This is our dating advice panel. The concept is simple: a panel of well-qualified experts answers your insipid questions about dating and romance. Commence.

Jennifer Allen is the proprietor, designer and star of her personal web cam site, www.pleaselookatme.com.

Dr. Judith Greenberg is an author, lecturer, historian, activist and Professor Emeritus at Brown University. She is best known for such works as Marriage: the Ubiquitous Genocide, and Male-Dominated History: the New Apocrypha.

Eugene Collins is a Cisco-Certified Network Engineer. In his spare time he enjoys gaming, fantasy fiction and contemplating the comparative merits of Gygax and Tolkien.

Marty Grant is a high school junior living in Orange County, California. He possesses a 5th grade education.

1.I feel that my penis is too small to satisfy a woman. I'm an ok looking guy, maybe a six or a seven. But my insecurity is keeping me from approaching women or having confidence with them. I saw an infomercial on television for a pill that could make it grow up to 20%. Should I get that? Why is my penis so small?

Eugene Collins: I as well often ponder the ramifications of my small penis and its woeful inadequacy. Sometimes while I'm masturbating I wonder if could even keep a woman awake without paying her. I get so depressed I'm forced to stop masturbating. Then I cry.

Dr. Greenberg: Your irrational obsession over penis size is nothing but an extension of your desire to assert the preeminence of male sexuality.

Couching your query in the context of female satisfaction is a transparent attempt to obfuscate the all too typical male-centric view that the sexual act is all about the phallus, its pleasure and its performance.

Jennifer Adams: Well, you know it's ok to have a small wiener, haven't you heard it's all about the motion of the ocean and not the size of the ship that matters? LOL!!!! ;)

Don't waste your money on pills!!!!!! Buy some flowers and take a girl out to dinner and maybe she won't notice your penis as much?!?!

Kyle: First of all, don't buy the pills, or any pills that claim to make your penis bigger. Or vacuum tubes, etc. etc. None of this crap works, just ask David Arquette.

Anyhow, exactly how small is your penis? Remember a couple of things. Average length is about 5.4 inches (or about 11 inches if you include rush staff members). Most women will remember a thick penis before they remember a long one. How are you in that department? Don't forget that you have an aerial view, which makes it seem smaller as well, in your eyes. Trim back the hair at the base of your unit. That will make your sword look mightier as well.

If none of that makes you feel better, and you are convinced that you do in fact have a woefully small dick, you are probably right. It is pathetic. Just don't ever forget that your penis is small because your parents don't love you.

Marty Grant: You have a small dick dude. I'm so glad I don't have that problem.

2.I recently received over four hundred dollars in cash for my sixteenth birthday. How do I go about hiring a prostitute? Is it ok to bring her back to my parents' house?

Eugene Collins: Internet directories are a good place to start. Brothels and massage parlors are user friendly and comparatively low risk. Whatever you do, don't pick one up off the corner. She's probably a cop and if she isn't you're sure to catch something.

And no, don't bring her home. Are you insane?

Dr. Greenberg: Though I applaud women for asserting economic rights over their sexuality through the practice of prostitution, your patronage of said service is an indictment of your entire misbegotten race of sperm dispensing troglodytes.

Jennifer Adams: Oh gross! Prostitutes are SO NASTY!!!!! There are LOTS of things you can do with that much cash, spend some time with someone cute and not get a gross STD! Just let the cute girls in your school know that you have all this cash and want to have a party and I bet they'll be interested. Pick the cutest and most flirty girl and show her a good time but DO NOT touch her even if she flirts with you cuz that is really wrong and totally creepy. In fact, you should be glad that she is even being seen in public with you! Just enjoy basking in the glow of her presence, I am sure it will be a night that you will treasure forever!

Kyle: There are three ways for you to find a prostitute.

1.Consult your yellowpages under the term 'escorts'
2.Ask any NHL player, they love hookers.
3.Go to a local nightclub. Pretend to have a lot of money. Throw it around at the bar. Aim your stares at the chicks that look like they spent three days getting ready. Be warned however, that this may end up costing your more than a 'real' hooker.

3.I am a straight male, in my early 20's and I just want to say for the record that I love women. I adore women. I want to date ONLY women. The problem is that I also love to wear women's panties and silky lingerie. I have started to date this great girl and I feel like she may be The One. When do I tell her about my secret?

Eugene Collins: You should take this opportunity to practice the all-important art of hiding things from your significant other. Your transvestitism is just one of a whole host of flaws that, if revealed will spell the doom of this relationship.

Dr. Greenberg: It's a simple matter of psychoanalysis. The tendency of the male ego to over extend itself, coupled with the inherently pusillanimous nature of the gender creates a cognitive dissonance pitting this fabricated outward self against the reality of its emasculated core.

Like many men you feel obligated to perpetuate the fallacy of the über-male, but realize that in doing so you are a fraud.

Some are able to maintain this façade for public consumption but behind closed doors feel compelled to acquire the trappings of what they perceive to be the submissive sex in an effort to overcompensate. Embracing the "feminine" aspects of your character will obviate your need to wear women's undergarments.

Jennifer Adams: Well, can I just say one thing... EW!!!!!!!!! Lingerie are for girls! You should be buying this for her and not for yourself, OMG I am going to puke.

Kyle: I don't think you are gay either. I think you wish you were a woman so that you could get nailed by men, which would actually make you straight. Just gender reversal, that's all. Seriously though. You imagine a big strong man sliding your little panties off your silky shaven legs, unclasping your bra with the skill of James Bond, and riding you until the sun goes down, then comes back up, repeat. There is something wrong with you for certain, but I'm in no position to speculate.

We have several staff members that like to sniff women's panties, but none that I know of that wear them. We don't allow female staffers to wear underwear.