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 They say it's the most important meal of the day, but most Americans forsake breakfast each and every day of the week. It's a feel-good way to start the morning, giving you a base for your spastic caffeine buzz. It kick-starts your metabolism, something all of us in the world's fattest nation could use. Plus, the way we do it in the U.S. is unique to the rest of the world. We have 7 great ideas for what to stuff your hog face with before stepping up on your rat wheel.
1. Breakfast Burritos
Unfortunately for me, I did not grow up in the southwest so this idea debuted in my life via McDonald's. And I am not a man who is shamed by his love of McDonald's. However, since then, I have tried many a cheesy and spicy burrito filled with eggs, peppers, and pork by-products, and loved them all. They can be enjoyed with ketchup, sour cream, both or neither. I suppose many of you out there would also add hot sauce to that list. In any case, the combination of warm flavors is perfect for a quick breakfast on the go, before work or before a fun trip out yonder.
2. Cold Pizza
Rolling out of a piss-flooded bed and side-stepping your drunken vomit all seems worth it - once you open the fridge and find that half-eaten pizza that you don't remember ordering, just waiting to be devoured. Sure, it may feel like frozen cardboard in your mouth, but nothing is better or easier to construct or clean up than a pre-made slice of cold pizza. Note: This also works for mornings when the previous night wasn't laden with alcohol and prostitutes. 3. McGriddles
For years, I would trudge to the McDonald's and order a sub-par breakfast. McMuffin, Hashbrown, OJ and Coffee. That's fine and will get you through the day, but it wasn't quite satisfying enough. Then, several years ago, they introduced the taste sensation that is the McGriddle. Sausage, ham or bacon in classic harmony with eggs and cheese. We've all seen this before. But wait! It's sandwiched between two delicious pancake/muffin cross-breeds with maple syrup infused throughout and stamped with the magnificent trademarked golden arches that we all know and love. 4. Frozen Waffles
Okay, raise your hands, all of you who made waffles from scratch in the last month...
Thought so. The same number of you probably have waffle-irons sitting on your kitchen counter, too. They go from the freezer (which means they'll go bad around the time the apes get around to hosing down a half-naked Charlton Heston in a cage) straight to the toaster. Then, you wait anywhere from two to five minutes depending on your tastes, slap them on the plate, butter 'em up (again, to your taste) and pour on the syrup where all the flavors just chill in those little nooks. Throw in a side of pre-cooked microwavable bacon (which you can cook at the same time!) and you've got a plate of hot breakfast in less time than it takes to find clean matching socks on laundry day. 5. Bacon Bacon is what defines breakfast. I ain't calling it breakfast until it has a heart-clogging strip of bacon glistening in grease. It is the universal denominator that all breakfast foods have. It goes well with everything. Bacon became so popular, people carried it over lunch, and thus the BLT was born.  6. Count Chocula
Count Chocula cereal may not even count as a breakfast food. It's more like a slow suicide for children. Regardless, even adults can't help but look back and fondly remember puking up sickeningly sweet cereal at 7:30 AM.
Count Chocula is still marketed to this day as he reigns over Boo Berry and Frankenberry, who look like health food in comparison. If you haven't been getting your fill of modified corn starch and trisodium phosphate then this cereal is for you. 7. Bagels
Not just for Jews anymore. These things are delicious, easy to make, easy on the stomach, and easy on the wallet. They come in different flavors, can go in all kinds of sandwiches, and girls like 'em. You can't lose.
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