There comes a time in every man's life where he has to go out into the world and into his own. The time comes to leave the nest and make a life for himself. When that time comes for me, I'll be sure to give you the briefing. Until then, I am stuck in an aimless cycle of bouncing around jobs until I finally give up and move to the beach and sell weed.

So for the time being, I have found myself a job somewhat related to what I did in school (no, not drinking, I mean journalism). I have this position writing reports and bulletins for a research firm in downtown Washington, D.C. For anonymity purposes we shall therein hereafter pro forma pro bono (and many other formal-sounding legal terms) call them "BRC," hmmm … "Ball-ass Research Company," if you require meaning in your life.

What I experienced on my first day at this place left me in violent tears, longing for my carefree days of sitting in the sandbox with the neighborhood kids, waiting for Sesame Street to come on. Or the lecherous days of college where drunken vixens gave out blowjobs like candy, anyway. I will attempt to recount that fateful first day's events to the best of my recollection, with my memory being what it is after that same evening's overdose of vicodin.

I arrive to the orientation meeting late (of course) and situate myself near the back. This however is not enough to keep Fate (or Life, Nature, God, Satan, what have you) from positioning me next to THE most annoying man ever created in all of history, ever. This will come into play later.

They are passing out training binders full of database instructions and glossaries and the like. I open mine up with a bit of reserve and see the first day's itinerary. It goes something not unlike this:

9:00 - 10:30: Introduction to BRC - "Welcome to our world"

- Building tour
- Intro to training materials 10:30 - 12:00: Payroll/ Employee Materials

12:00 - 1:00: Lunch
1:00 - 3:00: Overview of database
3:00 - 5:00: Practice database

Now this is what my day's itinerary SHOULD have looked like, because this is how it would go:

9:00 - 10:30: Introduction to the rest of your life/Hell - "Hating life"

- Avoiding trivial conversations with annoying people
- Getting upset over new Alannis Morrisette song

10:30 - 12:00: Thinking about my penis
12:00 - 1:00: Walking the streets mewing like a kitten; debating on not returning
1:00 - 3:00: Total systematic cognitive failure; sex fantasies involving office mates
3:00 - 5:00: Miserably failing to connect with young peers; scoping female co-workers for thongs

So the sweet little lady who loves her work and owns 4 cats starts going over the materials and giving a general overview of what we will be doing over the next few months; hating life. Looking over the sample proxy statements and annual reports from the companies we will be researching shows itself to be about as promising as an unpaid editorial internship with the IRS. I begin to consider coal mining in West Virginia.