In the realm of male fantasies, there exist many subsets that quite honestly defy logic and are beyond rational explanation. At least to women, anyway. Most of us have at one time or another heard a woman ask, "What is the big deal about boobs, anyways? Everybody's got 'em." Or the immutable classic, "What's the big deal about watching girls make out? Why does that turn you on?" Also equally timeless are the questions about why we masturbate so much and how we can stand to watch so much porn.

One function consistent with this group, albeit possibly a lot less prevalent, is the topic of buttsex. Guys are always talking about "putting it in her butt," or as I prefer, "putting it in her dumper." [editor's note: pump her in the dumper?!?] And whenever someone says it, yeah I laugh, and respond in a deep voice something to the effect of "hell yeah!" But, alas, I have no idea why. See, as much as I will enthusiastically say, "Oh man! She needs it! Right in the ass!" as a hot young bird walks by, or something not unlike "Holy crap, I want to put it in her butthole," I actually have no intention of administering to her the buttsex. There are several other places I can give it to her how she needs it, which from my experience provide me enough satisfaction that I would never wander to the one-way street called sodomy.

I'm not sure why this is. I mean, there have been many times I've been with a bunch of the bro's, drinking some beers, and made buttsex comments that led to a roundtable "truth-or dare"-esque discussion of anal penetration. So even though I might say, "Hold on a minute, she can't survive without a fat dick in her ass," if someone were to then ask me if I would ever actually put it in a chick's poop-chute, my immediate response would be (insert deep voice again) "Hell no!"

Also, a funny phenomenon is this: a substantial proportion of the male population seems to enjoy talking about buttsex, and, this is the best part, ACTUALLY LIKE IT; and yet, this same population of males also seems to enjoy making gay jokes and looking down upon homosexuals. Hmmm, I find it very interesting that guys can make fun of dudes who give it to each other in the butt, and then turn around and rant about how badly they want to give it girls in the turd-cutter. That doesn't make sense to me; if you want to drive it into a girl's bottom, then you can't turn right around and be a gay-basher. Doesn't work.

I don't get it. Like I said, I have no intention of ever pounding away at a woman's asshole. I don't see what the enjoyment would be, and although I may joke about it on occasion, I wouldn't ever want to try it. I have no idea what the fascination is. Basically, to me it's the same as having sex with another dude, and hey, if you're gay, whatever, to each his own, but I'm straight. I'm all about hittin' it from the back, but not hittin' it IN the back, you know what I mean?

Some guys say it feels better, because it's so much tighter that way. Wow. Well, again, yeah, um, I suppose it would feel the same way as a dude's butthole, and that makes me want to stop talking about this topic right this very second, young man. Anyway, even so, as tight as it may be, from what they tell me, it takes a lot of lubing and, ahem, preparation, to allow entry. That to me doesn't even sound appealing; it's too much of a process. Plus, it's in her butt. I mean honestly, think about it. Why even mess with that when you can just…

That by the way is my argument, that having buttsex with a girl is no different from gay sex, and shouldn't really appeal to straight men. I think that dudes who fantasize about becoming assmasters have some unresolved issues, and might just be trying to prolong their stay at Hotel Closet.

What I think it's really all about, is control. Submission. If a girl lets a dude plug it in her ass, then basically the guy feels that the she will let him do anything. He feels that now she is his and he has complete control of her. He can make her submit even to the fiendish act of ripping apart her rectum, which will inevitably leave her sore and walking funny, with a propensity to shit in clumps. This power of making the female submit to his every ravenous desire is not only exciting and enticing, but also another word that starts with "e," emotionally addictive (ok, so it was a phrase, not a word, per se).

You know what though, I think that even if I wanted a girl to be my complete (sex) slave, that I wouldn't ever really need to put it in her butt. Maybe I would ask her if she would do anything for me, and if so, if she would do that, and that would be good enough for me. I mean I really don't need butthole. I'm not in prison. There are other options. When I'm having my way with a woman, I'll keep it "au naturel," thanks.