Chaser Dating Panel

This is our dating advice panel. The concept is simple: a panel of well-qualified experts answers your insipid questions about dating and romance. Commence.

Jennifer Allen is the proprietor, designer and star of her personal web cam site, www.pleaselookatme.com.

Dr. Judith Greenberg is an author, lecturer, historian, activist and Professor Emeritus at Brown University. She is best known for such works as Marriage: the Ubiquitous Genocide, and Male-Dominated History: the New Apocrypha.

Eugene Collins is a Cisco-Certified Network Engineer. In his spare time he enjoys gaming, fantasy fiction and contemplating the comparative merits of Gygax and Tolkien.

Marty Grant is a high school junior living in Orange County, California. He possesses a 5th grade education.

1."My girlfriend has mostly guy friends and she still keeps in touch with a few of her ex-boyfriends. I don't want to be a jealous cave man, but it really sort of bothers me seeing them together and laughing and being flirty. What should I do?"

Jennifer Allen: A jealous cave man!!! Awwww, you're so cute!!!!! LOL! Don't worry, she's just flirting and it's just the nature of grrlz to wanna get a little attention!!! hehehe! Besides, maybe her ex's give her awesome presents and take her out and stuff. I know that if my man was super cheap and all, and other guys were treating me better, how could I be mean to them? hehe! Get with the program and start treating her like a princess and maybe she will pay more attention to you! LOL!! :)

Dr. Greenberg: Whether you want to be a cave man or not is immaterial. You already are one and I imagine you always will be. The implication that your girlfriend is some voracious sexual fiend incapable of fidelity would be more properly directed at the mirror. She is clearly an independent, strong-willed woman and you cannot accept that. Do not allow your own insecurities to retard her inexorable march towards womanhood.

Eugene Collins: It must be wonderful to have a girlfriend.

Marty Grant: Holy shit d00d, this is unreal! You got yourself a hoe, fuck that shit… have you banged her hardcore yet???

I knew it, br0! You're the fuckin' man now dawg. When are ya gonna bring her and her friends over to my crib so we can get 'em drunk and splurge all over them like 10 times???

Fuck em till their dry then let em go. That's what I always sez.

Kyle Skinner: You know what, people? From now on, if you are going to write to us, bitching and moaning, include your age. This sounds like high school shit to me, get with the fucking program.

Human beings are incapable of going from lovers/boyfriends/whateverthefuck to friends, it just doesn't happen. I'm going to assume that you are a good boyfriend and that your girl is just an attention-whore bitch.

What is an X? It's scratching something out. Eliminating it. So why are her ex's still in the picture? Clue in dipshit, and stop whining. She is playing you, and either you dump this broad or play her game. Put your arm around a couple of her friends. Stop having so much time for her. Don't return a call or six. She'll either wise up really quick, or she'll end it. Either way you are set.

Don't go acting like a jealous retard. That will just give the other guys more ammunition to work with when it comes to manipulating your chick. It's so easy to paint you out to be an asshole and convince her why she should have their balls in her mouth instead of yours. Believe me.

2."My girl has a great body, but she insists on wearing baggy old clothes and doing her best to look like hell. I take the time to look decent. Why shouldn't she? I'm starting to take it personally.

Jennifer Allen: OMG! There is this girl who thinks she is hot at my school and stuff, and she is sooooo not hot! She like wears all black even in summer and wears black lipstick and totally dresses like she wants to purposely turn off guys! LOL! :) Anywayz, my crew and I are usually totally nice, but in this case this girl needed a total wake-up call. hahaha! So even though we like, totally think she is gross, we acted all nice to her and decided she'd be like our little project. We were totally inspired by the movie Clueless (OMG That is totally my favorite movie!!! The DVD is listed on my wishlist too!!!) We told her that she would look sooooooo cute and awesome in Juicy Couture and that my friend Angie works at Wet Seal and could get her this totally cool discount if she wanted! It totally worked and even though we couldn't get her to stop wearing all that stupid gothy crap, she did get some hotter stuff and Adam Fox (LOL - he is a fox!) totally groped her when we were all partying in the 7-11 parking lot last weekend! So awesome. If you want your girl to dress better and look hot, you gotta be nice to her while you take her shopping for new clothes! Being all mean about it won't make her wanna look hot for you, hehe. And most importantly, don't be shy about using that old credit card when you go shopping and she will LOVE YOU!!!! ;)

Marty Grant: Oh man, fuck that… lets see some titties!

Dr. Greenberg: I'm disgusted by the ossified and pervasive patriarchy allowing you to express such archaic attitudes. Your protests are less about mutual pride in appearance than they are about the obtuse misogynist concept of male ownership over the sexual rights to and inherent beauty of the female body.

My advice to you is to enroll in a gender sensitivity course, where you can be educated on the attendant horrors of institutionalized oppression.

Eugene Collins: You should be happy that she covers up her body. What do you gain from her dressing sexy in public? What if another man takes a fancy to her? What if he's larger and better-looking than you? I bet he is. He always is.

Also sometimes a guy will see a hot girl in public then go home and… you know. I've never done it personally but I've heard stuff, especially when girls wear mini skirts with bare midriffs and those shoes. Do you want your girlfriend to be a part of that?

Kyle Skinner: Decide what you want. A good girl? A slut? Somewhere in between? Did she dress like this when you first hooked up? If so, why did you hook up with her? Does she have a body issue? Did you give her that issue? Is she sexier in private? Will you start smashing beer bottles over guys' heads once she starts dressing like a woman at the bars? Fuck man, answer those questions first, then talk to me.

See that bulky turtle neck on that Bull-Dyke waxing poetic about 'pervasive patriarchy' on the other side of the panel? Well it's concealing a delicious set of natural 34 D's. How do I know this? Cause I stuck my dick between them after I pretended to be an environmentalist at a University Rally. They're all the same, bro. All the same.

3. "I have a crush on this girl I met online, she wants to meet me and I'm afraid that she won't be attracted to me once she sees me in person. Should I meet her? Should I change my name and hide? Should I spend money on emergency cosmetic surgery?"

Jennifer Allen: Well, I get sooooooooooo much fanmail and I have so many wonderful online friends, it would be impossible to hit it off in person with everyone. But I still love them all!!! You see, even if I am not attracted to a guy, I still want to be his friend, and I still want him to email me and keep my webcam bookmarked. OMG!! All my online friends are sooooo generous and loving towards me, I simply couldn't live without them!!!! Don't worry about whether or not she is attracted to you, even if you meet her and she isn't into you, just keep being there for her and you will continue to be rewarded with her friendship!!!! Good Luck Sweetie!!!! :)

Marty Grant: I dunno man, do I look ghey to you? Fuck no, bizotch!

I've never met you and I know you're ugly… better that she just comes and gets a piece of my massive action. You've been dealth with!

Dr. Greenberg: Now that the shoe is on the other foot and a woman is judging every detail of your physical appearance, do you feel a growing chasm where your dignity once resided? I suggest you relate this feeling of inadequacy to the cro magnon who asked question number two. You can help each other.

Kyle Skinner: She won't be attracted to you?

Eugene Collins: Save yourself heartache and just forget about this girl. She seems great and nice now but just wait. First she'll tease you by being so beautiful and being willing to talk to you. She'll drop obvious signals that she's interested in you, like talking to you or giving you a link to her webcam. But when you suddenly reveal that you want to spend the rest of your life with her she'll do a 180 and act as if you're some sort of stalker.

Fuck you Jennifer. I go to sleep every night wanting to kill you.