Tyrone is Ann Landers on acid. This email address is being protected from spam bots, you need Javascript enabled to view it with your problem or query and watch as he rips you a new anal cavity.

Dear Tyrone,

I am a 23 year old married female. My husband is constantly urging me to try various, and tasteless sexual positions. I am game to many of his ideas, as to keep our sex life spontaneous and fresh. One thing bothers me, though -- The Donkey Punch. I am not kin to violence in the bedroom, especially while performing sensually. My husband tells me it is his fantasy, but so far I have yet to try it. He also tells me not to think of it as a 'Donkey Punch', but more like a 'Kobe Bryant.' Please give me some advice.

Dear Cynical,

First of all, what the fuck where you thinking getting married at 23? Are you ugly? Fat? Daddy didn't hug you enough so you latched onto the first sucker you could find?

Bad form, bad form.

On that note, you should not be surprised that the moron you married wants to donkey punch your stupid ass because:

1) He's a loser in your same shoes who didn't want the only girl he's ever touched to slip away.

And

2) He's probably just trying to knock some damn sense into that thick skull of yours.

I tell you what, though. You sound like you really need help. Try to compromise. Tell him he can donkey punch you if he lets you use his balls as a sparring bag. See how excited he is then.

Ok, seriously. This is a compromise that will make you both happy. Let him try it once, and then afterwards, he'll probably feel like a dick, or at least pretty awkward, (especially if you cry) and won't want to do it again. Then, he'll have the fantasy satisfied and you'll have peace of mind.

From now on all women should send in pics with their letters. Unless they are wilder beasts.

- Tyrone

"Free Kobe"

Dear Tyrone,

I am a 28-year-old woman currently under house arrest for sedition, and my assigned officer, "Bill," keeps giving me these looks. I am sure that he feels the same way about me that I feel about him, but I am not sure of what to say. Also, he is cute and all, but he keeps scratching his crotch and it really annoys me.

Thanks,
"Home Alone"

“Home Alone,”

Sedition? Are you fucking kidding me? I'm not sure I want to help you out, you damn terrorist.

This sounds like a great idea for a porno.

Anyhow, he wants you, that is, if you're hot or desirable in any way. He's probably not really scoring too much judging from his job description; you're probably the best of what's left.

That being said, if he's scratching his crotch, he's obviously trying to tell you he's got an itch he wants you to scratch. And if you happen to be cuffed while he's doing his duties, well, then you'll just have to...

disinfect him with special shampoo if he's really got the crabs or lice or something.

I imagine a single woman pushing 30 on house arrest for near-treason can't have the best hygiene either, so invest in some Summer's Eve and stop calling the kettle black.

If it doesn't work out, there's always the "write-a-prisoner" program, although I don't know if your situation will help your odds or hinder them.

- Tyrone