7. Motorola Q

The perfect smartphone for the guy who doesn't want to look like "that guy". No Star Trek earpiece. No thumb-stretching keyboard. Sleek and the size of an actual phone. And maybe you'll stand apart from every lemming with a Razr.

 6. Guard Dog

Whether a Pit Bull or a German Shepherd, every man needs a best friend. What a great gift that doesn't wear out after a few long days. He'll know when you've had a bad day. He can fetch you your beer and your paper. He's someone to wrestle to release aggression and has your back if you get into a scrap. In case you have no prospect of having kids, you can cuddle with it when you're lonely and you have no one else. That's what the holidays are all about.

 5. Xbox 360

 It's been one year since the 360 made its debut and it is finally worth getting. It has built up a solid library of games - there's Oblivion, Dead Rising, Tiger Woods, and Gears of War. Its price is reasonable, and 2007 holds great promise for more great games to come. The Playstation 3, on the other hand is too new and just doesn't have the games to make it worth the crazy price. Oh, and did I mention that Gears of War is out for the 360? Did I mention it is the most hardcore, badass, greatest motherfucking chainsawing, head-exploding, carnage-inducing game out for any system ever?

Yeah, you'll want this on your Christmas list.

4. Ipod + Nike Running Gear

Chances are, you already have an Ipod. Chances are, if you already have an Ipod, it's a Nano. If you don't, they're not that expensive to invest in as an mp3 player.

If you've got a Nano, all it takes is the $30 Nike/Ipod sensor to transform it into a pedometer and running statistic device. Nike has their own shoes, but here's a secret - as long as you keep the sensor steady (like in a sneaker wallet), you can just use your own shoes.

3. Flesh Light

Come on. It's not like we don't all get desperate every now and again. We all wack off all the damn time. There's no shame in it. Girls have their vibrators and readily rate them over men. They're proud. They have Tupperware parties over them for David Hasselhoff's sake. This year, I say it's ok to have realistic life-like rubber vaginas. Embrace your cock.

2. Mercedes CLS 500

Positioned slightly at a higher price point than the rest of the gifts, this car knows how to make an entrance. Redefining style and sexiness in a sedan, this luxurious titan is as comfortable as it is swift. When you're ready to play with the big boys, this is your ticket to ride. Power moves, here you come.

1. Books

Niggas need to read mo. Straight.