About Batman

The office of President has yet to be held by a woman, a minority, or a super hero. But one man aims to right the most important of those wrongs. The name of that man? Batman.

With his no nonsense, kick ass approach and hyper nationalist foreign policy- he has rallied wide support within his country and instilled immobilizing fear outside of it. For domestic policy he promises to slash taxes and brutalize criminals. Running ahead of every other candidate in the polls, he is the man to watch, or fear, or both.

Vitals

Race: Caucasian
Age: 35
Height: 6'4"
Political Party: Republican Party

Positive Rating: 80%
- Asian: 82%
- Black: 66%
- Caucasian: 85%
- Hispanic: 68%
- Men: 92%
- Women: 68%
- Under 30: 84%
- 30 to 50: 80%
- Over 50: 79%

Top Five Donors:
- Wayne Foundation ($76,320,000)
- Clark Kent ($1,000)

Endorsements:
- Arnold Schwarzenegger
- Gotham Police
- Jesse Ventura
- Attorney General Janet Reno

Scandals:
- Various romantic affairs with evil women.
- Various romantic affairs with married women
- Allegedly responsible for the accidental killings of dozens of criminals.

Platform

Death Penalty- It's time to have the federal government force every state to institute the death penalty. I know that in the past I've been a pussy on this subject, and that every time I've had a chance to kill criminals and be done with them, I instead put them away in Arkham Asylum. Inevitably they escape and it's always up to me to capture them again. Well I'm sick of that shit. Look at all these freaks I have to deal with. These have to be the ugliest people on earth. This has gotten tired real fast and it's time for the state to roast them, gas them or hang them.

Look at that shit. Why should I be the only one to deal with that?

Foreign Policy- My administration's foreign policy will be 100% full throttle and unforgiving. I'm sick and tired of anti-American sentiment and pussy whipped Presidents. The second some frog makes a crack about American cuisine, I'm going to put Jacque Chirac's head through a brick wall. If foreign countries really get out of hand I'll have that dolt Clark to do something really catastrophic.

Enemies of the United States beware. I will not wait until news that I've fucked an intern leaks out before I bomb your ass into the stone age. I will rock your ass so hard your fucking grandma's grandma will feel that shit.

Val Kilmer and George Clooney- Kilmer and Clooney will suffer an "as yet undetermined fate worse than death." Their attempts at portraying me were quite ridiculous.

Crime- I will eradicate all crime.

The Batman Franchise- Warner bros. will rehire Tim Burton and Michael Keaton to do films about me indefinitely. If they do not, I will have the justice department ass rape AOL/TimeWarner.

Congress- I will amend the Constitution to state that all congressmen wishing to tack on frivolous appropriations to bills (pork), must first fight me in hand to hand combat to the death.

Al Gore- After I roll him in the election, Al Gore will be my bitch, in more ways than one.

Criminal Rights- Criminals have no rights beyond the ones I give them. And the only right I give them is the right to have my foot up their ass.

Interview

Chaser: In person you're much more, shall we say- profane? Why is it that fictional portrayals of you have been so much softer?
Batman: I think that for a long time the American public has consisted largely of limp wristed cunts- you know, "soccer moms" and such who would rather have the President "feel" pain than dish it out. My public image has pretty much gone with the flow of the times. But I feel that times have changed, and people are ready to accept me for who I really am.

Chaser: Attorney General Janet Reno has said she approves of your no nonsense style, what do you have to say to that?
Batman: I like Janet Reno. I like the way she handled Waco. She also looks like a good sparring partner. I think perhaps I could learn a couple things from fighting her. I heard that we have the same height and weight.

Chaser: Because of FEC regulations regarding income disclosure, you've had to reveal your secret identity. How has this affected your personal life, and do you think it affects your campaign?
Batman: My personal life is great. If anything, revealing my identity has made it easier to date. As far as my campaign goes, I think it helps that I don't have to wear a cowl and cape all the time. People seemed to be intimidated by that. I want to show people that just because I can beat the shit out of them doesn't mean that underneath I'm not a good guy.

Chaser: What is your response to the critics who say that you are a dangerous totalitarian, and that you're responsible for the deaths of hundreds of people- none of whom were actually convicted of any crimes.
Batman: Look, the things they are talking about happened a very long time ago. It's been almost a year since I've killed anyone. I admit that I've made some mistakes like dropping the Joker in that vat of chemicals or letting the second Robin die in a warehouse explosion. But I've learned from my mistakes and I've moved on. The American people should as well.

Chaser: And what about the charges that you are a fanatically strict totalitarian?
Batman: Let's face facts, I fight crime for a living. I have to deal with things, see things that these bleeding hearts know nothing about. I'd like to see them spend a night fighting superpowered freaks in an insane asylum before they criticize my position. What really irks me is that I've saved these wussy fucks more times than I can remember. They're always at some charity gala or whatever, and you know how super villains love to hit those things. So all I ask is that they walk a mile in my shoes before talkin' trash.
Chaser: Ok fair enough.

Chaser: You've taken plenty of heat for dating Selina Kyle, the Catwoman. Are you two still an item, and what's your response to those who criticize your relationship with a known felon.
Batman: No, we're not dating. We're just good friends. People who criticize our past relationship need to mind their own business. Selina has paid her debt to society, I'm not married and she's not married, so I see no problem here.
Chaser: But Lois Lane is married, and there have been rumors about you two.
Batman: Where do you people get this shit? That is totally false. Clark Kent is a friend of mine. I wouldn't do him like that... at least not for a brunette.

Chaser: What about this woman, Talia Ghoul, who claims that you fathered her illegitimate child?
Batman: Just another skank ho, looking to jock the man with the goods. I mean let's be frank- like Tupac, I get around. I'm tall, handsome, and rich. I can't keep track of all these bitches, but what I do know is that I always use a rubber.
Chaser: So her claims are false?
Batman: Of course.

Chaser: Moving on. Which supervillain has given you the most trouble in your crime fighting career?
Batman: The Joker of course. He's my arch nemesis. Mister Freeze runs a close second.

Chaser: And which supervillain has been the easiest to deal with?
Batman: The Penguin. I don't even know why people call him a "super" villain. He's just a short, fat, deformed freak. And contrary to popular opinion he's not a genius either, he just speaks with an effeminate English accent.

Chaser: Who are your favorite philosophers?
Batman: Friedrich Nietzsche and Stone Cold Steve Austin.
Chaser: You don't seem like the type to watch wrestling.
Batman: I don't, but he's a good friend of mine. We're members at the same country club.

Chaser: How do you propose to address the Social Security crisis?
Batman: I'll ship all our senior citizens to Sweden. They're always ejaculating all over their supposedly great welfare system. Let them take care of these old fogies.
Chaser: Won't Sweden object?
Batman: Not to my face they won't.

Chaser: If you win the Republican nomination, will Superman be your running mate, as is widely rumored?
Batman: Yes most likely, if Lois allows him.
Chaser: You're saying his wife controls him?
Batman: Oh, I'm sorry I misspoke. What I really meant to say was "yes most likely, if his dominatrix wife/mother lets go of his 'nads long enough for him to answer a fucking question for himself." But honestly I really do hope to have him as a running mate. He would be useful in making people comply with my orders. He can fly real fast and all that other good shit.

Chaser: You're known as quite the playboy, at least Bruce Wayne is. Do you mind me asking who you're dating now, if anyone?

Batman: No not at all. I'm dating a nice young woman by the name of Tyra Banks. She's a model/actress and I'd also tell you that she's spectacular in bed but of course that would be crass...
Chaser: So is she?
Batman: Hell yes.

Chaser: In your platform you stated that as President you will totally eradicate crime. How specifically do you intend to go about doing this?
Batman: I'm glad you asked that, because obviously crime fighting is my area of strength. I intend to eradicate crime by outfitting every cop with the new UC-9000 Bat Suit. The newest urban combat suit will be bullet proof and withstand extreme temperatures. They will be equipped with infrared and UV sensors, augment the user's strength twenty times, and offer virtually zero encumbrance. Each suit will also be equipped with a low yield atomic self destruct mechanism in case the officer is ever captured. Now that's what I call crime fighting.

Chaser: Sounds great. That should just about do it. Batman, Bruce- thanks for the interview.
Batman: It was my pleasure.

Photos

Showing the kids how it's done.

Getting hassled by the AARP.

Negotiating with a local union representative.

Batman, listening to an Al Gore speech.

An ex-girlfriend interrupts a Wayne foundation benefit.