Jake Delacroix says, “How could you possibly know that everyone is LA is fake if you have only been here for two weeks?” Sounds like the pot calling the kettle black. She replies, “I am a psychology student.” To which Jake replies, “Psychology, the only class I ever got an F in. We’re perfect for each other.” And he put his tongue down her throat. Then he ruined it by telling this joke.

“So I was having this intense debate with a gay guy which culminated in him declaring me homophobic. I was so offended and outraged by this comment that I sucked his dick. I am no homophobe. “ Then he really ruined it by telling this joke.

“I was dating this girl for awhile and things got kind of kinky. But then we broke up. And she knew I was a comic, so she asked me not to tell any jokes about her. So I can’t really tell you about the things that we’ve done, but I am selling a videotape available for $8.95.” Then he absolutely sealed the deal of ruination by telling this last joke.

“I’m desensitized to sex because I have an addiction to porno. And I really like this new girl that I’m seeing. But I don’t want her to think that I am not attracted to her but she is starting to wonder why I need to be holding a computer mouse in order to cum.”

Another night, another mic. Reporting the length of travel and amount of stage time is boring me. I got almost no laughs tonight. I felt the pain of this venue one more time. I just feel like an idiot. The best thing I did was ask the Japanese members of the crowd if they were shinto.

One of the big problems with sitting down at my computer these days is the obsession to play poker. I’m such a Texas Hold Em addict, it’s ridiculous. The worst thing that has happened to me in this regard is that I win. Winning keeps me hooked like nothing else. I can’t be writing jokes when I got bullets. Or when I am catching that Ace high flush on the river. Or catching my third King on the turn. The main thing I’ve learned is that poker has more lingo than drug dealing.

I needed to go back to my psychologist of many years for, let’s say, various reasons. So, I called the insurance company and told them that I was depressed and anxious and I would need some visits. They approved. Overjoyed, I called my therapist and exclaimed, “Good news doc, they bought it; they approved the sessions. They think I’m nuts!!!”

To which the doctor responded, “ Hey that’s great!! But there is some bad news.”

Gravely, I responded, “Doc, what is it?”

He snapped, “You ARE nuts!!”

A Joke by Henry Parkway

I’ve been having a lot of trouble sleeping lately, so I’m going to return my bed of nails for a regular mattress. I do have a down pillow and comforter but it pains me to think of the naked goose running around somewhere. But when I do get to sleep, I have these really intense and vivid dreamz. And you can have them too. What you do is, before bedtime, sit crosslegged, Indian style, in front of your bed, get all centered, relax, take a deep breath and then, wait, there’s one more thing...oh yeah, smoke opium.

Poems by Henry Parkway

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Sleep
Sucks
When it’s not happening
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Why is this
What it’s
Always
About?
Why can’t we
Turn things
Around?
How does it always
Come out in
Circles?
Period.
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