1. A tattoo of her name.

Gentlemen, welcome to the worst thing that you could possibly ever do. In your life. Ever. I don’t care if you’re in a bike gang, or from Alabama, or whatever socio-economic excuse you have for this tradition being labeled acceptable; it is breaking the seventh seal in a relationship.

This is worse than Capri pants or love scars. In a sense it’s more damaging than buying a vibrator. People won’t know what sex toys you buy her, but they will all see that you‘ve got her name on your arm. You’re branding yourself. You are volunteering yourself to be her property. Come on! You’re a man! Our gender has never even had to fight for our individual rights; we were never considered property!

You will never again wear the pants in the relationship. And worse yet, everyone will know it. Of course the truly worst part about doing this horrible, self-mutilating act, is that (you ought to know better,) this is the biggest jinx known to man. Tatooing her name on yourself is a sure guarantee that it won’t last. You’ll lose that girl who you swore was so special forever, and every time you meet a new lover, you’ll have to shamefully explain who “Sally” is.

Cyprian Mendelius is a dynamic writer from the east coast vying to get his voice heard around the world. He is our resident expert on women and gift-giving. Also he’s emotionally unstable and we’re not sure he’s even seen Top Gun. We’re pretty sure he loves his girlfriend Jennifer though.