Janson: Ever since the Rebellion blew up the Death Star, you've been laying low and you seem kind of depressed. I think you should get out more and meet people. By the way, I know the perfect guy for you and I want you to meet him. His name is Wedge.

Me: Wedge? Wedge of what?

Little did I know what I was getting into. Once again, I agreed to be set up on a blind date. Why I keep agreeing to these things, I will never know. But Janson sold me on this Corellian named Wedge Antilles who is apparently a semi-famous pilot and flew with Luke Skywalker. He had been on a few important missions for the Rebellion and was well liked by most of the other pilots. Janson was able to supply me with some images of Wedge and I liked what I saw, plus I had nothing else better to do while I was spending some time on Tatooine.

In the realm of male fantasies, there exist many subsets that quite honestly defy logic and are beyond rational explanation. At least to women, anyway. Most of us have at one time or another heard a woman ask, "What is the big deal about boobs, anyways? Everybody's got 'em." Or the immutable classic, "What's the big deal about watching girls make out? Why does that turn you on?" Also equally timeless are the questions about why we masturbate so much and how we can stand to watch so much porn.

One function consistent with this group, albeit possibly a lot less prevalent, is the topic of buttsex. Guys are always talking about "putting it in her butt," or as I prefer, "putting it in her dumper." [editor's note: pump her in the dumper?!?] And whenever someone says it, yeah I laugh, and respond in a deep voice something to the effect of "hell yeah!" But, alas, I have no idea why. See, as much as I will enthusiastically say, "Oh man! She needs it! Right in the ass!" as a hot young bird walks by, or something not unlike "Holy crap, I want to put it in her butthole," I actually have no intention of administering to her the buttsex. There are several other places I can give it to her how she needs it, which from my experience provide me enough satisfaction that I would never wander to the one-way street called sodomy.

Okay, so if you haven't bought THE GIFT yet, you truly have my deepest sympathies as even this article won't help to make up for the fact that you are going to be one of those unfortunate fools wandering the malls aimlessly this weekend. I hate to crush your hopes as I'm just beginning this little ditty, but I'm not going to be of much service, except to warn against those things not to get her in a last minute rush to 'put something under her tree' (no...that kind of gift won't do either boys).

I will admit to being a little stereotypical here in stating that I do believe that most (but not all!) men wait until the last minute to run out and fetch that gift for the girlfriend or wife on their list. I'm not sure why you subject yourselves to this sort of torment, except for the fact that you're completely baffled as to what to give that special female in your lives.

The Don't Ask, Don't Tell Policy

The best gift I ever received came from a guy who truly surprised me with his memory. Six months prior we were strolling through a museum when I was awe struck by this beautiful painting. At Christmas I opened my gift to find a small print of the same scene that had captured me all those months prior. Most women want you to know what they want without them telling you. Yes, it's another one of those little games we play. We don't want you to ask us "So what do you want this year?"! We want you to know us well enough to pick up on the hints without being told. At this point, you have very little time to pick up on those hints, but if you think back perhaps to a recent stroll through the mall or window shopping excursion, I'm sure you'll be able to recall one or two items she wishes she had. Having said that, just make sure that you pick up on the right hints (see next item).

Welcome to the wonderful world of cyber dating. You've dropped your coin into that slot, given that handle a good pull, and now you're standing in front of the ominous machine mouth agape waiting for lady luck to yield her prize. Whether you've decided to post an ad yourself, or are yourself searching through the plethora of ads out there, there are a few things you need to know in order to develop a relationship through such unconventional means as these.

As wonderful as it is, this forum is but a blank page just itching for you to step beyond the limb a little and proclaim yourself a Chippendale's dancer, Prince Charming, or any other facade you'd like to mask yourself in when seeking to impress the opposite sex. Some key advice here, there's no way she'll buy into it anyway, so why not just play up your "truly" good points. Keep in mind that she's also liable to indulge in such bouts of fantasy, and more than likely, she's not a Christy Turlington look-a-like either.

You must listen to this: remember Boba Fett? We met him at the Mos Espo Grand Arena and you said that it was too bad he was wearing so much metal, because he probably had a nice ass? That's the one.

I went back to Mos Espo, because we were invited to sit in one of the guest boxes, and I saw him pass through the crowd. I ran down and managed to intercept him and pretend as if he had tripped me. At first, I thought he was just going to walk away and leave me there, but instead he put out his hand and helped me to my feet. There was something incredibly alluring about all that... metal. I figured I had to act fast, because I wanted him to know exactly what my intention was, so as I stood up, I leaned forward and whispered in his ear that I found him very attractive. That was all, but later on when I was at the box, a droid was sent to me with a message. Boba Fett told me to meet him in the bar as soon as the first race was over! That gave me just enough time to take down my hair.

He was waiting for me when I arrived, sitting in the corner all menacing and shiny. I noticed him immediately even though it took some time for my eyes to adjust to the darkness of the bar. He makes 4-LOM look like a salvage droid! Mama always said to stay away from bounty hunters, but I've never really had one before, and I figure since I rarely am allowed out on my own, and since bounty hunters are always coming and going, it was my only chance to be with someone like Boba Fett alone.