Three Chauvanistic Jokes by Jake Delacroix

Being off drugs and alcohol for awhile really teaches one to be a good person but I finally broke the cardinal rule. I slept with my sponsor’s daughter. And since honesty is very important I had to tell him that she had a dirty pussy.

I did a gig in a coffee shop the other night and there was a sign next to the register that read “Tipping is good karma”. Thank God for that. And since I had just mailed a copy of a homemade porno that my ex and I had starred in together to her new boyfriend, I decided to put a dollar in the jar. I figured I could use the boost.

The other night I was laying in bed with this girl that I see from time to time and she asked me if I had a girlfriend.

I responded, “I would be a pretty bad boyfriend if I did because I would be cheating on her with you.”

She replied, “Well I have never met any of your friends. I just figured that the girlfriend was for your friends and I was kept secret for you.”

I explained, “No, you have it all wrong, you are kept secret from my friends because you are humiliating to be seen with.”

Flood and I drove from LA to Irvine for an audition at the Irvine Improv. Irvine is about an hour from our neighborhood with no traffic. And there was a ton. Consequently, we were late and they had already started. So after sitting for two hours in bumper to bumper traffic on the 5 freeway, we arrived just before the audition ended. Therefore, we were onstage within two minutes of walking in the front door. We each got three minutes. Then we turned around and sat in two hours of traffic on the way home. Some Saturday afternoon. I sat in 4 hours of traffic for three minutes of stage time. Then when I wrote the booker to see when I could get a spot, he responded that he wasn’t running the show anymore and I would have to talk to another woman and he didn’t know her name. Alas, Flood and I got to know each other a little better. Are we better friends? Not really. In fact, we almost killed each other on the 110 somewhere between Slauson and Adams. Comics are known to be angry in traffic.