To know women is to know what they want. This of course is impossible.

However, embarrassing and self-defeating attempts should still be made, if only for our amusement.

So what do women want most? Respect. Ok but what do they want after that? A menstruation inhibitor drink. Ok but what about after that? I don't know. But it might be men.

Since I don't respect women and I'm too busy with my cloning experiments to work on a menstruation inhibitor drink I can only speak to the wanting men part.

If the key to understanding women is understanding their desires, and women desire men slightly less than narcotics and pipe dreams of equality then it's a simple matter of figuring out which men they desire and why.

And no, running from the question with a perfunctory "oh I guess they like this guy because he's handsome or something" is not sufficient. By doing so you allow your insecurities to retard scientific inquiry and discovery.

After all, if you can't accurately gauge what women want in a man, then you can't determine how far you lag behind that ideal. Indirectly, this is also about knowing yourself.

For the sake of science then, I will construct a list of guys I would do if I were a woman. This is not to be confused with the list of guys I would do if I were gay. That is an entirely different matter. Or it isn't. To really know I'd have to be gay. Which I am… not. I could be lying. But to know you'd have to be gay yourself. And that would be terrible because we wouldn't be friends anymore. You know, because of the gay thing.

So that's me rationalizing my homophobia away. Here's the list.

Jude Law

There's a big myth out there that won't die. The myth is that women favor pretty boys.

Speaking strictly from the perspective of evolutionary biology, this makes no sense. Emasculated, androgynous duds can't possibly make a visceral impression of being strong reproductive partners. Therefore, women who like pretty boys are either lesbians or pre-pubescent girls, or in other words, females ignorant to the joys of a good boning.

Exceptions to this rule exist and they generally stem from illogical social constructs. Jude Law is one of those exceptions. Law is simply too suave, too sophisticated and too pretty not to be included in a list such as this. The lilt of his accent is just music to a woman's ears.

According to the ATP, IBF and ESPN coaches' poll, Law has been the reigning #1 pretty boy for the past twenty-six months. For all the kids who just tuned in, Tom Cruise hasn't been the top dog for some time now. Know it. Accept it. Don't be like those idiots who thought post rape conviction Tyson could still box. Rape convictions only make better rappers, not boxers. Rest in peace Tupac. I will waste alcoholic beverage in your honor.

Wesley Snipes

To put it succinctly, Snipes kicks your ass. He's the Angelina Jolie of men.

He isn't psychotic enough to make it a perfect comparison but he has the danger factor and raw sex appeal going for him. And you just know he has the wherewithal and ability to kill on a whim. There's something undeniably hot about that.

Conan O'Brien

He's funny and shit. Women like him, I guess. I do too. Just not in that way. At first it doesn't seem that females should get wet over a gangly pale dude. But women radiate a vibe when watching Conan. I think they want to do him and that's good enough for me.

I suppose the thinking for a woman is "oh that Conan is so smart and clever and well read. If he were to choose me that would prove the depth of my intellect and validate my existence as a woman and not an object." Of course it wouldn't mean anything of the sort. It would just mean she's fucking a gangly pale dude.

But if I were a woman I would gladly buy into that self-delusion.

Mel Gibson

The weird paternalistic sexual attraction angle used to be Harrison Ford's domain. Ford attraction now borders on necrophilia, so Gibson takes over in the "I love daddy" division.

This is an interesting development since Gibson is the Willie Mays of the pretty boy league. That's difficult for guys to understand, since we most fondly remember Road Warrior and Braveheart Gibson. But if you've ever seen The Year of Living Dangerously then you know what I mean- quintessential pretty boy. Only after Thunderdome did he officially become rugged.

Taye Diggs

Taye Diggs is too sexy for his hat and his cat and he might even be too sexy for sex, imagine that. The female equivalent of Diggs doesn't exist. That's how crazy good looking this guy is. Fortunately he doesn't get more face time or else he'd set the bar so high women would become incapable of dating lesser men.

I can picture females stripping down en masse as he passes by them on the street. There's no reason to believe I'd be any different. My only hope is that he would choose me over the other naked chicks.

Hugh Jackman

A short aside, why is Hugh Jackman Wolverine? The dude is 6'3"! Why not cast Danny Devito in the titular role for The Life and Times of Manute Bol?

Anyway, Hugh Jackman is the Kevin Garnett of sex symbols. He can do it all. He can do that charming romantic comedy thing. You know, that thing with the eyes and the smile that melts hearts. He always looks up for a good, vigorous roll in the hay. And he even has an accent.

But most importantly, he's a proficient enough liar to make women believe he'd actually enjoy being tied down to one ho and taking care of her brats. You have to admire that. Such talent is worth its weight in weapons-grade plutonium.

The task was surprisingly easy, though I'll maintain the pretense that it was difficult.

Most of us are vaguely cognizant of our inadequacies. Until you've made your own list however, you won't truly understand the depth and scope of those inadequacies.

So go on and do it. Be a man. Embrace your inferiority. There is an idealized model of manhood and you aren't it. But you have nothing to fear. You won't become a self-pitying bulimic moron.

Will you?