Black Friday, Any mall in America – Today, pandemonium struck, as 3 people were trampled waiting in line all night for the 5:00 AM 20% off sale. Despite the fact that it is widely publicized - both by the media and corporations themselves - that this is the single busiest shopping day of the entire year, setting off a series of events that is exclusively responsible for department stores making profits, people still come in droves to stand in lines for hours. They continue to circle the parking lot dozens of times looking for parking spots a half mile away from their destination. They still fight other anxious and tired shoppers. There is no reasonable response to this information.

You’ll often hear during the year after reports state that record crowds permeated the shopping malls the day after Thanksgiving, there is no drop in shoppers. The term “smart shopper” is an oxymoron; for if there was such a thing, Black Friday would only occur in multi-year cycles. People would stay home on Black Friday. At least every few years. Alas, in reality, they do not. 

The turn of the century, among other things, brought a housing boom that brought millions of extra residents into already dense areas. Appropriate roadway and traffic construction did not follow suit. Soon, 2-3 times the normal amount of shoppers infiltrated already bloated shopping malls. People are lemmings. The rapid influx of people still does not distract natives from raiding their malls like the Dawn of the Dead.

Another trademark of the 21^st century is of course the internet. One would think that the Black Friday delirium would subside with the dawn of the internet. Of course, it has not. However, it does provide a viable option to eliminate the holiday headache for the few of us who are sane.

That’s where I come in. I actually like the holidays. I even like the malls during holidays. I just don’t like the people in them. So now, each year, I can only tolerate one mall trip, albeit a superficial, meaningless one - a cameo, just for appearances. Not really to shop, but to just take in a morsel of nostalgia, of the experience I once enjoyed. That’s about all I can stand.

This leaves me the miracle of online shopping. I pick one giant retailer, like Amazon, or Macy’s, and buy all my gifts there. Clothes, jewelry, electronics, books, CDs, DVDs, you name it, I buy it. If I can’t find it, I buy something close so I can consolidate on shipping. It sounds Scroogish, but it is wonderful.

Though I suppose I’ve learned that when you take short cuts, you only get cut short. I tried to get it all done on Black Friday this year, and I got lots of discounts for doing so. Yet, when my boxes came, something just didn’t feel right. I opened them up, and noticed my piece de resistance gift for my father came in the wrong color and size. The convenient in-store return policy didn’t matter, because I later found the local store didn’t carry this item. Nor did any store in the region. So to exchange it, I’d need to rejoin the living dead, except this time in the murderous holiday post office lines. Which comprise a level of Hell I don’t even want to speak of. 

I can’t even say this was the first time. Last year, I ordered a whole slew of different things, and I paid only enough attention to notice that several of the items would arrive at different times in different shipments. This, of course, would amp up the shipping a little, but nothing to cry over. However, I was overzealous in my cheating the holiday crowds and raced towards my finish line. It wasn’t until after I was billed and my order confirmed that I saw half the items wouldn’t ship until January.

Black Friday is dark, indeed. In shopping terms, it is the eve of destruction, the first light in a brutal season of anything but joy. The obvious answer seems to be avoiding the crowds and turning to the ease of online shopping, but even this can easily backfire and ruin your holiday shopping experience just the same. All you can do is pick a path and hope for the best. You’re bound to one day hold the line, one way or the other.