 Ah, yes. Maybe I should introduce myself. My name is Cyprian. No, not Scorpion, Supreme, Syphilis, Sabrina … Cyprian. Like the island of Cyprus. Never mind. I also go by many aliases that I have acquired over the past few years (while running from the Feds), such as Corsair and Simon Azrael. Those who seem to think I'm from outer space call me Cebrien AL-EL Cebrien, and those who believe my trailer-trash shtick to be even the least bit authentic, (which is baffling, because I'm a first-generation Polish immigrant, and believe you me, it shows) call me things not unlike Billy, Jim, or Tyrone. Also Dave. That just leaves my initials, the all-encompassing CGM.
Why am I so weird? I spent the last (and best - what a cliché) four years of my life at the lucrative James Madison University, in the Shenandoah Valley of Virginia. I received a B.A. in Media Arts and Design, and Journalism. I would have majored in Awesomeness, but they didn't offer it there. Also I drank. A lot. I mean a WHOLE lot. So now, in my many roles as a writer or an editor, my once 790 SAT vocabulary struggles to produce copious statements not unlike "Yeah, totally, that's some real good stuff. I mean really." My bringing up my alma mater actually has something to do with my illustrious topic. See, there were a LOT of hot girls at my school. Our women ranked #2 in Playboy magazine like 5 years in a row or something (Check the history books, mofo's). A lot of these amazing, coy-looking seductive temptresses had long dark hair, legs like figure skaters (that Tara Lipinsky euro-tramp excluded), curves to give you whiplash, daddy's platinum card, and a throatful of attitude. As it were, all these royal Jezebels hailed from the great state of New Jersey. This would normally be the part of the story where I try to artfully insert the phrase "ad hoc" into my piece, but I'm still trying to remember what it means. Having said that, if you are still reading this, I will proceed to tell you about my beef with New Jersey. Now I love all things and all people, and try to treat them all with kindness, respect, and compassion. Also, if you believe this, you are in for a "crying game" of a surprise. I HATE New Jersey and anything or anyone affiliated with it. If you're from New Jersey, and you're offended, shut up because you should hate yourself for being a resident of such an insipid Sodom of a state. You know it sucks; you've just had to deal with it so long you've become brainwashed. By the likes of Governor James McGreevey and the other Illuminati who have been part of a time-honored tradition of making people believe that there is actually some good in the Garden State. I mean, come on! Garden State? Who are they kidding? The last documented garden in the EN-TIRE state was wiped out during the Carter administration. Anyone who has been to New Jersey knows how ugly, dark and downright stank that place is. Ever have a conversation with someone from the ol' NJ? First thing they say after they tell you where they're from is that "it's not as dirty as people think." Why would you have to say something like that? |
