Paris Hilton

 n these troubling times in America’s timeline, we need a leader to rally the people, motivate the masses. We need someone we can stand behind, someone we can trust, someone who won’t let us down. We need someone who can see and operate in the dark. We need someone who can appeal to Wall Street and the upper class as well as milk cows with the commoners. We need Paris…the woman, the city, the legend.

Coming from red-blooded financial royalty, notorious as a socialite, Paris can reap the backing, financial and political, of big business and the upper crust. Her poise and elegance will sooth the fears of an anxious public, shrinking in fear of the Patriot Act. Working with real American heroes on the frontlines of the farming industry on her reality show, “The Simple Life,” she has proven that when it’s time to get down deep in the crud, she’s the first one on her knees. And she will no doubt be a favorite among minorities, as she is a hot skinny white girl with blonde hair.

Paris Hilton for President

Vitals

Race: Caucasian
Age: 22
Height: Follow link for sex tape here!
Political Party: Libertarian Party

Positive Rating: 86%

- Asian: 24%
- Black: 77%
- Caucasian: 97%
- Hispanic: 45%
- Men: 98%
- Women: 26%
- Under 30: 83%
- 30 to 50: 89%
- Over 50: 78%

Top Five Donors:

- Hilton Corporation: $8,000,000
- www.paris-sex-tape.com: $2,500,000 (Paypal)

Endorsements:

- Martha Stewart
- Lisa Kudrow
- The cast of “Sex and the City”
- Jay-Z
- Bill Clinton
- Ted Koppel
- Bill O’Reilly
- Jethro Tull

Scandals:

None known at this time, unless you count that whole night vision tape thing.

Platform

Terrorism:

I think Osama bin Ladin is a bad, bad man. Very bad. We should do something about that, definitely. I mean, I wouldn’t want to travel to Iraq or anything. I hear it’s dusty. It would be bad for my complexion. Plus, it’s said they sell white girls there.

What? Osama’s not in Iraq? Then what are we doing over there? If we’re in Iraq, we should at least go after Saddam Hussein, right? Oh! We got him already? Do we have Osama? No? Sheesh! We really need to get on that. Plus, those women are not too fashionable in those burkas. Get that done right away.

Death Penalty:

I think common criminals deserve to die if they try to rob, rape, or murder good people. Or if they look like someone who did. Or if they look like someone who might. Just as long as we don’t kill anybody for corporate fraud. No, no, that just wouldn’t do at all.

Foreign Policy:

I think our foreign policy is exquisite! Gucci, Prada, Manolo. I wouldn’t change a thing, except maybe making Milan the 51st state, like we did with Puerto Rico.

Nicole Ritchie:

“She’s all right, but she’s not real.” My homie Jay-Z said that. We are totally BFF, but she’s kinda cramping my style. She’s not as hot as me, not as tall as me, not as skinny as me, not as blonde as me, and not as white as me. She’s also not a Hilton sister, which throws a lot of people off.

I feel she’s trying to follow in my footsteps too much. She told the announcers at a Lakers game she wanted to have sex with Kobe Bryant, on air. Sheesh! Way to set back the movement, sister!

Interview

CHASER: What do you think of our current President?
Hilton: Clinton?
CHASER: Noooo, Bush. George Bush.
Hilton: Oh, don’t be silly. He was the president like 20 years ago when we were at war with Iraq.
CHASER: Actually, we were just now at war with Iraq, with Bush’s son, also named George. George W. Bush.
Hilton: Right, right! Oh! So, that’s why I keep hearing his name.
CHASER: Oh boy. So I guess you can’t have much of an opinion.
Hilton: I would totally not do him. Not at all. But I would definitely do Bill Clinton.
CHASER: Awesome. What do you plan on doing with taxes, if anything, if elected?
Hilton: Well, I’ve never had a problem with sales tax, because come on, I don’t even look at the prices when I shop. But I know there are little Parises out there, dreaming of being runway stars like me, so I think we should lower the sales tax.
CHASER: Wow. Actually, I was referring to the national income tax. Besides, sales tax varies in each state.
Hilton: Really? Gosh, I don’t even know what it is in New York, then. Is it higher in the Hamptons?
CHASER: (Swiftly)Your hair is gorgeous.
Hilton: Thank you, I can’t help it.
CHASER: Whew! Ok, next question. (Tossing out all Iraq-related notecards) Umm, how about this. How do you feel about celebrities taking office, as you’re trying to do, in the footsteps of Ventura and Schwarzenegger?
Hilton: I see nothing wrong with it. Americans want someone they can relate to in office.
CHASER: Um, a pro wrestler, an Austrian bodybuilding champion-turned-action star, and a millionaire heiress runway model?
Hilton: Anyway, we rule the world, anyway. Just look at the highway robbery we get away with in the legal system. We never have to serve jury duty, our trials get dragged out and we all walk…
CHASER: Hey! That’s actually a very astute point, Paris! I’d like to delve deeper into this topic of socio-economic inequality--
Hilton: Plus I belong to one of the 5 families that control the world.
CHASER: Um, what?
Hilton: Yeah, you know. The governments, the media, the major corporations, the banks.
CHASER: Ehh…so that really exists? I thought that was a silly conspiracy theory?
Hilton: Oh, pussycat.
CHASER: Did you just call me “pussycat?”
Hilton: Next question, please.
CHASER: Fair enough. Explain to me why you have chosen the Libertarian party to run with.
Hilton: Well, I was out with P. Diddy and Ashton Kutcher and some of the Vicki’s girls one night, and we decided to fly to D.C. to go to Dream. We were in Puffy’s G5 jet, and he had “Chasing Liberty,” with my favorite cutie Mandy Moore on the flat screen. It was such a joyful movie with such a wonderful message…Her character’s name was Liberty, and there were a few shots of the Statue of Liberty, and I thought, “Wow! I should totally run for President!” And in honor of Mandy and her movie, I chose Libertarian.
CHASER: (Face in hand, shaking head) Ok, Paris. Let’s switch gears. George Washington chopping down the cherry tree. Good idea/bad idea?
Hilton: Who? I’m not so good with names that aren’t Italian.
CHASER: You must know something about American history, you simply must…hmm, what do the initials “U.S.A.” stand for?
Hilton: Hmm, isn’t that one of Ralph Lauren’s companies, like “Polo Jeans U.S.A.?”
CHASER: Oh my living God. I will not give up till I find a question you have a normal answer to.
Hilton: Do you want to talk about my TV show?
CHASER: No, I do not. Wait! I’ve got one! Which black actress is the host of the Oprah Winfrey show?
Hilton: Hmm…was it that rap girl from “Barbershop?”
CHASER: (Crying) I hate my life.
Hilton: Come on now, it can’t be that bad! Have you ever worked at Sonic? My friend Nicole had to stick her hand up a cow’s ass once.
CHASER: Fuck this, I’m out of here.

Photos

The "Presidential" look.

Contemplating world famine.

Contributing to world famine.

Paris sways undecided voters.