There are quite a few ways to approach the task- hanging over, hanging under, or the most daring of the three- resting on the back of the toilet nowhere near the spool. Let us walk through the ways, the pros and the cons, the intrigue and the politics.

Hanging Under:

Once I heard somewhere, from some supposed authority on etiquette that hanging under represents the irrefutable standard for toilet paper orientation. How one could come under this impression I don't know. Perhaps there is some antiquated, archaic rationale rooted in historical context. I am not sure.

But in the here and now, with the spools that currently reside beside most of our toilets, it's fairly clear that hanging under is most definitely an ass backwards way of doing things. And if one should be so unlucky as to see the 'hanging under' method in use at the home of an acquaintance, he should be so kind as to inform his host as much.

Why is this method wrongheaded? First, positioning the roll in this way makes the paper more difficult to reach. It is hanging in the back after all, and that has to add two to three inches to the distance between one's ass and the toilet paper.

Second, if one desires a good deal of toilet paper (at least 5-10 segments), the task becomes virtually impossible. With the 'hang over' method, one can simply grasp the tail of the paper with one hand, and give a good downward spin to the roll on the spool. This produces a satisfying and even spin, causing the toilet paper to unleash, but not uncontrollably. Anyone who's tried understands that spinning the spool back towards the wall is an awkward movement for the hand to make.

Hanging Over:

Hanging over is the incontrovertible standard for the civilized peoples- those residing in Western Europe, and perhaps India (if one has the benefit of a British education) but most certainly not Russia, or any place where pants are not worn- such as a college dormitory.

The inherent propriety of this method is unquestionable. In the first place it is of the utmost politeness to use the spool provided in any respectable bathroom. The under qualified engineer who designed the residence did not intend for toilet paper to be stored in another manner. Homes, though owned or leased, are not to be used in any which way. This is why we do not brush our teeth over the kitchen sink or piss in the bathroom sink, as tempting and logical as these actions may be.

The 'hanging over' method is visually and viscerally satisfying. One feels secure to see the tail end of the toilet paper, lest he quickly suspect that it does not in actuality exist, and that an entire day could potentially be wasted spinning the roll hysterically in search of it. This of course is only an issue for people with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, which aptly describes anyone devoting mental faculties to the orientation of toilet paper.

The 'hanging over' method offers flexibility. Those sitting on the toilet tend to pull the paper down below the spool. But often overlooked are those who are not sitting, but standing. This is where 'hanging over' earns its respect. The 'hanging under' method is prohibitive in this regard. Not only is it difficult to see or reach the tail from a standing position, but pulling the roll becomes particularly troublesome. The 'hanging over' orientation offers no such resistance. This is especially relevant to those who blow their nose using toilet paper.

Just fucking put it wherever:

This is my personal preference. This is the way of the confirmed bachelor, or dedicated slob. The 'just fucking put it wherever' philosophy generally results in a roll being placed on the back of the basin, or the edge of the bathroom counter. The 'just fucking put it wherever' approach does not allow for the toilet paper to be placed on the ground, or in the toilet. Some standards of decency after all, must be preserved.

Some drawbacks to the 'just fucking put it wherever' strategy are:

Oftentimes the roll will get knocked into the toilet seat. Hopefully this happens only after the toilet has been properly flushed. If not, someone must be a man and reach in to extract the wayward roll. Unless of course said man can convince a woman to do the job. This is not likely however, for I find that the presence of a female in the household eliminates the prevalence of the 'just fucking put it wherever' approach. Women dislike the 'just fucking put it wherever' practice, and they will insist on placing the roll on the spool. How- it depends, but hopefully in the over and not under fashion, for that is the correct way to do it.

Those subscribing to the 'just fucking put it wherever' philosophy are utilitarian in character, too lazy or too smart to spend the extra 3.5 seconds to place the roll on the spool. These characters also possess a sort of daring- risking the aforementioned and unsanitary predicament daily.

Conclusion:

All things considered, one is behooved by choosing the 'hanging over' method. Sporting a sort of nouveau riche class sensibility, it is at once the most practical and aesthetically appealing orientation for toilet paper. Single and philandering men however are encouraged to employ the 'just fucking put it wherever' approach, in order to maintain the genuine appearance of being single.