I'm lazy.

For years I fought the designation, fearing it would become my albatross.

But now I am at peace with it and make no apologies for the fact.

Many people fancy themselves lazy. However, while their afflictions remain mere consequences of human physiology and its attendant limitations, my breed of laziness has been elevated to an art form.

For one, I don't return calls. Not because I'm famous. I'm not. Not because I'm callous and inconsiderate. I am. No, I simply don't feel the need to. And if something doesn't absolutely need to get done, it surely won't. If something does, it will wait until the last possible moment. This is also why I will never carry a cell phone, even in 2021, when in addition to playing obsolete games people will have sexual intercourse with them.

I don't hang clothing in the closet or fold it and place it in drawers. It gets tossed to the ground or stored in laundry bags and plastic bins. It would be a fair system except that I don't have the energy to keep dirty and clean clothes separated. I'm also too lazy to search the bottom of these bins for clean laundry so my wardrobe is limited to what's immediately visually available. For the past month this has meant a cycle of two pairs of pants, five t-shirts and a sweatshirt. I'm also too lazy to do laundry. Fortunately for the olfactory senses of all, my girlfriend does it for me.

Despite the pain I have long since abandoned the formality of shaving cream. Also, my razors are not in the bathroom but at my desk because the only time I notice overgrowth is while sitting at the computer. And to suggest that I add shaving in the bathroom to my daily routine incorrectly assumes that I have a daily routine.

The litany continues.

I haven't combed or styled my hair since 1997. I wear hats.

I once watched an entire infomercial because I couldn't find the remote and didn't want to get up and change the channel.

I'll reuse a dirty dish if the previous food it was used for even remotely resembles the current food.

I'm even too lazy to ask for paychecks or pick them up. At times I've submitted time sheets months late. Once my employer expected me to a) remember when I get paid and b) ask for my check on that date. Suffice it to say several pay checks accumulated on his desk before I bothered to demean myself with the inefficiency of this protocol.

One would think that even the most lethargic bum would get off of his ass to pick up a paycheck. And he would. But understand that to him, sloth is little beyond an inherited virtue. He does not actively seek the quality. He merely possesses it. To me it is an art, an under appreciated haven of excellence where few think such a thing can exist.

Those possessing only a perfunctory knowledge of my character have difficulty believing I'm such a deadbeat. Though my procrastination is without peer and getting to work is a challenge unto itself, once put to a task I am efficient, diligent and aggressive. People misconstrue this as a solid work ethic. How terribly wrong they are.

The truth is that I work hard. But not for the sake of working hard. I only do so because it is often unavoidable. And in those fated instances I cannot resume being lazy until said work is done. I work in order to return to my lazy ways. It's flawless logic. Think of me as the doped up prostitute who bears the degradation of pulling a trick only by thinking about the next hit it affords her.

Actually it's exactly like that. The only difference is that I get to pay taxes.

Clearly, in lieu of lamenting my shortcomings I have made a policy of rationalizing them. Instead of focusing on the established negative consequences of sloth, I choose to explore the positive aspects and genesis of this preconditioned trait.

Nothing positive about laziness you say? Its extant status says otherwise. Think of it in the same way we consider sickle cell anemia. That it persists in such large numbers suggests that there are evolutionary advantages to this putatively negative trait.

I have identified two distinct advantages of sloth that may help explain the disposition's continued success in the population.

First, energy conservation in the context of a group dynamic. In lay terms this is called free riding. Humans are social by nature. We problem solve and work in groups. This makes executing individual appraisal problematic. Translation? The less work you can do in a group and get away with, the better for you.

Let the alpha male hunt for food and fend off predators. When he's weakened you can usurp him and gain sexual rights to the females. Then, using a corporate profit sharing scam you can convince the beta male to do all the hunting and fighting. He's an idiot anyway.

Expending less energy without cutting into rewards is the hallmark of an efficient organism. Being too lazy may get one kicked out of the group but being just lazy enough has its benefits.

The second advantage is the potential inhibition of compulsive behaviour. Plainly put, a person of extraordinary sloth has difficulty becoming addicted to harmful substances or behaviors. Case in point: my inability, despite my best efforts, to become addicted to nicotine. For months I would buy packs of cigarettes intending to become a legitimate smoker. But I would constantly forget to smoke. And even when I remembered, the effort to find the cigarettes and light up ultimately proved too daunting.

This is not to say that laziness has only positive effects. I have also been too lazy to eat, see the doctor, or take proper precautions while transporting plutonium. Additionally, I have been too lazy to use contraception but upon further consideration that's actually an evolutionary advantage.

Anecdotal evidence you say? Of course it is. Scientific rigor is for tools, qualifiers and lovers of weak language. We could adhere to it but nothing interesting would ever be said.

I am what I am. And I'm not alone.

We are the silent majority. We build your cars, make the trains run late, serve your food, own the Los Angeles Clippers and work at the DMV. Sometimes we get elected President.

I'm lazy. And I'm fine with that.

Take that fucking bird off my neck. I'm too lazy to do it myself.