Tyrone is Ann Landers on acid. This email address is being protected from spam bots, you need Javascript enabled to view it with your problem or query and watch as he rips you a new anal cavity.

Dear Tyrone,

Lately, I have been curious about an encounter with the same sex. I am an early twenty-something male at a major American University, and each woman I have dated recently has had some major flaw.

There is an openly gay professor at my University that I have just begun to fantasize about. The fantasies began as simple dreams, and developed into a crush of sorts. I am not sure about how to approach my situation, so please help.

Dear Gaybe,

No worries. Even though you are considering the fact that you may be a fagler, I have proof that you are not.

I see two things happening here.

1) Your single mom wished you were a girl so she made you watch a lot of Jem! as a kid and bought you a Strawberry Shortcake quick-bake oven.

2) The girls you date don't give you blowjobs.

This is a simple textbook scenario. Your girls aren't taking care of you. All you want is head. Why? 'Cause you're a guy. And a red-blooded American.

You're not getting your pole waxed and you've become embittered in the ennui of snobbish women. You've heard homos have it made with a sexual liberty reminiscent of the free love generation. So, you think that you have a better chance scoring deep throat from a dude whose number you got from a bathroom stall than the chick who calls you every day and your mom hates.

First of all, not all gays are sexually promiscuous and horny 24-7. That's a misnomer to put it lightly.

Second of all, get blowjobs. Handle your business. No need to sign a contract with the other team just because you're not getting the good plays. Stand up to your coaches. Or find some new players and call in the "special teams."

As far as that weak shit about finding flaws in women, what do you expect? You've got flaws too, Jerry Lewis. Are you really concerned with finding someone "perfect" for you? Seriously, there are better things to worry about right now. Like Fantasy Football leagues. And blowjobs.

Get to work.

Oh yeah, sleeping with your professor doesn't always get you the A. Watch The Life of David Gale and you'll understand.

- Tyrone

Dear Tyrone?

Wow, that's a weird name. Anyways, my boyfriend is 2 years older than me, and I just turned 18. He's always pressuring me into giving up my virginity. He said he'd wait for me until I was ready, but I've always wanted to wait until I'm married. What should I do? Should I give him what he wants?

- Anxious in Austin

Dear Nervous,

Yeah, what a great fucking way to start out. Diss my name. At least my parents didn't name me after a sign of weakness. Bitch.

Do you really expect me to help you? And are you telling me he's 20? You call me out and then expect me to do math? You have any idea how much Wild Turkey I had before reading this letter? I'm not doing your math!

Well, I will. Only because I feel sorry for you.

You're also at a disadvantage because I'm a masculinist. So, my instinctual reaction is of course, give him the sweet goodness of your loins.

In reality, that is not the best answer for you to hear. Honestly, this situation may turn out badly. If you do not want to take it to that next level and you do it just because you think you love him or whatever bullshit you sell yourself on, you will no doubt end up regretting it. You will have all types of issues stemming from this and you will end up in a trailer.

Sexuality is one of those things that a couple really needs to be in sync on for it to last. I know he may care about you, and he is trying to respect you, but if you're not selling what he wants to buy, he will be very frustrated, and the pressure will only mount. He will probably become not-so-nice in record time, and it's not out of the question that he’ll look for "it" behind your back. Also, it will be aggravating for you to have to deal with his constant propositioning and whining.

If you really like him, see where it goes, but I really think there is going to be a rocky future. You will be better off with someone your own age who shares your values. The less friction, the better.

- Tyrone