 My mind struggled to wrap itself around what I had just heard. Lyndsey was old enough to be my mother and yet she looked young enough to be asked for ID at bars. I looked at her face and through the plastered make-up, finally realized what I had missed earlier-- slight wrinkles nestled under her eyes.
Had I been logical, I would have thought how her being 18 years my senior was going to affect this relationship. Instead, I fell back onto Foolosophy, which meant completely ignoring this change of course. I put on my blinders and ran straight for a brick wall.
“I know you're 37,” I lied. “Why can't you come out for a beer though?”
She paused for a second, scanning my face. I put on my best poker face, attempting to play the situation as if I wasn't feeling awkward at all. In reality, I had no idea what I was doing. I tried to re-think my entire date strategy as to what a woman of her age would want. I wanted to punch myself in the face for bringing a 37 year old to a Vin Diesel movie. Thinking back now, I should have kicked my ass for bringing any girl to a Vin Diesel movie.
“I have to work tomorrow,” she told me. After catching doubt on my face, she added “I'll explain later.” We left the theater and as I went to hold her hand, she brushed it off. I eyed a curious and somewhat annoyed stare her way. “If a co-worker sees me holding a kid's hand, there are going to be a lot of rumors for me to answer.” she said. I could feel this date plunging faster than the Hindenburg. Had I not been intrigued by dating an older woman, I would have left right as she called me a kid. And yet I couldn't help but feel a need to see this disaster through. It was as if I wanted to rubberneck my own collision. Instead of going for beer as I suggested, we drove to her house. Apparently her explanation for the early night was there. As we parked next to her house, a six year old child by the name of Aaron ran out and hugged Lyndsey's leg. I mentally noted in my head that inviting Lyndsey to the keg party on campus next week wasn't the best of ideas. The next day I had decided not to call Lyndsey for a second date. I could hardly handle homework, much less a woman with a career and a son. When the phone rang that evening, she changed my mind though. A hot woman asking me to keep her company that night was all I needed to convince me differently. When I arrived at her place, she told me she wanted someone to keep her company since Aaron couldn't sleep. This wasn't a booty call at all. This was babysitting. I sat through a Disney movie, getting no closer to Lyndsey than holding hands. All I had as consolation was that I didn't really mind Toy Story 2. When you're expecting sex though, an animated kid's movie is like a bucket of cold water.  This continued four more times in the next couple of weeks. Each time I went over in the slim hope that my teenaged libido would be satisfied, and each time I was greeted with the task of dozing through a Disney film with not even a touch from Lyndsey afterwards. I began dreaming of Toy Story 2. Entire scenes would even play out in my head as I sat through classes. No longer did I find those cute little aliens amusing. I hated those little fuckers. As far as I was concerned, they were playing interference with my sex life. I was ready to give up on a relationship that involved Woody and Buzz, which weren't half as kinky as they sounded. I promised myself that under no circumstance would I accept another of Lyndsey's invitations. Of course I did though-- her sex appeal was enough for me to continue this torture at the hands of Walt Disney. The next time was different, though. Aaron was asleep and Toy Story 2 had safely been put away into its DVD case. She pushed me onto her couch as a parking lot of Hot Wheels tumbled to the floor. She pushed an incredibly fit body next to mine. A short time later she was leading me to her room. I mentally celebrated my victory over the string of cartoons that I had to endure for this. Fuck Disney; things were finally X-rated. The door suddenly burst open as I was in mid-climax. Aaron jumped onto the bed as I pushed my face into a pillow and bit my tongue. I tried to stop the pulsating of pleasure and tried to realize exactly what the hell was going on. “I had a bad dream,” Aaron yelled. “I'm having one right now,” I thought to myself. Lyndsey took Aaron to bed and returned a half-hour later. Obviously, she had mothered long enough to not be embarrassed of these mishaps, as she laid down as if nothing had occurred. I was humiliated though, and more importantly to a 19 year old, unsatisfied. I dozed off and restlessly dreamt of Woody and Buzz until morning. The phone rang early, and I felt her pushing me awake, urgently telling me to wake up. I could only wonder what would be more serious than a bad dream to disturb me. “My parents are going to be here in five minutes,” she yelled. I looked up, a tired and glazed look in my eyes which were only half-open as it was. “So? Just throw me my clothes to put on.” She whipped the blankets off me and began throwing my clothes, yelling for me to wake up. I took this as a sign that she wouldn't be making me pancakes this morning.  “Listen,” she began. “When my parents come in, you pretend to be one of the neighborhood kids. I'll tell them I pay you to cut the lawn. That sounds a lot better than telling them that I'm fucking a 19 year old kid.” I was about to argue, becoming defensive over this shame she had of people knowing we were dating. Before I was able to open my mouth, the doorbell rang and we went to the door. She gave me a worried look and I replied with an icy glance. It may have been late but I was finally ready to bail on this sorry relationship. She introduced me to her parents as I planned for a fast escape. I was still fuming over her comment. “It's nice to meet you,” I pleasantly said to Lyndsey's parents. “I've been working around your daughter's lawn. It could really use some trimming.”
Lyndsey shot me a look that had fangs as her face reddened, obviously fully understanding my insinuation. I quickly excused myself and bee-lined towards my vehicle. As I was climbing into my car with the intention of never returning, I heard Aaron's voice. “Nana! Papa!” he shouted excitedly. He then looked out the doorway and saw me. He jumped on the porch and waved both hands. “Bye, daddy Jayden!” he yelled. |
