Yesterday my girlfriend picked up a computer her parents replaced after only two years of basic use. The reasons for the upgrade were mostly untenable. The system doesn't seem to be outdated. Money could have been saved. Only my girlfriend and the economy stand to benefit. But then, I suppose that's a good thing.

The computer came home with us and revealed itself to be a rather buggy piece of equipment. Programs wouldn't run or install, drivers were missing. It quickly became apparent that some unpleasantness loomed on the horizon. Being the fool least afflicted with computer illiteracy, the charge fell to me to address the matter. But instead of dealing with it, I went to sleep.

Today I awoke, a dread chill stagnating in my bones, painfully cognizant of the likely order of events destined to play themselves out during the day.

8:00 am
-Aware of the task ahead of me, I quickly sit down at my own computer to check my fantasy football teams, trade offers and the results of an open list draft I was cajoled into. Faulk, Dillon and Martin. Excellent.

8:10 am
-I confront the beast. Its name tag reads, Gateway. Repeating the folly of the previous night I attempt to install a few programs the computer had trouble with. Each runs into a unique error I can't possibly describe or understand. I reboot. Now the US Robotics modem demands drivers from a diskette I don't have. Acceptable. Drivers can be found online.

8:20 am
-A Gateway reinstall cd. Could this be the solution? The minor bugs are pervasive and persistent, but beyond my diagnostic abilities. I am incapable of determining what is wrong, only that something is. The directions say to reboot with said cd inserted, and a menu to reinstall Windows will appear. Instead, Windows simply starts. Perhaps using the dvd rom and not the cd rom drive will work. No. Failure. Folly.

8:30 am
-As would a rat in a psychology experiment I repeat the same actions, hoping for different results. Except that rats learn from their mistakes. How humiliating.

8:45 am
-Sensing the inevitability of it I restart in DOS. Like a war-torn African state there are no sign posts in DOS. If one does not know the way by memory, one does not know the way. I fumble about, changing and looking through directories, comprehending and accomplishing nothing. Fearing mercenaries and brigands I leave. The horror.

8:50 am
-Reboot. The Windows chime and Pavlovian response principle compel me to attempt all installs once again.

9:10 am
-Still somewhat confident in my ability to handle the situation, I lose patience with Windows and play my ultimate trump card, format c:

If the so-called Gateway reinstall CD refuses to load, I will start clean with the boot floppy and install Windows.

9:25 am
-Format is complete. Reboot. System should attempt boot using dvd rom then floppy.

A prompt appears asking whether I want to boot with the hard drive or the dvd. I choose the dvd. The Gateway setup cd is inserted and everything is moving according to plan.

Oh yes, the best laid plans…

Error message: insufficient memory. I am kicked back to a:/ drive. Pavlovian response demands that I look through the boot disk. Seems to contain the requisite basics- autoexec.bat, etc.

9:30 am
-Undaunted, I reattempt boot sans cd, then sans boot disk. Each time, the insufficient memory error appears.

9:35 am
-The slumbering rage within begins to stir. This will be a day long endeavor.

9:37 am
-Full on frustration sets in. I take a bath. That usually helps me think. Not this time.

10:00 am
-Panic. I am out of my element now, and my one page book of answers has been exhausted twice over. The user manual offers vague, perfunctory instructions which appear inapplicable. Why did I format the hard drive? What foul idiocy have I acted upon?

10:10 am
-I collect myself and decide upon the best course of action- get help. But who?

Alec.

His Eastern European efficiency will crush the problem underfoot. He is one sharp fellow. We have the same SAT score, his math/verbal inverted. No wait. We have the exact same distribution. I am doomed. Why must I be an idiot? Hopefully he has means beyond our similarly circumscribed aptitudes.

10:45 am
-Alec has responded to my first email but I am still waiting for the more substantive second reply. While he lets me twist in the wind I play some Madden 2003.

12:30 pm
-Jesse sends me an email about his desire for Rush to become the new Vanity Fair. I want to tell him that gays read that magazine but that might further convince him that I'm gay.

As far as I know he won't be able to help me with the computer problem. But I give it a try anyway.

12:58 pm
-Hope! He responds to my query about his computer literacy positively. I can yet be saved.

1:30 pm
-Jesse does know what he is doing and it becomes clear that I never did. After several inexplicable orders it appears that he has diagnosed the problem correctly.

I am still lost.

2:10 pm
-He prompts me to open the tower and I comply. The dust which plumes up is unbearable. I grab what I think is the canned air duster. Instead I grabbed some WD-40. It's good that I noticed.

2:15 pm
-Daniela Hantuchova has to be the ugliest woman on Earth. Just the realization that there are people walking this planet who find her attractive is a crime against humanity. She's so ugly that people who disagree have to be shot.

I would turn homosexual before sleeping with her. That's not just ugly. That's a new order of ugly.

She's in a class of her own. Oh, Whoopi Goldberg is there too.

2:54 pm
-The machine does not recognize the hard drive. Grand.

3:18 pm
-Hope's crashing. This computer was working somewhat well yesterday. What is the problem?

3:39 pm
-Back and forth, format disk, create dos partitions. I don't even know what I'm doing.

3:40 pm
-God hates me and I hate him.

3:56 pm
-I usually name my main computer HAL. I decided to name this one 'Shallow Hal'. Jesse says the problem is probably with virtual memory.

4:00 pm
-Still no answer. Not approaching an answer. Football is on soon.

4:03 pm
-Jesse has given up and tells me to check newsgroups. The death knell. Still no response from Alec.

4:10 pm
-Ah, the crush of defeat. It is most certainly the end for me. Off to the Gateway outlet to burn money.

4:23 pm
-Just for the hell of it I use the Windows 98 CD instead of the Gateway startup cd.

Wouldn't you fucking know it. THAT WAS THE FUCKING PROBLEM.

4:45 pm
-Success. Windows appears reinstalled fully and the minor kinks have gone by the wayside. I am both euphoric and drained.

Time to kill myself.

Perhaps… after football.