If you’re like me, and you have a girlfriend you care for very much (and a mistress, and a ho), then you too have spent the last few weeks racking your brains out trying to figure out what to do for Valentine’s Day. Some of you are doing it out of kindness, and a genuine desire to express your affection and love. Some of you are doing it out of duty, because you know she’s about a fart-out-loud-and-a-half away from dumpin’ your sorry ass, and this is the ONLY way you’ll EVER get a chance to give her “the luge” (See: um, when, she, uh, doesn’t spit back).

Also, if you’re like me, you’re trying to think of something so ridiculously bouleverse that she will spontaneously combust. Or maybe you’re looking for a sinecure that will require no work, talent or original thought, just to get through the day without getting chewed out by the “missus.”

Well, I got neither. That is to say, of course I got ideas, but if you think I’m givin’ away any tricks of the trade, you spend too much time in front of your computer screen and not quite enough time in reality. What I do have to offer however, is 7 ideas to stay AWAY from, because they will send you straight to the doghouse faster than you can say “But honey, I told you that YOU could pick the other girl!” So here are 7 no-no’s to steer clear from.

7. Candy and a small stuffed animal

Okay, come on, this is like buying dad a tie and some Old Spice for Christmas. If you just want to be civil/polite/dull, just shell out the customary 13 – 50 bones on a dozen roses and baby’s breath (depending on whether you get them from FTD or off of some guy on the side of the road named “Chopper”). Seriously. It’s not the 50’s anymore. Girls don’t eat candy. Unless they’re fat. Or have hopelessly unsalvageable self-esteem issues. In which case you’re not doing yourself any favors by dating her.

Stupid. If you buy your girlfriend candy, she’s just going to be manic about how she doesn’t like them but secretly wants them but can’t have them because she’s trying to “Flockhart” her way from a size 14 to a size 0. She will further get upset in a truly Carrie-esque way when she tries to delegate the candy to family members or fat friends who in turn politely refuse, and she will then feel guilty about not eating them since you bought them for her. Then she will eat them. And then she will hate you.

Buddy. Get serious. They all know that the little 6-inch purple bear with the off-center eyes and mouth and heart shaped nose is something you won 3 years ago playing that stupid water gun game on the boardwalk with your younger brother during a family vacation to the Jersey shore. Also, if your immediate response is something not unlike “They don’t have those in Jersey,” then I’m wasting my time with you anyhow; you are lost beyond reach.

6. Sex help videos

What the hell is wrong with you? Have you been watching Oprah? Are you listening to Dr. Phil? Buddy, if you’re not giving her what she needs in the sack, then YOU watch the damn tape. Ask your older brother, somethin’.

Are you forty? Has the flame gone down, and you’re not sure how to get it back? Dude, if you’re 18-25, and thongs, I mean things, aren’t quite what they used to be, find another chick. Stop being such a sap. Life’s too short.

If you’re worried about the activity beneath the sheets, bringing home a “how-to” tape will only make her think you’re weird, or lame. Which is absolutely true, because you’re reading this right now salivating for some sliver of hope to get the “spark” back. It’s not the mature thing to do; it’s just kind of tacky. Besides if that stuff was worth watching, they’d have shown it to you in your middle school health class. I think.

5. Emulating injuries or personal traumas

Sometimes things happen to our loved ones that are painful, discouraging and even traumatic. Sometimes this trauma is plainly visible, such as a cast on an arm or a featureless burned face. Things of this nature may cause confidence concerns in your mate. They may develop low self-worth, and be embarrassed or ashamed.

But you are her hero. And after seeing some after-school special about a young boy’s little league team all shaving their heads while he’s in the hospital getting treated for Leukemia for moral support, you think you can boldly make the sacrifice of walking around looking like a pirate to relate to your one-eyed girlfriend.

No. Disastrous. Showing your dedication through a love “scar” will make you look about 10 times more sketchy than bringing home a self-help tape. Hopping around on one foot when your girlfriend has a broken ankle, or shattering your forearm with a ballpreen hammer when she’s suffering a stress fracture is not a healthy display of empathy. It is however an early warning sign for needing a restraining order.

4. Recreating that godawful serenade scene from Top Gun

Honestly. If this thought has ever crossed your mind even ONCE, then you should be exposed to lengthy sessions of Chinese water torture. This has become so clichéd and overdone, that it has become more painful and awkward to witness than the movie “Meet the Parents” with your girlfriend’s parents in the room.

This was cool in ’86 or whenever the movie came out. Now, it’s just the stale fraternity hazing dare that makes everyone remember why they despise the Greek system. Seriously, if you do this on karaoke night at your local tavern, during open mic night at a coffee house, or just in the middle of your school/work/hospital cafeteria, and you haven’t been put up to it with wagers of vast sums of money, or threats of brute force, there is something wrong with you. As in you need a CAT scan.

This is the kind of thing you do if you HATE your girlfriend, not if you love her. Also if you hate yourself. Or mankind. I don’t usually toss around phrases like “worse than Hitler” lightly, but that’s about how awful of a human being you are if you do this.

It’s not the kind of thing people are able to let go of easily. You want to blacklist yourself; sing this song in front of a crowd of people. It’s so bad I won’t even refer to it by title for fear of being cursed for eternity. I mean, not even Tom Cruise could get away with it without tabloids accusing him of being a homo every time he’s single.

3. A Vibrator

Are you a fucking man or aren’t you? I don’t care how much of a nympho she is, or how open your relationship has become, this is too much! That’s giving her permission to sleep with the enemy! It’s worse than espionage!

So you want to be the ultimate boyfriend and after reading some lame-brain article in a trendy men’s magazine (wait a minute…), you’ve decided that you will forgo your genetic pride and give her the gift that keeps on giving. You realize that although your humble member will never come close to supplying the unholy pleasure that this filthy machine is capable of on a anytime, anywhere basis, she will be so appreciative of your kindness and sacrifice that she will be more than willing to give you blowjobs on command for life. Yeah right, and I’m a superhero named Corsair.

If you are actually considering something like this, then what you are basically telling me is that you’re joining the Taliban. What? You’re changing your name legally to Benedict Arnold? This is more of a bitch move than wearing Capri pants. You’re essentially selling your soul.

Imagine that you are a Ford Focus and you are giving your girlfriend a BMW 7-series for her birthday. Or you are a basset hound buying your girlfriend a German shepherd for Christmas. That’s what you are doing, in effect. Buying her a more powerful (and far more convenient) version of yourself. Don’t do it.

2. Hiding in an oversized gift box at her front door.

You’re definitely a cornball if you decide to do this one. Also you have some kind of ego, thinking that this chick will actually find this remotely romantic/exciting/amusing. She sees your ass every other day of the year; you’re neither a pleasant surprise nor anything of value.

This only works the other way around, when the girl is inside the box. Also wearing nothing but a black g-string. Don’t make yourself look like any more of an ass than you do on normal occasions.

Consider that this also violates various trespass laws, and could quite possibly alarm neighbors, roommates, and even your sweetheart herself. One might deem a giant lone box waiting on a front porch to be inspected fairly suspicious, and call the proper authorities. It will surely be a romantic failure on many levels if you are discovered not by your woman, but rather, by bomb squad dogs.