two, and add 7.  If your age is an odd number, you can round the result up or down, depending on how dirty you feel.  A couple of notes: this equation pretty much starts into play as soon as you reach, say the age of 13 and continues through your lifetime until you retire.  When you retire, the equation changes a little:

y = ( x / 5 ) +7

Where:
x = your age
y = the lowest acceptable age of a girl you can date

Note that once you retire, you can now divide your age by 5.  It's wonderful what the mysteries of science can teach man these days, isn't it?

What if I retire early, at say 45?

Plugging 45 into the general equation would yield 29 or 30 (depending on how dirty you feel); however, if you plug that number into the retirement equation, you come up with the number 16.  Now if we're to believe Ageofconsent.com, dating 16-year olds will get you into trouble in quite a few jurisdictions.  Of course the obvious answer is that if you're wealthy enough to retire at 45, you're probably wealthy enough to pay the legal fees to keep your ass out of jail.  This is just more proof that the rich can get away with anything.

Speaking of retirement, should I go for a Traditional or Roth IRA?

If you have no clue what an Individual Retirement Account (IRA) is, you should find out now.  I really have no idea what's right for you; however, I am a big fan of the guys over at The Motley Fool, and they have all sorts of information and advice to help you find the answer.  Remember, it's never too early to start planning for retirement (or all that 20-year old ass you could theoretically be shagging at age 65).

So I'm 65, just retired, and I want some 20-year old ass.  What do I do?

Well, if you started out right, you bought some nude calendar pictures of Marilyn Monroe back in the day and started a multi-million dollar publishing empire with them.  Chances are though, you're not Hugh Hefner, who's about 77 and happens to be dating buxom 20-year old sextuplets right now.  Also, chances are you're not a smooth secret agent like James Bond.  Even if you possessed these traits, the age of the sophisticated bachelor is over.  Playboy Enterprises is losing money; nobody's interested in that game anymore.  What are your options?  You need to be filthy rich, like the late oil billionaire, J. Howard Marshall II, who at something like 88 married Anna Nicole Smith.

Marilyn Monroe was hot wasn't she?

Yes, she was.

Wasn't she large though?

That's arguable.  According to Snopes.com, which evaluates urban legends, the fact that Marilyn Monroe wore a size 16 dress isn't exactly true.  Nevertheless, at "worst" estimate, she was a size 12 by today's standards.  So I did a little research (random searching on Google) and found the touching story of Carre Otis who was once (while somewhere between sizes 4 to 8) in the 2000 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition and for 15 minutes was perhaps the most famous supermodel in the world while doing some Guess and Calvin Klein ads in the early `90s.  Of course, she was basically anorexic for about 17 years, and eventually three holes were found in her heart... the heroin and cocaine probably didn't help.  So the story now, is that she's gained 30 pounds and is a size 12, herself.  I personally think she's more attractive now.  You too can follow in the steps of Sir Mix-A-Lot, former-President William Jefferson Clinton (Remember Monica?), or the aforementioned oil billionaire, and get yourself a girl in the Ginger Spice super-deluxe size range.

Anyways, back to Marilyn Monroe.  She's dead, and if I fantasize about her, isn't that necrophilia?

If you're fantasizing about her being dead and bloated, the answer is yes, and that's only widely accepted in New Orleans (more on this); otherwise, probably not.  In the slippery slope that is my sense of morality, we have to start with someone like Bettie Page.  Bettie Page has many admirers, and no doubt many people fantasize about her.  The truth is she's still alive and a grandmother in somewhere like North Dakota and most importantly OLD.  So it's only a step from being old to being dead, and that's not too bad.  There also seems to be a cult of people who are obsessed with dead porn stars.  I'm not sure where this qualifies, but it seems to be widely accepted.  Finally, how are we supposed to keep track of who we're fantasizing about and their mortality?  I could mix together pictures of living and dead models and you wouldn't be able to tell if they were alive or dead by how hot they are.

How about recently dead celebrities?  Is there an acceptable waiting period before fantasizing again?

I'm sure many people experienced this problem with Princess Di or Aaliyah died; do whatever you feel comfortable with, after all, it's not my problem.

Finally...  Is sexy forever?

You may run into women who believe "once sexy, always sexy".  The only person they ever seem to bring up to prove their point is Sofia Loren.  Granted, she was sexy for a long time, but have you seen her recently?  Those years are finally beginning to show.

Related on the web:

Since I'm on this morbid death kick, you might want to check out the web version of a popular game Dead or Canadian?  Don't want to fantasize about dead celebrities?  Keep track of their vital signs with the Who's Alive and Who's Dead? list.  Schoolgirls in a Graveyard.  A girl nude in a cemetery.  A funeral home from Rome showing girls modeling with coffins (check the links in the lower right hand corner).

Confused, disturbed, or just plain angry?

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