I've often bored my girlfriend extolling the virtues of the term "fuck" despite the fact that she cusses less than any person I've ever known. The beauty of the term is its tremendous flexibility. "Fuck" can be coaxed into every grammatical category I can think of. It can be used as a noun, a verb, an adjective, an adverb, an exclamation, and a gerund. Unlike those of you reading this, I've since forgotten what exactly a gerund is (as you never knew in the first place), but that's irrelevant. I'm absolutely sure that "fuck" can be used as a gerund. Ok, it can't be used as a preposition, but you are a fucking dork if that's the first thing that came to your mind reading the above paragraph.

The word is just so damned effective at capturing any emotion you want to express. Anger, disillusionment, frustration, pain, shock, despair, ecstasy, humor. You name it, it can probably be expressed with this single word. Is there another term with which we can run so fast and loose with our verbal emotions?

There is something to be said for parsimony. And what could be more parsimonious than expressing emotion so frugally and efficiently through one word? When was the last time you've turned to your friends and said "well fellows, I'm quite frustrated over this matter of my girlfriend having sex with five men at once." Hopefully, you've never had cause to express that particular sentiment. But if you do find yourself wanting for words in such a situation, wouldn't a very loud and agonized "fuck" do the job that much better?

By now I've convinced you of what a grand and divine word "fuck" really is. In your heart, you know this to be true. Then why, oh why is foul language so oppressed in our common media? A thirteen year old child is theoretically perfectly suited to watch Men in Black and see various alien life forms blown up and a man eaten and skinned. But God forbid they use the words "fuck" or "shit."

And why? Aren't we assured the right to free speech and press under U.S. constitutional law? Granted, there are important legal distinctions between television, radio, film and print that make this statement a little simplistic. But even in the more stringent television and radio media (more stringent because airwaves are legally owned by the government)- solid rationale should be provided for censorship. I'm not arguing for zero censorship. I'm arguing for reasonable, logical censorship.

So kids watch violent shit, and they therefore turn around and gun down other kids in school. Fine, sure, whatever- censor violence because we don't want to see kids getting gunned down in school. So kids are watching sex in movies and likewise running out and having costumed orgies. Teen pregnancy is a problem, as are sexually transmitted diseases. Ok, fine, censor sex. These kids don't have the right to die of AIDS until they can vote or be drafted into the military.

So kids see people cuss in film and television and likewise come home swearing up a storm. Ok, and this results in what? Death? Destruction? Riots? Unwanted, miserable infants? What is the dire threat foul language presents that it provides a reasonable underpinning for censorship? The best and worst answer I've ever received was, lack of civility. Since when has this been sufficient cause to abridge freedom of speech? Sponsoring a lack of civility? How many things can reasonably be assumed to contribute to a lack of civility on this earth? Should we attempt to restrict them all, despite how much treading on individual liberty would be required?

Furthermore, since when has this lack of civility been more pressing of a problem than the aforementioned violence, disease and poverty? Is it more important for children to use clean language, or is it more important for them to not murder and rape each other, and not bear illegitimate children at the age of fourteen? The MPAA, FCC, and various censorship boards seem to be telling me that the former is of greater concern. Because they have become quite adept at abridging our right to cuss in the media, far more so than they have abridged violence and sex.

One might retort that the only reason I've noticed this bullshit state of affairs is because I have a borderline unhealthy love of cussing. This is absolutely true. Anyone who is not a friend of mine will quickly think I am a sufferer of Tourette's syndrome. But that's entirely beside the point. The point is that this is a bullshit state of affairs. A system of stupidity and suppression is being perpetuated by the type of people who think there is a qualitative difference between thrusting a penis into a pie 3 times as opposed to 11 times. Think about that.