Amazingly, in spite of these contravening factors- I do know how to raise children. And in case you already have them, or for some masochistic reason intend to, remember these four simple words of advice.

Let society raise them.

That's right. Just let good old societal conditions and forces shape the character and health of your children, because it's going to happen anyway. Or better yet let the government raise them. After all, the concept of society is a tad too ephemeral for most people to grasp let alone control.

There is no longer a need to determine for yourself at what age your children should be allowed to smoke cigarettes. The government has kindly set it for you. This would be much easier to stomach if the government were God, or a supernatural entity, or Michael Jordan, or even a very mysterious frog sitting on a rock.

Unfortunately the government can only aspire to such lofty credentials. In truth the government is just you, me, those people over there and anyone else pretentious enough to pass a law determining how your children should be raised.

With the help of a few moralistic zealots the government has decided that your children shouldn't be watching hard core pornography on television. They didn't consider the notion that preventing a child from watching pornography is a parent's responsibility, or perhaps that some parents would like their kids to watch some porn. No, they simply decided for you. They decided what should be on your television, and if you are on the production side- what you should put on it.

Ditto for other forms of media: music, film, videogames.

Where there are no laws restricting what your children can do or buy, thus usurping your parental rights- don't worry for there soon will be.

In some places the government has even determined what a good curfew for your children is. Ostensibly these curfew laws have been passed in order to curb vandalism and other various things kids like to do at night. In that same vein one should suggest that all men be executed in order to curb the incidence of rape. But one should do this quietly lest the powers that be become enamored with the idea.

Some parents of course, love the restrictions. For them, legislation only makes parenting easier as they agree with most or all of the laws. But what about parents who don't agree with the laws- those who want to raise their kids differently? What about those parents who want their kids to drink, smoke and watch porn all by the age of 14? What about parents who wish to accord their children the full rights of an adult earlier than mandated?

Well screw them. They must be bad parents. They don't have the right to raise their kids as they please. It's abusive to afford a human being his rights before a certain and universal chronological age. Giving people freedom is abusive.

This is good logic. Those studying polemics would do well to learn it. File it under "arguments that work well when you have the luxury of legalized force at your disposal," or "things that were probably uttered by Joseph Stalin at some point in time."

Sooner or later the smarter parents will grown keen to the game. They will realize that if we continue upon this trajectory, the need to put any substantial thought into raising one's own children will have vanished.

Oh, collectively we will still have to address the issue of raising children, but we will do so at the ballot, through the imprecise mechanism that is our government. Not only will parents be able to determine how their own children are to be raised, they will also get to tell other parents how to raise theirs. Those who don't have kids will get a say as well. In the end, parents will still get to raise their children, only they'll have to do it by majority rule. It will take a village to raise your kid, whether you like it or not.

Actually it's laughable to maintain the use of the term "will," as if the described scenario is nothing but a wispy and distant vista of overworked censors and assorted horrors inimical to liberty.

We are already there.

Ladies and gentlemen, our individual liberties are being shit on so that the government may raise your children for you. Please take advantage of the service and have a nice day.