Chances are, when you are drunk beyond belief and counting down to the New Year, some small part of you will be wondering if those few ticks represent the end of civilization- that perhaps Lucifer will rise to crush mankind or at least a horde of computer networks with Y2K bugs, viruses and the like. At least that's what you think.

Chances are, by the time you read these words it's already the year 2000, somewhere in Fiji, New Zealand or Japan. Happy new year. Can someone hand me the lyrics to Auld Lang Syne?

You see, due to the Earth being round, the year starts quite a bit earlier in some parts of the world- more specifically the mid Pacific. If the new millenium should bear the end of civilization, Y2K glitch disaster, the second coming of Jesus, or the reign of Satan- it would probably be as punctual as possible. Don't you think? Jesus and Satan seem to be the punctual sort. If they say 2000, I believe they'd be here on the dot. Computers are rather punctual as well. If planes should fall out of the sky and whatnot, most of us will see it happen half a day early... in Japan. If that is the case, we will have plenty of time to prepare by doing things like, not fly a plane at midnight.

Chances are, nothing will happen. Nothing spectacular at least. Prince will sing his 1999 song. That should be cool. Peter Jennings will broadcast live for 24 hours in order to catch every timezone's celebration. About midway through he'll break down and cry, or reveal sordid details of his affair with Barbra Streisand. That should be disgusting. Amazingly, Charlotte Church will pass up the opportunity to become more over hyped than Ricky Martin. And millions who have no one to kiss when the clock strikes twelve will stand idly by and hope nobody notices.

Chances are, the real turn of the millenium is 2001. But we don't care about that right? All the "best of" lists are coming out now, so this must be the end. Not to mention that the start date of the Julian calendar is arbitrary anyway (how many really think Christ was born year 1?). But the calendar on my wall, the one with the naked women says it's 2000. And 2000 is a nice, round number. It must be important. Round numbers are important.

Then again chances are, you'll be too inebriated to remember these words and in the back of your alcohol riddled brain you'll still maintain hope that after the countdown something interesting might actually occur. And it will, en masse. People will be getting drunk, and therefore laid. Make sure you are one of those people. Happy new year.